Mario Kart
Mario Kart is a ̶C̶I̶A̶-̶a̶s̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶p̶i̶r̶a̶c̶y̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶j̶e̶c̶t̶ driving simulator franchise developed by the power-hungry Japanese corporation-from-hell known as Nintendo. It has went on to become one of the company's best-selling franchises since its beginning in God-knows-when. Various characters from Nintendo's Super Mario franchise are placed into a massive friendship-destroying hellhole to drive go-carts and annihilate each other with various weapons of mass destruction. While its well-known origins as a coordinated attempt by the paranoid American Central Intelligence Agency to sever bonds between youth in order to reduce the possibilities of juvenile uprisings around the U.S.A. (and the rest of the world) still have influence over the development of modern Mario Kart games, the main driving force nowadays is Nintendo's endless lust and greed.
History[edit | edit source]
In 1991, the CIA approached Nintendo Co, Ltd. over concerns that their control over American society was dwindling. Their stash of McDonald's Big Macs and deep fried water was on the decline, and they believed that the best way to maintain power was to sever ties between the youth, since to control the children is to control the future of their nation. Nintendo declined initially, but the CIA resorted to aggression, capturing multiple developers and forcing them to create a game for them at gunpoint. Thus Mario Kart was born.
Super Mario Kart (1992)[edit | edit source]
The first entry in the franchise, 1992's Super Mario Kart began as a simple racing game featuring generic-looking drivers. However, the CIA insisted that the game would sell better and thus have greater influence if Mario characters were used. Due to the stressful and rushed development resulting from the torture inflicted upon the developers, the game was overall unpolished, with ugly, completely flat race tracks, poorly-drawn racers, and relatively repetitive gameplay. The game only supported two players at once, but that was enough to send a whole generation into rage and fury, due to Super Mario Kart's surprisingly high sales (nearly one copy per American neighborhood, the standard measurement unit of success among video game developers.) The unusual choice of Donkey Kong Jr. as a playable character can be attributed to the character's resemblance to one of the cruelest agents hired to direct the game's development.
Mario Kart 64 (1997)[edit | edit source]
Due to the first game's failure to destroy nearly as many friendships as anticipated, the CIA backed off from development of the sequel. While initially reluctant to make a second Mario Kart due to the tyranny involved in the first game's development, the high sales of the original prompted Nintendo to create a new version. Mario Kart 64 featured actual three-dimensional tracks for the first time in the series, many brand-new weapons, and now up to four innocent children could be transformed into savage barbarians at once.
Anti-American affiliation[edit | edit source]
The CIA's cruelty had left a massive wave of anti-CIA and anti-American sentiment resonating within Nintendo's headquarters, and many elements of this can be seen within the final game, the most notable of which being that in the Japanese version, various American brands (as well as the Italian Agip), are faced with blatant copyright infringement on the game's billboards. (This was, obviously, changed in the international versions of the game.) Early in Mario Kart 64's development, the planned feather powerup was removed, due to association with the bald eagle. A lesser known example is that the infamous unused "town" track located within the game's files, which is a near-perfect copy of the CIA's largest base in Japan, contains a dark room which contains various glowing caricatures of Nintendo's most notorious CIA tormentors, a giant rotating image of Terry A. Davis's head with laser eyes, and the words "THEY GLOW IN THE DARK" plastered in red all over the walls. We decline to display an image of this room, since it could easily put both us editors and you readers on Uncyclopedia on the government watchlist.
Mario Kart: Super... Something (2001?)[edit | edit source]
As far back as 1992, due to the success of the Nintendo Game Boy, the CIA had wanted to create a version of Mario Kart for the system so that even those who were too poor to afford a console would fall victim to their almighty plans of a subliminal propaganda machine. However, the original Game Boy proved far too incapable to handle such a game. It is believed that as soon as the new Game Boy Advance (which resembled the original, aside from the word "Advance(d)" in its title, as well as an upgrade from the computing power of a toaster to that of a microwave oven) was about to come out, such a portable Mario Kart was rushed into existence and released the same day as the handheld system itself (some time, circa 2001.) ̶D̶e̶s̶p̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶s̶ ̶r̶e̶l̶a̶t̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶d̶i̶o̶c̶r̶i̶t̶y̶,̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶i̶o̶ ̶K̶a̶r̶t̶:̶ ̶S̶u̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶C̶i̶r̶c̶u̶i̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶i̶d̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶n̶i̶c̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶a̶n̶ ̶f̶a̶v̶o̶r̶i̶t̶e̶.̶ ̶W̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶F̶B̶I̶,̶ ̶C̶I̶A̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶l̶p̶h̶a̶b̶e̶t̶ ̶b̶o̶y̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶i̶n̶u̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶h̶u̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶d̶u̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶c̶l̶a̶i̶m̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶i̶d̶e̶a̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶a̶ ̶p̶o̶r̶t̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶i̶o̶ ̶K̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶s̶t̶o̶l̶e̶n̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶,̶ ̶i̶t̶s̶ ̶s̶m̶o̶o̶t̶h̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶r̶o̶l̶s̶,̶ ̶i̶m̶p̶r̶o̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶v̶e̶r̶s̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶r̶i̶g̶i̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶i̶o̶ ̶K̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶r̶a̶c̶e̶t̶r̶a̶c̶k̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶e̶r̶ ̶n̶o̶s̶t̶a̶l̶g̶i̶a̶ ̶m̶e̶a̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶f̶a̶n̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶i̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶h̶i̶d̶d̶e̶n̶ ̶g̶e̶m̶.̶ Little is known about this third version of Mario Kart, which seems to have immediately faded into obscurity. If anyone claims to own a copy of this game, experts advise that one must bring such person to be inspected at an asylum immediately.
Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (2003)[edit | edit source]
The weird fourth installment of Mario Kart is notable for introducing a large selection of vehicles and racers, reducing the blandness from the rickety go-carts seen in previous games, removing the ability to jump (I thought this was Mario!), and most importantly, adding ability to play as two characters at once, where one drives and the other uses the power-ups. This feature was loosely inspired by the developers' now-ten-year-old memories of armed glowing agents (the game's bright, shiny-looking characters cannot be a coincidence) watching the developers' attempts to drive their progress along whilst hanging behind their backs. Racetrack hazards include a man-eating piranha plant in a quicksand whirlpool, a giant fucking ball of teeth that baby Mario and Luigi can use as a weapon somehow, ACTUAL MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAURS, and RhymesWithStomach's singing face on the game's iteration of Rainbow Road.
Mario Kart DS (2005)[edit | edit source]
Few things helped the Nintendo DS print money as much as Mario Kart DS. The game was notable for its incredible graphics, in full HD (horrible definition) resolution with pixels so chunky you could eat them, beautifully angular characters, and the inclusion of four tracks from each previous game (all worse than the originals.) The game could cause you to abandon three of your friends at once, even if they did not own a copy of the game. Mario Kart DS included a myriad of mini-games, "missions", boss fights, "missions", and even free online service. (This level of generosity was rare, even for 2005 Nintendo, and everyone knows that when Nintendo isn't acting greedy, they do not care much about a game, thus the name DS, short for dogshit. Thus Nintendo eventually shut down their Wi-Fi service in 2014, the same week Mario Kart 8 came out... bastards.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Game Modes[edit | edit source]
Every version of Mario Kart features the following five gamemodes,
or variations of them:
Mario GP[edit | edit source]
Known simply as "Grand Prix" in later installments, only one player is usually allowed at a time, and according to CIA internment camp survivor Hideki Konno, this mode originally was intended to encourage children to angrily fight over the controller, so that whoever was able to beat his or her former friend to a bloody corpse would be able to race through an entire cup, preventing an organized youth uprising little by little. Midway has admitted that Mortal Kombat, which also came out in 1992, was inspired by such brawls, and Mortal Kombat's acronym MK is a subtle nod to Nintendo's Mario Kart.
Time Trial[edit | edit source]
Time Trial is generally considered the most boring way to play Mario Kart, unless you are an absolute geek. The mode features no powerups except for the three mushroom-shaped flamethrowers which you start the "race" with. Players race against nobody except the ghosts of their own best race times, which ruins a good part of the fun in Mario Kart: bonking your newly made enemies into death pits with big characters such as Bowser and Wario. Apparently, the mode was intentionally made boring to bring players back to more friendship-killing opportunities, yet distracting anyone who was too clever and talented for the CIA to consider them to be a desirable member of society from the outside world. (This is why most Mario Kart speedrunners are ugly dwellers with acne, hairy necks, extra-pale skin, and no life.)
VS Race[edit | edit source]
The most iconic Mario Kart game type, and likely the one that has ruined the most friendships. The goal behind Versus mode, well known to both dark-web hackers and unsuspecting parents, of course, is to gather two to four innocent children and watch them slowly transform into monsters (In fact, you can play as dollar-store versions of Godzilla and King Kong in every version of the driving simulators.) For every child who has gone berserk and been taught to swear by Xbox Live, five have done so by playing Mario Kart. Microsoft is still jealous of Nintendo for this fact to this day.
The fundamental jargon of Mario Kart VS. mode includes the following phrases:
"AAAHH! WHO THE HELL PUT THAT BANANA ON THE JUMP?" (Self-explanatory.)
"NOOOO, NOT THE BLUE SHELL WHYYYYYYYY? FUCK YOU CARL!" (No offense to any readers named Carl, as the name is completely interchangeable with anything.)
"I'm gonna fuckin' crush you, bro!" (Translation: I will be stuck in eighth place for the entire race.)
"AAAAAAAHH FUUUUUUUCK" (A phrase hardwired into all childrens' brains to be screamed after a lightning bolt is used.)
"AAAAaaaaaaaaa!" (Translation: I just fell down a hole.)
"NOOO PLEASE NOT RAINBOW ROAD PLEASE PLEASE PLEEASE!" (A beg for mercy in an attempt to ensure that one's friendship lasts slightly longer, often resulting in Bowser's Castle being chosen instead.)
"GIMME A STAR... OR A BULLET... OR ANYTHING..." (Magic words that result in a last-place finish. Nobody knows how Nintendo's master wizards programmed this to work, to this day.)
"Hey... I'm bored of this, can we play something else?" (A usually ignored phrase generally said by the youngest player, who will probably come right back to raging over Mario Kart within minutes.)
Battle[edit | edit source]
Battle Mode was designed as an alternate friendship destroyer for players who get bored of racing. Each player appears in one of a few small, mostly symmetrical and boring maps, and has three of what are generally assumed to be balloons, yet they pop when a racer's car gets hit with a projectile rather than the "balloons" themselves, one at a time. The mode was inspired by a moment when a Nintendo employee (whose name we shall not mention to avoid even more government suspicion) managed to sneak into the CIA's Japanese stronghold, the same creepy out-of-place "town" that inspired an unused Mario Kart 64 track, in a plan to end his foreign torturers' reign of terror over Nintendo. There he observed several CIA agents swallowing their famous bioluminescence juice, known for its early side effect of driving its users into a murderous rage. The agents were then escorted into a large fighting ring. Mario Kart's battle mode life bars resemble balloons due to the commonly known fact that the CIA's glowjuice includes helium as an important ingredient. There various weapons would be placed on the floor, and the crazed agents would fight until enough helium had escaped from their bloodstream through wounds. The fighting ring's floor is colored brown due to decades of feces: it was used as a temporary latrine shortly after it was built following Japan's defeat in the Second World War, and crazed "glowies" continue to defecate here when tired from the fights. Nintendo has heard claims that the CIA are planning to shut down all headquarters in Japan, due not just to the decreased necessity caused by Japan slowly becoming a U.S. puppet state, but also dwindling helium supplies.
Beerio Kart[edit | edit source]
Beerio Kart was once an age-old spin on the VS race formula, in which players would have to consume an entire cup of beer during each race, while not being able to drink and drive at the same time. A player who fails to finish the beer by the race's end is disqualified, and the remaining player with the most in-game points wins. However, recently Nintendo has began to advertise Beerio Kart as a real mode, in an effort to drive sales for Mario Kart 8 among adults, and possibly to promote underage drinking as well. This makes Beerio Kart the first gamemode to not have been designed as a ploy to stunt juvenile uprisings, an important step in the series's progress.
Friendship Destroyer Toolkit[edit | edit source]
One of Mario Kart's most distinct features is the item roulette (an attempt by desperate Nintendo programmers to curb the CIA's malicious plans by subliminally promoting gambling to children, thus helping keep the otherwise friendship-destroying monster somewhat wholesome,) which activates whenever a question block is ran into. A few of the more recurring tools and weapons that can be acquired from the item roulette are as follows:
Magic 'Shrooms: A reference to the original Super Mario Bros., in which a Brooklyn plumber believes he must save a princess from a fire-breathing turtle in a mushroom-induced hallucination. However, in Mario Kart, instead of tripping out from shrooms, the player receives a rocket boost from using them, as apparently hallucinogens are very good go-cart fuel.
Golden Magic 'Shrooms: The highest-quality drugs on the market. Known to give children temporary reactions as if they had overdosed, as Golden Magic 'Shrooms are generally recklessly abused by almost all Mario Kart drivers: mashing the button as rapidly as possible.
Dead Turtles: Millions or even billions of innocent turtles are slaughtered every year, to the anger of ecologists, environmentalists and animal activists, for the sole sake of using their shells as big, heavy projectiles to destroy your friends. The green turtle shells are sturdier, designed specifically to bounce back and hit the player who threw the shell, or else bounce around for ages until they break. The red variant is the world's favorite DIY homing missile.
AAAHHH FUCK NOOOO: This deadly weapon is known officially as the "spiny shell" and to the average player as the "blue shell", but it is believed that its original and true name is AAAHHH FUCK NOOOO, for this is the most commonly uttered phrase by drivers when this spiky blue turtle shell with wings is in play. The AAAHHH FUCK NOOOO is easily the most hated item to every player except those who have an AAAHHH FUCK NOOOO.
Trip-Stars: It is highly likely that the Trip-Star is based on some sort of Japanese hallucinatory drug, since it originated, like the Magic 'Shroom, as a 1985 Super Mario Bros. powerup. The thing causes a player's character to go crazy and start flashing rainbow colors like a cartoony drug effect, smashing through everyone and everything in the player's path. One may also drive through grass at full speed until the power wears off.
Your Friend's Little Brother's Voice: A weapon primarily found in four-player VS races and sometimes in three-player games. Guaranteed to startle and shock everyone so that people fall down holes and run into bananas while listening to virtually random screams.
Midget Electrocutor: Despite claims that lightning "never strikes the same place twice", this will hit players at an average of at least five times per race. All a player has to do is stay in the back of the pack, get this dreaded bolt molded by the Greek god Zeus himself, and laugh as everyone turns into midgets while god-awful music plays in the background.
Banana Landmines: perhaps the most pain-inducing item of all. It is common to barely notice these and drive right into them, especially in four-player mode, where everyone only gets a quarter of the screen, so the video quality is as awful as the game's quality.
Fake Items: .ƃuᴉɥʇ pooƃ ɐ ǝq ʇɥƃᴉɯ ʇɐɥʇ puɐ ʻɯǝʇᴉ sᴉɥʇ ǝʌɐɥ uǝʌǝ ʇou op ʇɹɐꓘ oᴉɹɐꟽ ⅎo suoᴉsɹǝʌ ʇsǝʍǝu ǝɥꓕ .spᴉʞ ǝʅʇʇᴉʅ uǝʌǝ ʇou ʻɯǝɥʇ ɹoɟ sʅʅɐɟ ʎpoqou ʎʅǝʇnʅosqɐ ǝsnɐɔǝq ʻsʅǝǝd ɐuɐuɐq ʇsnɾ ʎʅʅɐɔᴉsɐᗺ .pǝɹ ʎʅʅɐnsn ǝɹɐ puɐ ʻʞɹɐɯ uoᴉʇsǝnb pǝʇɹǝʌuᴉ uɐ ɥʇᴉʍ ʇdǝɔxǝ ʻʞɔoʅq uoᴉʇsǝnb ʎɹɐuᴉpɹo ǝɥʇ ǝʅqɯǝsǝɹ ǝsǝɥꓕ
Literal Fucking Bombs: Yes, they may have eyes, legs and wind-up handles, but indeed, they are here. In Mario Kart 64, dead players become living bombs, effectively a new form of suicide bomber. This may be a satirization of the American "war on terror", but this rumor is unconfirmed. Nintendo has been asked about this theory by sweaty, skeptic fans from all over the world hundreds of times, and they have replied each time, "ほとんどの女の子はあなたよりもあなたのおばあちゃんとセックスしたいと思うでしょう", which means in Japanese: "We know nothing about this subject, nani the hell are you talking about?"
Triple Variations: were suggested to be added into the 64 version by a CIA agent, who was fluent in Japanese and disguised as Shigeru Miyamoto himself. Many Mario Kart WMD's have triplex counterparts: the dead turtles circle players so they can use them as carcass forcefields, Banana Landmine Bunches trail behind the player like a large tail, referencing famed Nintendo producer Takashi Tezuka's father, who had grown a tail as a result of nuclear fallout in Hiroshima, and the triple mushroom is just a regular mushroom, except that there are three of them.
Game Rules[edit | edit source]
0.
What were you expecting? There are no rules!
Reception[edit | edit source]
Mario Kart has become a global icon both globally and iconically. Few children and adolescents on this planet have never heard of it, not even in the third world, half of which consists of countries where all the children want to play Mario Kart but few are able to afford it, and the other half consists of countries where the UN has prohibited Nintendo to sell copies for danger of creating tensions.
Popularity in the Fourth World[edit | edit source]
The fourth world, however, is plenty in Mario Kart copies due to lack of copyright and anti-piracy laws, since most fourth-world countries have very large pirate populations to take into account, due to existing entirely in the sea. The Mariotime Maritime Mario Kart Open (MMMKO) is held each year by the nations of Lemuria, the Principality of Sealand, Atlantis, Atlantica, Ataglance, East Timor, Brazil, and Denmark 2: Electric Smorrebrod Boogaloo; each nation's top eight players must compete by playing Mario Kart: Arcade GP 2 upside down through a crusty video camera, with the arcade machine's steering wheel and pedals being connected by wires roughly 82,417,038 four-dimensional nautical inches long (a measurement impossible to convert into miles or kilometers with our current knowledge.) After an awfully long round-robin tournament, the winner is awarded pills that would apparently allow him or her to skip 350 million years of evolution, grow lungs and visit the land, but so far every winner of such tournament has been to concerned about the side effects and the effects of introducing terrestrial people to unheard-of skills. In 2011, despite the game's piracy angering Nintendo greatly, perhaps even too much, Nintendo celebrated the fourth-world Mario Kart community's enthusiasm by adding underwater sections into Mario Kart 7. (Most other Mario Karts before 7 had areas where you could drive underwater, including the original Super Mario Kart from 1992. The difference, as Nintendo knows, is the advertising.)
Reviews[edit | edit source]
"In the Lord's name, we must discard all copies of the Nintendo-CIA conspiracy known as "Super Mario Kart", and hopefully shoot down a few glowers along the way." -Terry A. Davis, 1996
"It's called a road, it's called a Rainbow Road..." Rhymes With Stomach, in memory of his dead uncle, 2008
"IT PRINTS MONEY!" - Shigeru Miyamoto, 2005
"YEAHH BITCH! OHH!!" - Walter "Heisenberg" White, Breaking Bad on winning a Mario Kart race, 2021
"I like Yoshi" - Every six-year-old ever, 20XX
"Blubb glubb blubb blubb blubb glubb blubb" -Blublbublubublub Blorpblubt, MMMKO and Mario Kart DS world championship winner, 2008
Note: The original Uncyclopedia page for "Mario Kart" was deleted in 2009 over claims that it belonged on a "junior" version of the site. I misremembered the page as being deleted by Lyrithya (as it usually goes), although it turned out that Lyrithya apparently created the whole thing solo.[1]
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