Neil Kinnock Ruins A Game of Mario Kart: Double Dash
Jake was deep in a tense round of Mario Kart: Double Dash, playing on the first lap of Luigi Circuit.
He was in eighth place, but an item box was just ahead. If he got a red shell or a Bullet Bill, he could still turn this around.
The roulette spun.
A box popped up over Luigi’s head.
It was Neil Kinnock.
Jake blinked. “What?”
Perplexed, Jake used the item.
Luigi immediately slowed down.
“WHAT?!” Jake yelled.
A muffled welsh-sounding voice clip played.
"The important thing is to keep goin'."
Luigi’s acceleration dropped slightly. His turning became just a little more sluggish. Not game-breaking, just slightly worse.
Jake stared in horror.
“Who is this?!” Jake shouted, frantically mashing buttons.
His little brother watched, confused. “Maybe it’s a special trick.”
Jake clutched the controller, trying to compensate for Luigi’s suddenly worse handling. He drifted into a turn—but Neil Kinnock made Luigi’s traction slightly worse, causing him to clip the edge and spin out.
A Lakitu floated in to fish him off the track.
“NO! THIS IS RUINING MY LIFE!” Jake shouted.
The effect wore off just as he crossed the finish line in eighth place.
Jake sat there, stunned. His brother burst out laughing.
“What was that?”
Jake opened the in-game guide, scrolling through the item list.
No mention of Neil Kinnock.
“I- I’ve never seen anything like this before.” Jake muttered.
His brother shrugged. “Maybe Nintendo put him in by accident.”
Somewhere in Nintendo's headquarters, a programmer sat at his desk, staring at an old, inexplicable line of code:
Apply_KinnockEffect();
// (??? - DO NOT DELETE - UNKNOWN FUNCTIONALITY - 2003)
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