UnNews:Biden Debates Trump (full transcript, June 27, 2024)
MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA -- June 27, 2024
UnNews: Hello from UNN, the UnNews Network! We're here at Donald Trump's house to host the first televised Presidential debate and a precursor to the biggest rematch since the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics! Yeah, I wish..
Fair note for our viewers, we had to choose this location due to Trump being under house arrest for being a douche in New York State. Now please welcome our two candidates, former president (and first convict prez) Donald Trump nice orange suit, by the way! and current president (and oldest president ever) Joe Biden!
Donald Trump:
[brandishing fist] Git off my lawn, ya chumps! I can't go and play golf and bingo now!
Joe Biden:
How do you do, fellow young ones? Can I get a waffle cone of vanilla manilla rocky road swirly ice cream? Double scoop, plz..
UnNews: Now let's give our elderly candidates the chance for an opening statement. Starting with the current president.
Biden:
My fellow Americans, let me tell ya somethin' about ice cream. You know, when I was a young'un like all you citizens I always would have a healthy heaping of ice cream before going out and playah hatin' on republicanz and those player-haters out there, always trying to bring us down. They're like the vanilla of politics—plain and boring. But we're not gonna let 'em melt our dreams, no sir!
Now, young people, let me tell ya—I love 'em. They're the sprinkles on top of our democracy sundae. We gotta nurture 'em, protect 'em, penetrate 'em, lick 'em, and give 'em opportunities to lay down and mooch off our government, sleep all day, use tiker toker, like a double scoop on a hot summer day.
My fellow Americans, let me tell ya somethin' about ice cream. You know, I've been around a lot of ice cream in my time, and let me tell ya, chocolate chip is the way to go. It's like finding common ground with Republicans, you know? You gotta scoop 'em up and mix 'em in, just like those chocolate chips. Oh and Republicans are like ice cream that taste like ice cream but isn't ice cream and if you're a Republican then stop being a republican and join the commies even though I hate commies and my staffers and puppeteers like Kamala and oops I shouldn't have said that oh well.
But you know what really gets me? Those player-haters out there, always trying to bring us down. They're like the vanilla of politics—plain and boring. But we're not gonna let 'em melt our dreams, no sir!
And then there's Donald Trump. Let me be clear, folks. He's like that melted ice cream you forgot in the back of the freezer—cold and messy and we're gonna lick it all up to clean it up. We're gonna clean up [yawns] that mess and serve up some fresh scoops of unity! And then we're gonna go [incoherent]
Trump:
WHAAT?? I can't hear yah! Sounds like ya talkin' all the way from CHYEAAIINA! And guess what? Sleepy Joe over here's gonna sell all our privacy 'n jobs tah CHYEAAINA!
Let me tell you folks, CHYEAAINA is eating our lunch, our dinner, and our breakfast. They're laughing at us, they're manipulating our markets, and Sleepy Joe Biden is letting them get away with it! Can you believe it? He's like a puppet, folks, with CHYEAAINA pulling the strings. I made a deal with CHYEEAINA and Fatboy Kim to make 'em stop nukin' us! Sleepy Joe keeps gettin' swindled by CHYEAAINA!
And these Democrats, they're bankruptin' our country faster than you can say "tax hike." They want to spend, spend, spend—on what, I ask? Socialist programs, Green New Deals, Weed New Deals, and who knows what else! They want to turn us into Venezuela while CHYEAAINA laughs all the way to the bank. And I like Venezuela! Only a little. As long as they stay poorer than us!
And don't get me started on the haters, the losers, the deep state, the fake state, the fake news, they want to put me in jail! They even TRIED putting me in jail and got me convicted but I'm too rich and too grumpy to go to jail! So they just stuck me here in my own house. Can you believe it? For what, exactly? Making America great again? Fighting for the forgotten men and women? Well, mostly the men. And the smokin' hot women.. Sleepin' with slutty Stormy Daniels? The Democrat dorks are like a pack of wolves, trying tah tear down everything we've built! We need a STRONG leader who's just like Putin to take charge! You young Americans are too soft these days! Neener neener neener
UnNews: Now, Mr. Trump, don't get too feisty, you don't want to elevate your heart rate too much! And.. is the President falling asleep already? Mr. President? PRESIDENT BIDEN!!
Biden:
[snoring] -huh? Oh, I forgot it wasn't nap time!
UnNews: Now our first question, and one that might be a sore spot, the events of January 6-
Trump:
DIDN'T HAPPEN DIDN'T HAPPEN DIDN'T HAPPEN DIDN'T HAPPEN wait, what was the question?
Biden:
Huh, what's a January, and what's a sixth? I can eat a fifth of vodka and down it with a cone of ice cream and then fart out a lotta [incoherent]
UnNews: Okay, let's forget I asked that question. Next one: what will you do about the wars in Ukraine and Israel/Palestine?
Trump:
NUKE EM ALL! Err, I mean, ahh, who cares about 'em! 'Murica!
Biden:
Oh, my son used to go to Ukraine all the time! Got some sweet deals from there and treated my son well and thats why we gotta spend our whole budget on there and do stuff with 'em and
[snoring]
UnNews: ..Okay. Let's give a softball question! What is your plan for your second term in office? Whoever is still awake or sane, go! And please, give America some hope, you geezers..
Trump:
Same as always, we're gonna MAKE 'MURICA GREAT AGAIN! We're gonna milk the trickle down cow for money and scam people for money and scam Russia and Chyeeaaina for money and power and tell 'em Mexicans to go back to Mexico and build another wall and outlaw abortion and gay sex and black people everywhere and-
UnNews: President Trump.
Trump:
Come on you fake news phony! You wanted my plan and you're interrupting my plan because you commies don't like my plan-
UnNews: No, I think you might have pooped your pants.
Trump:
Oh, looks like I might have taken too much fiber today. 'Excuse me. [off-screen] And also tell that stupid "geriatric doctor" he's FIRED! Worst doctor I've had since Fauci!
UnNews: Okay, we'll give Trump a moment as he changes out of his pooped suit. Now let's give President Biden some time to outline his plan. Mr. President?
Biden:
[snoring]
UnNews: MR PRESIDENT??
Biden:
[snoring] huh, oh yeah! Ice cream for everyone! And I guess let Kamala and my cabinet make my plan. Can I get a waffle cone of vanilla manilla rocky road swirly ice cream? Double scoop, plz..
UnNews: [sigh], why did we think this debate was a good idea at all? And why are these old farts who are old enough to be everyone's grandpa our ONLY candidates left? Excuse me [runs off screen]
[off-screen] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Caitlin Yilek "Biden struggles early in presidential debate with hoarse voice" CBS News, June 27, 2024
