Prince George's County, Maryland

“Prince George's County has a lot of black people!”

~ Captain Obvious

Prince George's County (also known as PG County and Maryland's Left Armpit) is a county in the US state of Maryland. It is one of the wealthiest minority majority counties in the nation, and has the most tall short people and the fewest fat skinny people. Many residents claim to be loyal citizens of Zamunda. It is also known for its perpetual state of near-anarchy.

Demographics

Prince George's County has a population of 998,335, making it the largest county in Maryland to have a population divisible by 5. It has a total area of 485.43 square miles, and is in the process of ceding 0.43 square miles to Garrett County, so that its area will also be divisible by 5. The most recent Census studies showed:

• 66% African American -- Of that figure, only 9% could actually find Africa on a map. The other 91% pointed to Southeast DC. The 9% of blacks who were actually able to find a map were deemed by the rest of the blacks as not "black enough," and were banished to Montgomery County and Northern Virginia, apparently in the interest of "keepin' it real." They are also the majority of the minority.
• 27.9% White -- Of that figure, 50% could not jump, 36% wished they were black, and 14% were rejected by northern Virginia because of their association with PG County. Of this demographic group, the majority of minors are majoring in minority studies.
• 11% Hispanic -- Of that figure, 100% were stone-drunk last weekend.

History

Paleface establishing nation on sacred tribal land (Settlement – Tobacco)

Prince George's County was named for Prince George of Denmark, a minor prince who reached his majority while on an expedition to seek the source of the Patuxent River. The county once occupied almost half of Maryland, spanning from its current location westward into the area now known as Garrett County. It was at this time that it gained the reputation of being an armpit of the colonies. King George of England declared the county a disaster area and ordered it to have a cultural revolution. The county residents were able to rebel against that order by growing tobacco. This led to the county seat being named after the major half of the Marlboro Man, or Upper Marlboro. To this day, the county anthem is "dum dum de dum, dum dum de dum, lalala, come to where the flavor is, come to Marlboro Country."

Paleface fighting Paleface over tobacco (Revolutionary War – War of 1812)

King George despised tobacco, and he required all ships going in and out of Britain to be non-smoking. In 1748, to punish the county for growing tobacco, he detached a huge portion of Prince George's County to form what is now Allegany, Frederick, Garrett, Montgomery, and Washington counties. With far less land, the county suffered for decades. Boston's Tea Party in December 1773 inspired the residents to perform their own revolt. On April 20, 1774, they held a coke party and rioted. They focused on burglarizing and breaking windows of Asian-pwned shops. They stole muskets, salted hams, and Malt Liquor. Ironically, this led to a revolution, but not one that King George had hoped for.

Philadelphia took notice of the Maryland county's riots and ordered its sports fans to burn down the entire city for the first of many times. Satisfied that all minority shops had been majorly devastated, the Continental Congress convened in Philadelphia and adopted the Declaration of Independence against Britain in 1776.

After the Americans won the Revolutionary War, Prince George's County tried to assassinate King George. Unfortunately, they got him mixed up with Prince George. To this day, Prince George's restless soul wanders in the sewers that flow into the Patuxent River.

In 1812, King George responded by ordering a S.W.A.T. team of soldiers to sneak up the Patuxent River into Prince George's County and burn most of its tobacco fields. They were successful, but unfortunately the White House was inadvertently burned down because it was also surrounded by tobacco fields. The soldiers profusely apologized to President James Madison. But he was turned off by their British custom of over-apologizing, and this ignited the War of 1812.

Paleface fighting Paleface over Darkface (Civil War)

Prince George's County was the largest county in Maryland to have a slave population divisible by 5. These enslaved people were forced to minor in minority studies. During the Civil War, hundreds of enslaved black men in the county were promised diplomas and student debt relief in exchange for joining the Union Army against Confederate Forces. In 1864, thanks to the hard work of Frederick Douglass and other abolitionists, the citizens of Maryland narrowly voted to end slavery and upgrade minority studies to a college major.

20th Century

In the mid 1970s, the demographics of the county started to change from majority white to majority black. It then changed from minority black to minority white. Almost every day, the demographics changed, and finally this caused many residents of Prince George's County to move away from this constant annoyance. The Hispanic population was left to clean up the confusion.

As black people moved eastward into the county from Washington, D.C., white people fled in droves. In fact, for several years, it was almost impossible to rent or buy a drove in the county, especially one that hadn't been driven. Car jams tens of miles long filled the arteries leaving the county, which pulsed with people, throbbing to leave, but heartened at the sight of newly-built shopping malls in the neighboring swampland of Charles and Calvert Counties.

Meanwhile, Washington D.C. experienced a steady decline in crime as Prince George's County received a bunch of its drugs and gangs. To celebrate this decline, D.C. held a cocaine party in honor of the 1774 coke party, sponsored by former mayor Marion Barry.

In the late 1990s, the county's western border with Montgomery County was adjusted. The city of Takoma Park had straddled the two counties. Tiring of the confusion of being both a minority in a majority minority and a minority in a minority majority, a majority of Takoma Park's city council voted to become a minority in the bagel-eating, white, uppity, walk-like-you-got-a-corncob-up-your-ass Montgomery County. The Court for the 7th Judicial Circuit in Maryland, finding that a minority majority could not make any major decisions, preemptively ordered an eviction of the city from property within Prince George's County, leading to a major problem with minor impact on the majority minority pejorative sorority that rules Takoma Park with an iron fist. (The members of this gang go by the name FCNL and have large blue signs with the word "Peace" on them in their yards.) The Prince George's County Sheriff, his posse, and an eviction crew of 300 drunk undocumented Hispanics from neighboring Langley Park threw all of their crap across the newly-established border.

21st Century

In August 2005, the television reality show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition decided to fix up a shack in (of all places) Capitol Heights, PG County. Everyone was shocked to find that the resident of the shack was in fact the ghost of Prince George of Denmark himself. Having finally reached his majority, he celebrated the occasion with champagne. Sleeping off his drunken stupor until the next day, he was accidentally incorporated into the wallpaper. For this reason, Prince George's County was a shoo-in for the 2009 Nobel Prize for Most Extreme Makeover. After the hugely successful makeover, the county residents rewarded the crew by beating a crew member's wife senseless with a handgun and then proceeding to rob her. In response, a spokesperson from the show vowed never to return and decided to renovate homes in more "civil" developments. Southcentral LA, Tikrit, and the Gaza Strip were mentioned as alternatives.

External links

• TheCongressionalBlackCaucus.com