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Not even Cornwall is safe from these... things.

Minions (Minious Infertilious) are a race of semi-sentient beings generally found in your local supermarket next to the instant mash section (Location may vary). Fresh minions may also be on display in the deli section adjacent to the fresh meats. Wild minions can be found across the globe, from the hills of Scotland where the celtic kilt-wearing minions roam the land. Ireland, where leprosy is in its highest and most potent form. To east Asia, where octo-core processors, nanomachines and slavery is at its finest.

Beginning[edit | edit source]

When first discovered, minions were considered a fashion item being worn on the necks, wrists and beards of owners. Kept out in the open Minions would wither and go all dry. Alchemists and Wizards were baffled at this problem and dumbfounded all who ponder. The answer you ask? Pickled vegetables. One of the greatest discoveries made by man standing just behind space travel and agriculture.

Anatomy[edit | edit source]

The average minion consists of 67% processed meats, 28% electrical components, 3% advertisements and 2% human. These fundamental factors of the minion anatomy is unique to only the minion itself, McChicken burgers, Pepsi and organic vegetables. Minions contain basic CPU's in their lower abdominal regions, sending commands through-out the chassis of the minion by Morse code and text messages. Since the main Core of the minion is at the lower abdomen, a well placed kick to the groin is almost certainly going to reset the minions commands. GreenPeace and Human welfare companies have been misled to think minions were actually slaves being abused and made retarded due to physical action. This is all false, obviously. No seriously its false.

Types of Minion[edit | edit source]

Quoted directly from the Minions at Home Handbook

Grunt -Typical lesser minded mutant, Likes dark damp places and radiates low IQ. The after effects of bearing this title generally has the subject spout large leathery wings and a hunched back.-

Personal use -Minions more suited to the masters pleasure. General requirements to apply for this position are large breasts (D cup recommended) and a maid costume. Variations of this form of minion are vast, from female to male and even sheep-

Costumed Retards Heroes -There are two sub-categories for this minion. Solo and group. Solo minions generally had a traumatic childhood and focused on being the more powerful rather than being a sociable part of community. Groups tend to favour the saying "I'll do you, if you do me" Both groups have the minions wearing tight spandex costumes fighting Visionaries

Handling[edit | edit source]

Most Minions boast an average IQ at around 40 and below. Any normal human bearing this condition would almost indefinitely be hospitalised. Since being almost mentally brain dead, this is a perfect aspect for minions.

Minions preferred grazing spots include dark damp cellars, supermarkets, working 24/7 to their masters bidding each looking forward to spoon reap their rewards in their highly appealing cold steel cages.

Minions have a very strict diet consisting of red strawberries the most, blue strawberries often referred to as "blueberries", yellow strawberries or "bananas", orange strawberries or "oranges", green strawberries or "kiwis", and purple strawberries or "grapes". Any other "fruits" are considered veggies to them and minions despise veggies and usually revolt if this is given to them. Please remember their diet or else you will have a very angry minion on your hands.

Where to buy[edit | edit source]

Since slavery was abolished, Minions and their counterpart market has gone into a steady decline, with the public access towards this market getting increasingly harder to access. The FBI has issued a crackdown on the trading of minions in 2000. Spokesmen for the Federal Bureau issuing a statement conceded to reveal that by the 17th of February 2009 a major part of the minion trade market will be stopped, which in turn could create a massive drop in minion sales. Investigations in 2000 were done by a certain Robert Hanssen. In 2001 Hanssen was caught selling top secret information to the Russian Kgb for diamonds and money. This information included the best shops to purchase minions and the best seasons to get the Whore form of minion. Halloween was later revealed to be the best time, as many men are more into a vampire wearing tight leather than say, a bumblebee.

The FBI timed the 2009 Crackdown the same day as Digital tv takes its hold on the world, this strengthening the tightening iron fist of the "Digital Imperium Subject: Nazi Enrollment Yodel" Shops currently participating in the trade of minions:

  • Ebay
  • Walmart
  • Asda
  • All local corner shops
  • FBI souvenir shops
  • Best n less
  • Amazon
  • All Chinese take-aways (ask for live minions, not special fried)
  • All Indian take-aways
  • This site
  • Your mom

Your mom was one of the traders of minions caught. Your mom is currently serving a life sentence of solitary confinement in a strait jacket. Your mom is a well known and popular woman in the prison society. Being a crackwhore for most of her life, your birth was a mild complication between a paying citizen and $100 of hard-core sex in which the customers condom broke. With authorities chasing her for her bank problems, she found it wise to keep you and claim benefits from your presence. If it was not for the recent rise in pay from benefits she would have traded you earlier for cocaine.

Who did the Minions Serve Between 1933 and 1945[edit | edit source]

This is a long unanswered question that individuals have attempted to answer during the last century. While no definite conclusion exists, some researchers propose that the minions could have served:

-Adolf Hitler A major individual renown for his "evilness". It is hypothesized that Hitler made contact with the minion race in 1933, mistaking them for the mysterious nordic race of Hyperborea or Agartha

-Joseph Stalin The minions were sent to gulags in Siberia, which is why you see them in ice caves

-Benito Mussolini Who was this guy? IDK tbh.

-Al Capone Can't leave him out.

-Capybaras The chillest animals always have ulterior motives...

The following guesses were based off of evidence provided by NASA.

Association with 9/11[edit | edit source]

In the year 2000, the minions got invited to OSAMA BIN LADEN's slumber party. Other notable individuals invited were:

The slumber party was actually a front for OSAMA's secret tower plan. During the party, they played many games such as JENGA, shoot the monkey, pranks in the hood, and microsoft flight simulator. They all stayed inside a mental institute for 1 week since mental institutes are free to stay at. Other things that occurred during the party were:

1. the sped kid died of autism 3.0.

2. florida man ate an alligator.

3. the homeless guy learned how to make his first bomb.

4. and finally, osama bin laden hatched the master plan.

When the party ended, everybody decided on when the plan would occur. Minecraft steve pitched the idea that it should occur on 9/11 because they will call 911 when the towers collapse. At the date 9/11/2001 the minions were hired to fly the plane. Since minions are retarded and unable to think for themselves, them minions were fitted with mental implants that make them much more intelligent and bombs in their chest cavity. The purpose of the bombs were to be a security measure which would allow the minions to blow up in front of the FBI if they got caught.

Here is what happened during the final hours of the flight:[edit | edit source]

The Minions got out of the passenger compartment and brought out some weed, crack, and glocks. They shot up everybody in the plane including the pilots and passengers. The Minions then pooped all over the seats and smeared it on the dead bodies (Minion poop is yellow and smells like onions). Once the towers were destroyed, the rest of the Minions went to Your Mom's house and destroyed her.

The Aftermath[edit | edit source]

Soon after the incident, all forms of Minions were banned from aircraft. No Minions allowed, Period. This means no Minion backpacks, no Minion slaves, no autistic Minions, no onions either. The 4 brave Minions who sacrificed themselves in the planes were awarded the ALLAHU AKBAR AWARD. This is equivalent of a medal of honor in the al-Qaeda organization. Osama Bin Laden then became good friends with the rest of the minions and they played CSGO and Fortnite until the year 2023 in which they passed away from a botched bomb vest training session. About 30 years after 9/11 there is still bigotry and racism against Minionkind. Just because a few Minions were crazy does not mean that all Minions are bad Minions. This is precisely why the FBI FULLY outlawed the Sale, Trade, and Purchase of Minions in any form during the 2002-2003 aftermath period. Many social media campaigns were formed to protest against the ban of minions. As you all might know, crushed minion powder is more powerful than fentanyl. Just ONE molecule can send you into a crazy high. Of course the californians were outraged about the minion ban so they took to making protests and campaigns on social media websites such as Shitter, Pisstagram, Retarddit and crapchat. #savetheminions were one such caption. To this day, Minions are an outlawed type of drugs/workers/pets/tools.

Qualifications and Employment[edit | edit source]

There are many ways to become a minion, most are arduous and difficult. If you were not gifted with "minious infertilious" from birth then your ascension to minionism will be along the academic line. Believed to be almost impossible to complete the 3 year study by any mortal, for it is almost mentally and physically impossible to posses the correct deformities that most minions possess.

Many times throughout history, have minion-related diseases and defects been mistaken for human problems. Diseases like Leprosy severe Epilepsy, In reality errors in the CPU of the Minion are due to faulty wifi systems. Orders are sent through microwaves and phone signals which direct the core processor and internal components built to drive the minion. Orders are sent through in short intermittent bursts, with the signal length dependent on the order duration. Failing to do so will cause all minions in the near-by vicinity to break down into violent spasms and eventually Die.

Due to the arduous conditions minions will go through, through-out their service in the Minionist Republic certain qualifications are needed in hand:

  • 2nd Certificate in Human welfare
  • Willing to sacrifice Free will and any sort of freedom
  • Hunched back
  • Strong bodily odor
  • Deformed face
  • Have a name like Igor