Call of Duty: United Offensive

Call of Duty: United Offensive is one of several other cancerous games in the Call of Duty video game franchise. The only people who play it are mentally unstable homo- and bisexuals with anger issues. All you do is shoot people on the same three maps and use voice chat to call people racial slurs until you've been doxxed, at which point you'll beg that person to not leak your IP address and shit like that. A study ran by the American Video Game Psychological Association reported information collected by 200 gamers with no lives that this game is boring as fuck.

This is your character throughout every Call of Duty except Modern Warfare 2.

Basic Storyline

Call of Duty: United Offensive follows the same format used in the original CoD. Beginning with the Americans, you kick ass until you get bored of being a "bloody Yank," where you then fall out a British plane and lead a joint force of British and Polish (more commonly called the French Foreign Legion.) After an utter bullshit boat chase (your single boat with unlimited ammo takes out 20 other boats), you are thrown into a trench and told you are now russian. For 20 minutes you are punished in the trench, and when you are allowed to get a gun, you are kicked out of the trench on probation. The only condition of your probation is that you don't use your gun at all, but you may use these nice explosives to destroy the giant tanks shooting at you. You destroy the tanks, but violate the terms of probation by shooting that damn Nazi who was trying to escape from the burning tank. You are not sent back to the trench, but are instead sent to a town where you begin your adventure of killing Nazis while constantly running low on ammo. Your adventure ends at a town called Kharkov (Russian for Go F---ing Die in my Hole), where you sit in a train station getting shot at by Nazis, tanks, machine guns, your own teammates who are pissed at you for sitting in the back hiding like a pussy because you're tired of dying on Recruit, and the occasional grenade. The objective of the game is to running around like a crazy noob without ammo and diving down the cliff.

Characters from Previous Game

While you may not have, this article assumes you have played the original CoD (why are reading ahead if you haven't? Spoiler!) Anyway, there are several characters who wanted/needed/didn't want/didn't need a cameo appearance in United Offensive. Here's a list of characters from the previous game.

Americans

Sgt. Moody: Yes he is still moody. Strangely enough, for having a voice like only a hardcore smoker/drug addict can have, he does a very minimal amount of swearing. He yells enough to make up for it, although many people believe his inability to swear consistently makes him not only a horrible soldier, but also a pussy.

Cpt. Foley: Also suffering from an inability to swear, he is your commanding officer for your time as an American. He's the ass who sits behind cover and tells you to shoot the snipers, blow up the tanks, etc., while he lays on the ground playing hangman in the mud with Pvt. Elder and shooting blanks at the enemy.

British

Maj. Ingram: In the previous game, there was a mission where you singlehandedly assaulted a prison camp in order to rescue a man who was too retarded to not get captured and stuck in maximum security. After fighting through the entire base, including the tank yard consisting of 4 angry self-powering tanks, and the minefield surrounding the prison, you open the door to find Maj. Ingram engaged in necrophilia with a dead prison guard. After banging your head on the wall for 30 seconds for the pointless effort you just expended, you run like a black man outta hell to escape. Maj. Ingram then thanks you and is never seen again. In this game, he finds you in the woods, after you jump from a perfectly intact airplane, trying to hang yourself from a tree with your parachute, giggling like a madman. He is in reality the head of the French Foreign Legion, who tells you to join and makes you singlehandedly destroy a 30-car freight train.

Others

Russians: All the Russians names are so long and unpronouncable that its virtually impossible to figure out any resemblance between characters of the last game. Besides, your usually the one that leads the assault because everyone is too drunk to even shoot, and if you look back you are shot as a traitor to the motherland.

You: Given that you're voice is never heard in ANY Call of Duty game (until Modern Warfare 2 where you say 2 sentences before getting shot in the side of the head), it may be that all of the characters you are may be just the same person with about 23 fake ID's. Nevertheless, the character(s) you is/are/may be/will be, whoever the hell you are, are total badasses that seem to never get hurt and can instantaneously heal if you even see a first aid kit.

Weapons in CoD:UO

While many of the guns in CoD:UO are the same as guns in the original, there are a few added weapons.

Bolt-Action POS

Mosin-Nagant: Absolute piece of shit. With iron sights the size of a period (this is a period -> .), it is ridiculously hard to aim with. Use this is you own. Not recommended for n00bs.

Kar98k: Iron sights are a little better....if you're blind. See Mosin-Nagant.

Lee-Enfield: Potent. About it's only redeeming quality. Maybe if you're lucky your enemies will be distracted by the very odd color of the gun. Who the hell paints their gun yellow?

"'bare hands"': Nothing better than good old hands...... slap

Sniper Rifles

It is utterly impossible (honestly) to steady your breath, so if your used to playing a good game, you will fail utterly for a while if trying to use snipers.

Springfield: While looking semi-normal, the scope sucks. Also, while looking down the scope, be sure to correct for the scope fail. Although you think you're aiming at the person, you're really aiming 10 feet behind him. Be sure to keep this in mind when using any sniper rifle.

Scoped Kar98k: Don't use this gun. First of all, the scope is on the side of the gun. How the hell are you supposed to see anything when you're trying to figure out how to look down your sight. There have been instances when your character will throw be unable to use the gun and throw it down in frustration. Second of all, this gun is only used by n00bs and/or pros looking for a challenge. You wouldn't like to be taken for one of those would you?

Scoped Mosin-Nagant: With the scope positioned 5 feet above the actual gun, this gun is best used upside down using the scope like a submarine would use a periscope. Ridiculously loud, the gun should only be used if you're already deaf, would like to become deaf, or are a no-sound n00b.

Semi-Auto Rifles

While these guns provide more ease of use than bolt actions and snipers do, semi-automatic rifles all sound like semi-automatic flak 88s. In addition, hip-firing is NOT recommended, as these things spray bullets like a broken sprinkler.

Gewehr 43: Ignoring sound, this is possibly the best semi-auto in the game. Yes this means that if you want to win, you will switch to the Germans JUST to use this gun. I mean, who would use the BAR or ppsh bullet sprinkler when you can use the single-shot, 10-round-clip Gewehr 43 right?

Tokarov SVT-40: The best Russian gun in the game (the Ppsh is not a gun, more on that later). Good damage overall, although you lose health after every shot due to the concussive sound waves created by the gun. Imagine a Flak88 going off in your ear.

M1 Garand: Although powerful, this lovely American gun has several draw backs:

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You cannot reload while holding the gun.

You cannot aim while holding the gun.

You cannot move while holding the gun.

You cannot chat while holding the gun.

You cannot exit the game while holding the gun.

You cannot turn off the computer while holding the gun.

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Nevertheless, you can rest assured that you will soon be mercy-killed (hopefully) and you may switch guns to the M1A1.

M1A1 Carbine: While it doesn't have as many cool features as the M1 Garand (wtf is with Americans and M1?), this gun shoots faster and is commonly used by the wanna-be pros who played Cod:WaW and think they can pwn with it here.

Automatic Weapons

This category includes big-ass shit weapons that n00bs use while talking shit to people with sniper rifles, little pussy weapons that people who THINK they're pros use, and CoD:UO's masterpiece: deployable machine guns. You do not mess with these guns. They are so F---ing big that you have to lay down to shoot them, letting any annoying faggot walk up and T-bag you before shooting you in the back of the head.

Mp40: Not hard to use, fairly inaccurate, and weaker than Dane Cook's jokes, people who use it are almost as common as MP44 n00bs, since it requires no skill. It's been speculated that it's possible to improve your accuracy by setting your mouse sensitivity to max and shaking like you're on meth. Besides having aimbot, the only way to kill an enemy is to hit it with every single bullet in a clip, 3 times. As we earlier stated, if you're using the MP40, you're a faggot-ass hacker, or.....a faggot-ass hacker.

Mp44: Sprays like a bullet sprinkler, and the chance of hitting your target by hip-firing is about the chance of the world ending.......now. See. It won't happen. On the off chance you actually hit anything by AIMING, it's a fairly potent gun. Only about 3 players have ever actually hit anything with it, so it's probably not a good idea to play with this gun if you want any chance of success.

Thompson: Spray! Power! n00b! Small clip! n00b!

BAR: Freaking easy to use. The iron sights consist of a wooden stick at the end of the barrel making it too easy to fail. Unfortunately the recoil is something similar to getting kicked repeatedly in the face by a jackass (the donkey not the humans) repeatedly.

Bren Sexiest gun in the game. I mean seriously, name another gun where the ammo is on the top and the sights are on the side......oh wait sniper rifles. Imagine a machine gun sniper hybrid and that's the Bren.

FG42: German spelling of Fag42. If you can find this gun, you spend TOO much F***ing time playing the game. Find the round button on the front of your computer, push a few dozen times, go find a girl, and get laid.

DP-28: One of the fabulous lay-down-and-die machine guns. It has a UFO on top that holds exactly 47 bullets (no joke), and can only swivel about 45 degrees on its bipod. Best used while camping at the top of staircases.

MG34: An improved, portable version of the MG42, it has none of that pussy overheating shit to sorry about, but sadly you must worry about ammo. This horrible shortcoming was quite possibly the reason the Germans lost the damn war.

M1919A4: This horrible attempt at a machine gun has a horrible reality-defying treat as well: When mounted on jeeps, it has unlimited ammo. When man-portable, however, you suddenly have ammo concerns. WHAT THE HELL is this? Fortunately, this weapon only appears in multiplayer, meaning that this gun was never used in war and was not responsible for thousands of Americans dying due to bullshit ammo problems.

PPSH:Tremendous pile of shit. Has 2 firing options: Full auto, where the recoil makes your character look like he's having an upright seizure. The other option is Semi-auto, which is so disappointing compared to full-auto that the character instantly commits suicide if used after full-auto.

Vehicles

CoD:UO has to make up for the dumb-ass weapons it add....it adds vehicles to the multiplayer. You have your choice of Jeeps or tanks, both of which have advantages and disadvantages.

Jeeps

Advantages:It has a horn! Annoy enemies in all new ways with the new horn. Unfortunately, the horn has stamina (wtf).

Disadvantages:While it has several positions (3), one person can switch between them, but it takes an average of 2 and a half minutes to switch seats. Combine that with the fact that one hit from anything---tank, flak88, nuclear bomb, luger---and it will explode instantly, you have a rolling, fast-moving deathtrap for all riders. it also only have four wheels when only 1 would do.

Tanks

Advantages: Holy DUCK powerful, holy DUCK tough. HOLY DUCK DAMAGE

Disadvantages: Holy shit slow, half the tanks you cant move the turret sideways. Also, tanks gather momentum rather quickly. So if you try to stop, you will more that likely continue spinning right past the target for about a minute.

See Also

• Call of Duty