Contents

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“If that's what you're looking for, then go somewhere else. We don't like content here!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Uncyclopedia

Contents are made up of whatever makes something up, they can be important, like a winning lottery ticket (hidden inexplicably in a dresser drawer) or unimportant, like a collection of depressing poems (scattered liberally around a dresser drawer).

Contents of a Road Trip

When packing for a road trip there are several things you MUST, MUST bring, and the vast majority you don't or would just plain be better without. Your checklist...

1. The essentials
2. The things we pretend are essential
3. The things snuck in because they knew they weren't essential
4. The things mom brought because of your incessant whining
5. 7 bags of the same brand of Barbecue-flavored potato chips
6. The things lost in the Family Truckster after your last messy trip where you brought all of the above.
7. That guy who you heard about over the radio hiding in the back seat waiting for his first opportunity to slash the tires, kidnap the kids, booby trap the hotel room, and lose the camera.

Book Contents

Books often contain contents, many book title contents are made up of numbers so that instead of dull, easy to forget page numbers, you can worry about dull, easy to forget chapter numbers. Most chapters are named according to a major spoiler contained inside. To find your chapter, just look for the spoiler in the table of contents (and don't look at the other ones).

Contents of a Crime Scene's Evidence

A) The dead body

B) The obvious weapon

C) Unimportant crumbs from some stupid dude who didn't know it was a crime scene

D) Bodily fluids

E) Contents of a dead man's pocket

E1) Wallet, still with 400,000 in cash

E2) Half-eaten doughnut taken from the man's pocket by the stupid dude mentioned in exhibit C

Nutritional contents

Yes, even food can have the abstract idea of "contents", some most of these include

100% Sugar

100% Glucose

90% Sucrose

95% Dextrose

110% Contentose

15% Partially hydrogenated wheat bits

Just meat enough to gross out both carnivores and vegetarians

The Secret Ingredient

Body content

Ironically the easiest index of contents to list is in the most complicated of structures

BODY FAT: 250% OVER MAX WEIGHT LIMIT

Video content

I'll stick some stuff here about contents that constitute movie ratings. I'm really hard up for jokes.

• G - A lost art. A clean movie containing a good enough message and sense of humor to keep both adults and children entertained without buckling down to stupid plot turns and predictable jokes.
• PG-13 - a step just below the PG rating. Content may contain dumbed-down violence, graphic explosions, blood-like green slime and partial bikini shots.
• PG - For guidance of the most daring of parents, may contain explicit fart jokes, dark fictional violence, banishing to hell, Extremely realistic animated sequences and the like.
• R - The pinnacle of questionable content captured on film. Most modern examples contain dumb teenagers trying to act in peril, repetitive torture sequences and chainsaw duels. Some milder examples may contain plot to balance out such scenes.
• NC-17 - Like R, except with 1.5 more minutes of Xtreme ultraviolence available only on SE DVD.
• Unrated - Unrated movies are special cases in film which are known to contain incredibly brutal scenes of combat, mature dialogue, and scenes of intense love..

And in that vein, DVD contents

DVD contents, like book contents are known to contain spoilers, except they contain more puns.

ConTents

ConTents are places that suggestable people go with the intention of grabbing a good bargain but actually end up being conned. Common ConTent occupants include car salesmen, fortune tellers and crap stalls.

See also

• Contents
• Contents
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