UnNews:Biden "accidentally" outs himself as Trump endorser

Wednesday, October 9, 2024

A SPECIAL INSTAGRAM LIVE MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

["Hail to the Chief" plays]

Okay, what part of this stupid touchscreen tablet do I press.. oh, we're live? Guess I'll stop peering so close to the camera on this thingy-oh-bob.

Hi there, remember me? It's your old president Joe here, reminding all you folks I'm still alive! And I'm still president.. apparently, even though I'm just "bing chilling" at my beach home in Delaware with some soft serve ice cream! I.. I thought John Cena came up with that. Anyways, I'm checking in via Instagram Live, peepin' in on the election.. I mean erection, gosh darn it I said the wrong word again..

"Mr. President, that was the right word! You wanted to avoid the second word you just said!"

You know, election day is only 1 month away and I'm chiming in to remind every American resident... excuse me, let me get my reading glasses to look at this teleprompter. Ah, better.

You know, erection- gosh-diddly damn it- election day is only 1 year away-

"1 month, Mr. President!"

You know what, screw these reading glasses. I think I was doing better off without them.

Anyways, in 1 month you'll all be putting your votes in for the next President of the United States, and even you readers from the United Kingdom, Ukraine, Canada, Mexico, Russia, Venezuela, and even China (wait, just forgot TikTok and Uncyclopedia were banned there.. free VPNs for you folks in China!) ..yes even folks in China can cast votes too!

"Mr. President, I think you meant citizens of the United States only! All citizens of the United States, even if they're overseas in those countries you mentioned, can vote through absentee ballots!"

Oh, right! That's what I meant!

Wait a minute, that wording looked kinda sus, am I saying it right, kiddies?

But seriously, why would you trick an old geezer like me into saying something like that? So we're actually letting non-citizens vote in this election?

"Mr. President, stay on topic. Just follow the script!"

Anyways, I'm here to once again tell you Americans to vote for my vice president Donald Trump because he's the best businessman in the world who does skibidi doo toilet bong bong meeem meem skibidi.. sorry, I meant my vice president Barack Obama, no that's not right..

Oh no, my vice president's the Wicked Witch of the West! Ahhhhh!

"Mr. President, your vice president is and has been Kamala Harris! You're supposed to be reminding voters to vote for her!"

God damn it, Karine, stop yelling so loud!

Wait, I thought I was vice president. Then who's been president all along? Obama? Trump? Or was it Jeb Bush..

"No Mr. President, you are no longer Obama's vice president, you're currently the president and Kamala's your vice president!"

Karine, again you're being so uppity today! Hey, don't roll your eyes at me!

Karine, I'm sorry. Ol' foot came out of my mouth, ya know?

Anyways, let's follow this teleprompter script. [clears throat] Kamalamala, you should vote for her because of her continuation of Bidenomics^TM as the Opportunity Economy^TM that will provide opportunities to all people in America, regardless of if they're American.. wait, no that's not right-

"Mr. President, it's supposed to say for 'All Americans!'"

Sure, what you say. [Side-eyes camera and mimics a motormouth with his hand]

Can't I just enjoy my hard-earned retirement already!? Do I really have to keep reading this stupid teleprompter?

"Mr. President, we want Americans to think you're still doing something in office! Just finish the prompt, sir. [sigh], whoever thought doing a live-stream instead of another canned ad should be fired!"

Karine, it was my idea and I got this, if Donald and his running mate can do live interviews, we gotta show American we still can too!

"Mr. President, that's only for Kamala and Tim Walz, you don't have to push yourself so hard-"

Okay, which is it? I'm either too lazy, or I'm pushing myself too har- woahaAHAHAHoH-

Thanks, you guys, for catching me.

And Kamala will also make the world safer again by allowing people of all kinds to come into our country, letting them all live the American Dream!

Wait.. she's giving opportunities to super predators and giving them free sex changes? FUCK THAT!

"Mr. President, watch your language-"

You know what?? No! I don't like how you Democrats treated me and tossed me out! I can still do my job properly! I'm only a spring chicken! But I also hate my job..

Screw it, Kamalama ding dong's a disaster, I don't know why I kept listening to her while I was in office. I'm tired of censorship and $6 for a carton of eggs, forcing fags in everyone's faces and letting men pretend to be women, and I'm tired of the inflation I caused! I'm tired of pretending to be liberal, and I also remembered Kamala was the most uppity opponent I faced in the primaries back then! I'm also tired of those super predators roaming the streets! We ought to do something about it like sending them back to the shithole countries they came from! Donald Trump made my job look so easy so I'm in favor of giving it back to him. I'm voting for the felon!^TM Make America Great Again!^TM

Also, wanna check out a picture of myself from a couple weeks ago? Check this out:

I thought it was the funniest thing ever!

"Wait, what is he doing- MR. PRESIDENT ARE YOU SERIOUS!??"

Now where was I before I was interrupted.. oh right, ice cream time!

[loud slurping noises] mmmmrhrhar- [Three Stooges noises] WOOBWOOBWOOBWOOOBWOOOayayayayayyyaya brain freeze, so cold but so good mmafagahsghagandk [loud slurping noises]

THIS HAS BEEN A SPECIAL INSTAGRAM LIVE MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT GIVING HIM SOCIAL MEDIA PRIVILEGES AGAIN UNTIL HE'S OUT OF OFFICE, WHAT A DISASTER OF A LIVE STREAM..

Sources

• "Harris weighs more breaks with Biden as he keeps injecting himself into the campaign" CNN, October 6, 2024
• "Does Biden Want Harris to Lose? CNN Contributor Drops Big Take as Joe Keeps Kamala Within Reach" "Fake News" site at The Western Journal, October 4, 2024