Kevin Bloody Wilson
 Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate! |
Kevrend Bloody Wilson is a fuckin' legend in Australia. In fact, he is a true-blue bloody-fair-dinkum Aussie! He's so Australian that when he saw American Pie he couldn't wait to get home and stick his dick into a Four 'n Twenty! Kev' was born in Kalgoorlie (Australia) sometime in the early 1800's. He was raised as a catholic in hopes to become a minister when he was older, but fate would have none of that. Kev met his best friend Nigel Nunga-Nungastein Stewart (another fuckin' legend) on their very first day of school that Kev recalls was a horrific experience, as they where told they where to be introduced to the nuns and Kev thought they meant "none". To his surprise, he shit himself when the nuns showed up dressed like a cross between Darth Vader and the Klu Klux Klan! "But fuck me dead, then to make it worse, they took us kids into the classroom, and the first thing I noticed was a guy nailed to the wall... and thought, FUCK! I better behave meself 'ere!... then I later found out that was the boss' son!"
This set Kev off on a life of behavior and goodness to all mankind. He would go on to become a famous fuck folk singer in a band with his best mate Nigel after quitting a few years as a sparkie (electrician)
The Little Bloke[edit | edit source]
No wait, we just mentioned that in the first bit... better go onto the next bit we reckon... Kev took up an apprenticeship as a sparkie but was not very good at it. He grew tired of asking Nigel to grab certain wires for him to check if it was live or not. He also was sick of the shit they had to do when they where down in ditches, having to step aside and give way whenever someones paperwork would float by. Kev and Nigel decided they would form a band. That they did, and they wrote some classic shit together that went over very well in the church community where they played. Kev soon found himself doing the position full-time, but Nigel was left behind doing what black fellas do best, painting dots on bits of wood and charging a selling it for a fortune to Japanese tourists.
The Big Time[edit | edit source]
When Kev was growing up, his favorite fuck folk music was that of folk and gangster rap. But at the time there was not much folk/rap known in Australia, so Kev figured he would write his own folk/rap songs and become a pioneer, besides, it beat standing around waiting in line at Centrelink with all the other Aboriginals and their work avoidance schemes. Kev would release his first album, "Your Average Australian Rapper" in 1982. The album was a success, well, not so much in the charts, but in the religious community, amongst the religious folk, especially the "Pissed-up-testi-costicles" where Kev would preach the good news every Sunday. Kev then released a few more albums over the years that made him more popular in Australia then a fart in a wetsuit.
Kev would become a famous rapper/folk singer during the 1980s, then joined the Australian "Get Fucked" party of Parliament for a brief time, becoming the vice-prime minister of Australia as leader and instating the ever popular DILLIGAF law for sheep speed dating.
Kev, A fuckin' Legend of a Prime Minister[edit | edit source]
Kev went into politics with another fucking Aussie legend, Rodney Rude, and they became two of the fastest cunts to ever be voted in as Prime Minister and Vice-PM in Australian history. The first thing Kev did when he was elected in was call up Queen Elizabeth in England and told her that now he and Rodney where running the place, that the first thing they're going to do is change Australia to a kingdom. The Queen said, "Kev, But you're not a King". Kev thought about it and followed up prominently with "OK, We're now an Empire then". To which the Queen returned, in gesture, "But you're not an Emperor either". Kev had to have a bit of a think about that one, then proudly said, "Right-e-o, Lizzy. We're making Australia a Principality". The Queen then said, and quote: "But Kevin. You are not a Prince. So I feel the best thing for you to do is to continue to call it a country". Which he did, making it a proud country in fact, that had two top-blokes, actual fuckin' legends, running the joint.
Kev and Rodney served a record breaking 9 years as PM and Vice-PM in the land down unda. Their only reason for losing their final re-election was due to the AFL switching from Four-N-Twenty pies to some shit they where making themselves, and Phil Rudd promised he would bring the Four-n-Twenty back, so Kev and Rodney lost the re-election, which was perfectly fair to them, as Rudd's policy to do just that and hang Julia Morris & Richard Wilkins was too good to compete with.
Nonetheless, Kev and Rodney will always be remembered as legends during their term in office, being the ones that helped Australia by giving every cunt in Australia a slab (24 can box of beer to you Un-Australian fuckers) of Fosters, to help cope with the world wide recession.
So they each went back to what they did best after that.
The Kev Komeback Tour[edit | edit source]
In the mid 90's Kev decided to preach the good word overseas. So he jet-set off to Bali to begin preaching his rap/folk songs. But unfortunately Kev came down with a bad case of the runs and had to call up his mum for advice. She just told him to mix in some Gravox to thicken it up, then pissed herself laughing and hung up the phone. This was a terrible time for Kev, so he tried ringing the operator for help, but she was no help, and Kev ended the call by telling her to "stick that fucking phone, up her fucking arse". Kev never thought he was going to get off that dunny, but by the time it did pass, it was time to move onto a new country, so Bali never got to hear the good word from Kev.
Kev then landed in Switzerland where he knocked up a girl named Olga, and experimented in so much sin of the flesh that it was soon time to go, and that place did not get to hear the good word either. In the valleys of Switzerland Olga's husband took his life on one of those mountins. Most say from a broken heart after he first sang out "Who did me old lady" and the first reply was from Kev who chanted "I did the old lady". that valley still echoes to this day of cunts screaming out, "I did the old lady, too"
Kev then arrived in the UK and this time he got the word across, and became a celebrity with his famous rap and folk lyrics. During this time he also found out why people around the world sound the way they do? But we are unsure what it actually is. Kev just wont tell us what it is and just did a song about people eating pussy and getting pubes stuck in their throats somewhere. I guess Kev will take that secret to the grave?
Kev dominated the audiences of the U.K, Europe, South Africa & Kickacoonalong. When he returned home he was a national hero again. He became the Australian of the year upon his arrival, achieving something that he had wanted to be named since his old school mate Mick won it in 1987. Kev's career in music boomed once more and he reached heights a midget could only dream about. Not to mention Kev gets more pussy then any midget, too... but that's cause midgets are afraid of pussy, as they are scared if they slip up, they may end up back in the womb... but it never stops Kev from bragging about it!
Keveyyyyyyy... Fuckin' Legend[edit | edit source]
Nigel Nungga Nunnga Stein was Kev's new #1 hit song. All about his childhood friend and old band-mate. They would get back together when Kev visited the Crack-a-Tinny tribe in the outback. Together they would write some of the best folk songs ever written. One of those songs was even used during the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games opening ceremony. It escapes us what the name of that song was, but it was received with open arms by the Australian public and Aussie's still flash their bums around doing the dance actions to the song.
Kev's popularity has never diminished, and people of all ages of life still come to hear the good word from Kev. These days Kev is still touring Australia and is expanding his shows by now including a support act from his very own daughter named Jenny "Little" Taylia from Australia. She can preach the good books word just as well as her father, and what a pair of bibles she has to show everyone, too! She has even bred a few bloody mongrels herself! So the future of the Bloody Wilson family preaching the lords work looks like it will be around for a lot more generations to come!
Hit Songs[edit | edit source]
|
Discography[edit | edit source]
|
