UnNews:Trump selling even more merch to pay for campaign

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Friday, July 12, 2024

Some of the merch, which according to Trump himself, are "...the very best hats. No other hats can compare."

SOMEWHERE, Ohio -- Desperate for funds to pay for his campaign after the absurdly expensive bibles themed on him weren't selling enough, the 45th president of the United States, Donald Trump, was willing to sink to the levels of George Santos and Tyler Perry to pay for it. Luckily, there was one YouTuber who was shallow enough to collaborate with him: American Viner, YouTuber and decent boxer Jake Paul.

The collection, which includes Trump-themed apparel, accessories, and novelty items, aims to capture the attention of both Trump’s political base using Jake Paul’s unethical business practices. The merchandise features a mix of Trump’s slogans[1] and Jake Paul’s signature catchphrases,[2] presented in bold, eye-catching designs which are conveniently the exact same designs used in the 2016 Presidential election.

Jake Paul himself.

The Trumpmeister and Jake Paul allegedly connected with each other as soon as they met, with Paul stating in an interview, "so like, I'm so rich; and he's so rich; so that's we collabed. To 'dem haters, dab on 'dem." As a result, a few days ago, Paul released a remix of his 2018 single "All I Want For Christmas" called "Buy That...Merch". The single can be bought at Fanjoy.co, a company which sells merchandise of influencers for slightly marked-up prices while using child volunteerism to produce it. Trump himself approves of this, stating "the lazy, liberal children of America should yearn for the mines. Wait, did you record that?"

In the music video for the single, Paul is seen performing in a mansion, surrounded by extravagant displays of the merchandise. The video includes cameos from notable influencers and a range of gold-encrusted merchandise that emphasize the elitism and exclusivity of Paul's merch collection. With over 5 million views in the first 24 hours, Paul anticipates that reaction and commentary YouTubers will criticize it, making it even more popular.

Despite most people expecting it to be slated for failure, the collaboration has worked. As of today, Trump can finally pay his debts, meaning that most news companies will focus on Biden's embarrassing actions, that new Eminem album, flooding caused by the decaying remnants of that one hurricane, and Jake Paul fighting Mike Tyson. Luckily, the folks at The Onion leaked to us that Jake knows how to use a gun while wearing boxing gloves.

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Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ These include: "you're fired", "I call it the Fake News Media. They don’t report the facts. They’re not even close.", and "I don't think Ivanka would do that inside the magazine. Although she does have a very nice figure. I've said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I would be dating her."
  2. ↑ These include: "I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make money.", "Dab on 'dem haters", and "I’m a role model. I’m a good person. I’ve never done anything bad."."

Sources[edit | edit source]

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