Ferret
| The Happiest Weasel! | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Slinky |
| Class | Thief |
| Order | Tube sock |
| Family | Lagomorph |
| Genus | Musktelid |
| Species | putridius |
| Binomial name | |
| Musktelid putridius | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | 1d+3,war dancing (coarse sharpening stone) |
| Secondary armament | 1d1+4 Dook(may cause madness) |
| Power supply | 3.2L 295 hp(222 KW for communists) H6- the Porche Boxter Sedan Trim engine |
| Health | 3 |
| Mana | 2 |
| Strength | .6 |
| Intelligence | 5 |
| Weight | 2.2 Lb. |
| Length | (1'5)-(3) Ft |
| Special attack | War Dance, Huffing, teleportation, Realigning the space-time continuum |
| Conservation status | |
| Light Truck/ Medium Rare | |
“PHEAR US!”
“They are mammals!”
“Chuck Norris is really a Ferret in disguise!”
“Ferret are really a Chuck Norris in disguise!”
“Confucius quoted something about Chuck Norris!”
“Hehehe... penis!!”
“But those statements make no sense!”
“Can we get back to the subject of this article?! Namely... ME!”
Ferrets, also known as long-kittens, are small mammals closely related to minks and weasels, but not bellydancers. Dehabitation destroyed what should be their natural habitat long ago , so they are now most often found in movie theatres and condominiums. They are a member of the Slinky family.
Ferrets are by nature world conquerors, and routinely devise doomsday devices capable of eradicating all life on Earth. However, they never manage to build these devices to a point of functionality, due to distraction by shiny and crinkly sounding components.One of the most well know ferrets is Brian Gibbons.
Little Known Facts about Ferrets[edit | edit source]
- Ferrets regularly defy the laws of physics by being solid, liquid, and completey insanely cute all at the same time.
- The mob is run by ferrets.
- Ferrets own the high fructose corn syrup industry (ferret crap)
- If you catch people referring to something being "Ferret-Size", you can safely presume that whatever object they are referring to is the perfect size at the given time.
- In some Eastern countries, it is common to vigorously rub the luxurious furry underbelly of a ferret for luck. This has resulted in the creation of many "Stop the Sexual Abuse of Ferrets!!" organizations where many famous people have been known to speak out against this vile and sickening practice. No ferrets have ever complained.
- There has been rumours that Mariah Carey has donated 5 fully functioning merkins to various ferret support groups from her own private collection (which had previously been turned down by the Salvation Army who threatened to sing if they were not taken back immediately).
- Ferrets cannot be found unless they wish to be.
- Ferrets are as mad as a bag of badgers.
- Ferrets are in fact sometimes made of equal parts Silly Putty and chaos.
- Ferrets are in the same family as a stoat, read also Stoat Box
- Ferrets are the cause of global warming, but this has been covered up by the Bush Administration
- Ferrets are Professors of Maths. First there was one, then just another one won't make a difference, then a few more for company, next world domination!
- Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes may contain traces of ferrets.
- A group of ferrets is called a Business - generally a thieving business.
- Ferrets were first kept as pets in Japan, which lead to the creation of the ninja, when owners attempted to emulate their furry companions.
- The verb "ferret" refers to when something is moved for the sheer joy of annoying someone else. This term came about to describe ferrets stealing various household objects from shoes to bowls to the occasional swiffer duster.
- Ferrets one day evolved from what we now know as "Trailer Trash" around the year 2005.
- Ferrets dance a lot when music is on.
- Ferrets collect socks to help build their evil machines.
- Although theorized by scientists, little or no proof has been found of a mythological ferret habitation colloquially known as "Ferretopia".
- Ferrets caused 9/11.
- Ferrets have x-ray vision but rely on hippies to feed them
- Ferrets can teleport from one from to another
- The natural prey of Ferrets are Lolcats
- Ferrets prefer to eat Lolcats in the form of soft tacos. They donate extra Lolcat meat to Taco Bell.
- napoleon Bonaparte was secretly a ferret
- Napoleon Bonaparte wishes he was a ferret, only because they are several feet taller than him.
Known Attacks Involving Ferrets[edit | edit source]
- The take over of the Island of Mandango.
- Have you seen that movie where the blue people who are like, 5 metres tall get attacked by the midgets in their robo suits, it was just like that but replace "blue people" with ferrets and "robo" with guinea pigs who have been smoking some weird sh!t lately. Know what I Mean?
- Ferrets took over El Salvador in 2002 and have been ruling ever since.
The Happy Dance[edit | edit source]
The Happy Dance is when the common house ferret goes bat fuck insane. They usually do this when they need tacos. They need tacos or they will explode. That happens to them sometimes.
Use By Nihilists[edit | edit source]
Unlike myths state, Nihilists do not in fact use marmots. They use ferrets as their main armaments. That guy was wrong. What the fuck is a marmot anyway?
Ferret qualities[edit | edit source]
The smell of a ferret is somewhere between that of a felled oak tree and two day old squirrel sushi. That being said, ferrets smell much better than cats, which we all know are the enemy of all that is holy anyway. Christ, cats stink. Anyway, ferrets possess many upstanding qualities, such as suicidal curiosity, the ability to sleep through the second coming of Republican Jesus, and the ability to fit into a space slightly larger than three quarks wide. Ferrets also have an adorable face that is approximately as cute as Pokemon dolls, pound puppies, and three year old girls in pigtails and summer dresses all rolled into one. Ferrets exhibit a natural disposition for elasticity. The source of this insatiable bounciness has to this day not been determined; all scientific evidence gathered thus far by varying international research communities has proved inconclusive and subsequently missing, along with all implicated personnel's socks.
Ruler of All Brian Gibbons[edit | edit source]
Brian Gibbons (Brian high-ferretous-corn syrup Gibbons "fuzzius") is the Supreme Mascot for all ferret lovers. His colon is full with all of your food and beverages etc. He is the CEO of Gibbons Law Firm, your mom. Brian Gibbons is on facebook http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000647742317&ref=ts.
WARNING DANGER DANGER[edit | edit source]
Do not attempt to wash a ferret. Ferrets take great pleasure in doing the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Therefore, washing a ferret only increases the smell, just to spite you. Also, as nature's natural scientist, they will immediately run to the dirtiest part of the house to evenly distribute cleanliness and dirt. The ferret will also be, in the ferret and everyone else's mind, completely justified in biting the hell out your hand. After all, if you tried to drown Uncyclopedia (the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit) it would also bite the hell out of your hand. Or maybe just sic Steve Ballmer on your ass. Either way, you'll be sorry!
But seriously, how can anyone stand the stench of a cat? It's tasty. Just like Michael Jackson's jury duty summons, good Lord. The butt of a ferret is so complex that if you were to put a scope into it you would eventually die from toasted warts.
More Powerful Than Chuck Norris?! Blasphemy! Madness! (answers) THIS-IS-SPARDA!!!! ...wait did I get the line wrong?[edit | edit source]
Ferret's are more dangerous than any single being in the conceivable and the inconceivable universe (yes, they are that bad), even worse than Chuck Norris... that is right, you heard me, for Chuck Norris can attribute all of his ultra-godly powers to the mystical force that Ferrets have been using before Chuck Norris could spell the letter 'Ch'.
This force, is know as Guff.
Guff is beyond explanation.
Stuff is guff, but guff is not stuff, because they're related in a way similar to rectangles and squares, and nobody wants to be a square (or a parallelogram, and especially those evil bastard Communist rhombuses!).
If Guff could be measured and compared to stuff, Guff would be uber-infinity, and stuff would be either 0, -23, or pie... mmm, pie!
Ferrets are dangerous because they have inexplicably mastered the arcane powers of the Guff, and hence forth they should be feared above all, for one to picture the true threat of Ferrets, one must imagine an entire species of beings whom are better at doing everything Chuck Norris does, better than Chuck Norris himself! And that must make you realize, who can be Chuck better than Chuck... maybe a Woodchuck... that's a lot of Chuck...
The origins of Guff are believed to center around the tale of two beings, one being a monster and another being a master, or meister. And no... this is not a rennactment of the crazy story made up by some old man with a fetish for the moon.
The monster in the story is called the Guffmonster.
The ma- meister in this story is called the Guffmeister.
...and then there was Guff!
Yes, it's so epic that it only needs to be told in three short sentences! A letter more, and your ballsack would explode... oh wait, you don't have one? I guess your face will have to do...
More information must be uncovered, for any being who controls the Guff, can only be stopped by one who controls Anti-Guff.
And Anti-Guff is Guff at the same time.
Which makes for a very confusing scenario...