UnNews:Nick News: Donald Trump convicted
Saturday, June 1, 2024
And now a Nick News Break. You may have heard that a jury in New York found Donald Trump guilty on all 34 charges he was accused of. He is the first President of the United States to ever be convicted of a crime. I imagine some of your racist dads got upset and yelled bad words at Fox News. And I bet you have a lot of questions!
| “ | Who the h[BLEEP] is Donald Trump? Isn't he that scary orange dude my dad prays to every night? | ” |
Hey, kid, watch your language! Let's rewind a bit.
[VHS REWIND EFFECT]
Donald Trump is a former real estate mogul, the son of Fred and Mary Trump. Donald took over the Trump Organization from his father in 1971. He filed for bankruptcy several times between 1991 and 2009. He's been on the national stage since at least the 1980s. He made his first cameo in 1985. In 1987 he published The Art of the Deal. He even had a board game once for some reason. But he may be most famous pre-presidency as the host of NBC's The Apprentice, where his catchphrase was "You're fired!" He also owned the rights to the Miss USA pageant.
Trump announced his candidacy for President in 2015, using awful and divisive rhetoric. He pledged to build a wall across the U.S.-Mexico border and have Mexico pay for it. He made misogynistic comments about women -- including his Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton, as well as comedian and former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell for some reason. Against all odds, Trump somehow won the 2016 election, controversially. I voted for Hillary. Trump left many countless scandals in his wake. Eventually FBI Director James Comey investigated him until Trump fired him. Comey is also a big reason we ended up in this Trump mess to begin with, but that's another story. After Comey was fired, Robert Mueller was appointed as a special counsel to investigate Trump. While Trump was not exonerated, which means he'd be off the hook, the investigation didn't lead to any criminal charges?
| “ | You you said-- | ” |
I'm not finished yet! During the Mueller investigation, many of Trump's men went down. A number were even arrested. As for Trump himself, he was indicted in June 2023 for holding onto classified documents, thus violating the Espionage Act. Among his 31 charges is for lying, something Trump is infamous for doing regularly. In August, he was further charged for his role in the January 6th insurrection in 2021. Are you still with me?
In August Trump was further indicted for attempting to overturn the 2020 presidential election in Georgia. Here's his mugshot when he was arrested in Georgia.
Aaaaaanywaaaaay, his recent conviction was for his role in... Is this really appropriate for kids?
| “ | Why is Donald Trump guilty? What did he do? | ” |
Around 2006 or 2007, Trump had some kind of affair with... an actress. She makes movies you're not allowed to watch for... reasons. Anyway, this actress, Stor... You know what, let's just call her Stephanie Clifford. Ms. Clifford was paid to stay quiet about the affair in 2016 as the election heated u... Can I please rephrase that?
| “ | Just tell us that he f[BLEEP] a p[BLEEP]ar! | ” |
I quit!
Nick News: Making sense together.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Trump trial updates: Trump is found guilty in historic New York criminal case" NPR, May 30, 2024
