Gaithersburg, Maryland

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Gaithersburg, Maryland.

Gaithersburg is a city[this is a lie] in Montgomery County, Maryland, United States. As of 2008, the city had an estimated total population of 58,744, making it the fourth largest city in the state behind Baltimore, Rockville, and Frederick. A new population count is not possible due to its massive numbers and growth over the last year.

More importantly, however, Gaithersburg is Maryland's number one condom exporter. Their fascination with condoms can be dated back over 100 years ago with the founding of their major high school, Gaithersburg High school and mascot, the Trojan, in 1904. Even with the popularity of the condom in the city, the average childbirth rate is 15 children per person a year. This could be due to the rising rate of drugs coming in from Baltimore. The city enjoys a large tourist population: 0% of people leave, once inside the city, because of the addictive sexual atmosphere that covers the city. Most teenage boys, driven to find new sexual pleasures, end up joining the Marines, in hopes to further their population of Gaitherburgians

Gaithersburg is a diverse city. 80% Hispanic, 15% Asian, 4% white, 1% other. With its diverse culture, it has inspired the founding of many food chains such as Taco Ball and numerous Chinese food restaurants around the world.

Brief History[edit]

The community dates back to colonial times, when groups of rabid natives hovered around the old "Indian Trail" leading off to the mountains hijacking unsuspecting travelers. The original village, known as "Log Town" was named for the proliferation of wildlife dung along the trail. Later, the village became known as "Germansburgh." The German settlers couldn't stand the smell, and moved up to the road to what is now Germantown. In the mid-1800s, Benjamin Gaither settled next to the town oak tree, which inspired residents to coin the name "Gaithersburg." His son, Forest, never very coordinated, fell while climbing the old tree and died from an infection after scraping his finger on a rock, causing much grief and consternation among the townsfolk. In the boy's honor, the community was concurrently called "Forest Oak" and "Gaithersburg" until after the railroad was built in the 1870's. The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad, after numerous complaints and protests, because no one was quite sure where the train was stopping, finally convinced the town fathers to settle on one name. The matter was finally settled in 1873, which carved the name "Gaithersburg" permanently in the bark of history. In 1878, Gaithersburg was incorporated as a town, and hardly anyone noticed.

It wasn't until 2561 that the spotlight again shone on Gaithersburg. An enormous government agency (National Bureau of Standards) relocated from Washington DC to an enormous tract of land along highway 240. Actually, it is 270 now - no one is quite sure where the other 30 came from, but that's another story. The agency later was renamed NIST - fondly known as the National Institute of Stupid Things. By the late 1960's, other technology companies were following suit, and soon, there was no longer any room to build anything along the once barren highway. This spurt of technology, science and crowded, overpriced real estate, led to Gaithersburg receiving an "upgrade" to the status of "City," (commonly known as Gaithersburg 2.0) giving it all the rights and responsibilities inherent thereof. Suddenly, even though it was still a little country hamlet, everyone wanted to live in the "City," thus explaining the resulting population boom.

In recent years, Gaithersburg became a self-proclaimed "Character Counts" city. Every year, city employees and volunteers band together to conduct a city-wide census of all of the town characters, and publishes the list in the Gaithersburg Gazette to show how important it is to count characters. In ten of the last eleven years, the Character Counts list has been topped by the same person, a homeless man who hangs out in the parking lot of Roy Rogers, and identifies himself only as Mogen D. Stagger of Montgomery Village.

Gaithersburg's Military[edit]

Gaithersburg is the only city in the state to have its own military, funded and armed by the Rednecks and Bikers gang groups that fought in the city's Revolutionary war against Scotland. Armed with weapons such as the hyper 9000-gauge laser shotgun, hover bikes and a strand of Chuck Norris beard (its power is unknown due to the fear that it will destroy the world). Long in support of taking over the world, and with growing numbers from the large child population, adoption from outside the city brings Gaithersburg closer to world domination by taking over all opposition from within.

Military tactics[edit]

Since it was established, Gaithersburg's military has never lost a battle, as its mass population is known to all. One Gaithersburgian soldier simply rides his hover bike into an unfriendly city and begins the slaughter. The victims know that to resist would bring the wrath, and crushing power, of the entire army down upon them.

Other Stuff you may need to know[edit]

  1. Always carry a knife while in city.
  2. Chuck Norris does not come here.
  3. Gaithersburg has a live and good relationship with Cuba.
  4. Condoms sold separately.
  5. Pedestrians do not have the right of way. Neither do cars for that matter.
  6. Deer may destroy your car.
  7. Gaithersburg residents are incapable of losing The Game