Malcolm Young
 Malcolm Young
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| Born | A While Ago |
| Died | November 20, 2017 |
| Genre(s) | Hard Rock, Pub Rock, Bar Rock, Cock Rock, Kickass Rock, Rock N Fuckin' Roll, Highvoltage Rock N Roll, Folk Music |
| Former Bands | AC/DC (1973-2014) Deep Jerkle Velvet Undergarments |
“If he stepped out of the shadows, he'd burn from the sun light.”
“I often wonder how he manages to keep that exposed hole so clean.”
“It's weird when your brother gives a sheila gonorrhea, then she passes it onto you.”
Malcolm Young (1953 - November 20, 2017) was born in a hospital many, many, many years ago after being a bun in the oven to his mother Billy Connolly, just after being the itch in his daddy, Sean Connery's pants, and eventually dropped into the world sometime during the first world war, cradling a bottle of light ale in one hand, and a "my first wee ciggee" in the other. Malcolm was a handsome bouncing baby boy, who was brought up the traditional Scottish Satan worshiping ways in the hills of Loch Lomond where he was the 19th of 103 children born to his parents.
Growing up Malcolm was taught the ways of the land, where he often helped little old ladies get run over crossing the street and would throw rocks at the Loch Ness Monster just for his own personal amusement. Malcolm was 6 years old, and everyone in the land loved him. He spent his time picking magic mushrooms, eating fire flowers to shoot at Goombas, and punching bricks to see if they had any coins in them.
It was a happy time for Malcolm, until his parents announced there would soon be a new edition to the family. And soon enough, Malcolm had a baby brother come into the world by the name of Angus. Being the new born baby, Angus would lap up all of the attention that Malcolm used to get. And this was not sitting well with Malcolm at all. By the time Malcolm was 12 years old, almost none of the family even knew he existed anymore, and Malcolm's rage and hatred for his baby brother grew stronger every day. The jealousy was becoming too much for Malcolm that he took his little brother to the Valley Of Koopa and hoped Angus would fall into the hot lava pits and die. But this just helped Angus enhance his dancing skills.
Sibling Rivalry[edit | edit source]
It was on a cold winters day just after Wheel Of Fortune had ended that a panicked sister, "Toad Young", came running into there home screaming that the princess had been kidnapped by the evil King Koopa and that someone needed to go rescue her. Malcolm saw this as his opportunity to be recognized as someone more then just Angus' older brother. So Malcolm raised his hand and said he would go rescue the princess by himself. But the Young family would hear no such nonsense, and told Malcolm to be player 2 behind Angus.
This just pissed Malcolm off, as he watched his little brother run through the land, collect the coins he should have had, stomp on turtles, dodge flying projectiles and cop a root from the princess after a successful rescue. This just set Malcolm into a rage of jealousy, cause Malcolm was still a virgin, and his younger and underage brother was smuggly walking around behind him still sniffing his fingers. Malcolm tried to escape the rage by moving out of the house and into his own, but soon was back as he could not pay the bills for his mansion he obtained because Angus had collected all the coins around the Kingdom and left no brick un-smashed for Malcolm. Malcolm decided the only way to step out of Angus' shadow, was to destroy his little brother once and for all.
Malcolm went out to sacrifice a goat, though not to please Satan, just cause he wanted something to eat while he thought. Malcolm came up with a cunning plan. He knew that Angus sweats a lot. And for some bizarre reason, a thought popped into his head about Angus being fried live on stage by sweating all over his guitar, and the more people that saw it, the more Malcolm would enjoy it. Malcolm cunningly put together a plan, to form the worlds greatest rock n roll band, and when the crowed attendence was at its highest, and the cameras where rolling, he would have his moment of glory.
Forming AC/DC[edit | edit source]
Mal said to his sister, "I'm gonna put a band together, gimme a name?", his sister at the time was sewing name tags on Angus school uniform and saw a logo that said, "Made In Taiwan" and Mal contemplated the name for a while, but said, "Nah, something better" so she saw on the back it also said AC/DC so she said that and Mal thought to himself, "That sounds good, it has the power I wanna electrocute Angus with, plus, people would probably think he's a poof, or at least swings both ways" so Malcolm decided the band would be called AC/DC.
Malcolm asked his brother Angus to jump on a guitar, and he did too, and they got a couple of no talent in-bred's to fill in the other positions. And soon where putting together the elements that where about to become the worlds most electrifying band. They played there first gig in 1973 on new years eve where Malcolm had booked them into a gay club in hopes Angus would be violently molested for looking like a child in his school uniform, but Malcolm left that gig that night with his head down low, also knowing, now was not the time to strike, they needed more witnesses.
The guy they had singing for them was a fag named Dave Evans and Malcolm knew they would get no where with him, and he needed to be replaced, they also needed a decent drummer and probably just needed a bass player to stand there and look pretty to attract a few more girls. So they found a bloke named Bon Scott, who Malcolm thought could really gain them some attention, and draw a huge crowed. It would take a few more years of working on albums and songs, and playing live gigs for AC/DC to start to be recognized as potentially big time players.
After the release of Powerage, Malcolm knew the band was struggling to get to there peak, so he called upon the dog from Whacky Races, Mutley to come produce there next album to make it commercially big enough for them to attract world wide audience attention. Mutley did in fact do that for them, as their next 3 chords only album, Highway To Hell sent them to the top, and AC/DC where no longer selling out small venues, but huge stadiums, Malcolm could feel the gleam in his eyes, as he knew, the time was coming, that one huge show the audience would be watching was coming very very soon.
Malcolm had decided the time to strike was now, and that the band would take a small break during February 1980 so Malcolm could boobie trap the stage for Angus' demise. Unfortunately, before the next show. Bon Scott would tragically die, and the plan had to be cut short. Malcolm didn't know if AC/DC would play a gig again, and if his plan to destroy his little brother once and for all was ever going to happen.
Can't Keep A Young guy Down[edit | edit source]
After the funeral of Bon Scott, Bon's parents told Angus and Malcolm that Bon would have wanted them to keep going. And Malcolm couldn't wait to get back on the road, knowing now that the next album they did would be even bigger then Highway To Hell, which meant even bigger audiences, and his little brother would explode in front of 100's and 1000's of people. They put an ad in the local paper for a new singer, and the first guy that walked in off the street was there new singer, his name was Brian Johnson. And they went off to record Back In Black. The album was doing alright, but Mal wanted more attention for it, so he hung off, in hopes the next album would be even bigger then big. But by the time Flick Of The Switch came around, Mal realized he'd left it too late. And cracked a hissy fit, and punched out drummer Phil Rudd and told him to fuck off from the band. Mal started drinking heavily, and has not stopped since. Which is a good thing for AC/DC fans, as he spends his life inebriated now and didn't realize they set the world record for attendance back in 1991 in Moscow.
As long as Malcolm keeps drowning the juice, he will not remember his purpose for starting AC/DC, and wanting to destroy his baby brother. But only time will tell, as a liver can only take so much punishment.
Dementia and departure from AC/DC[edit | edit source]
Malcolm was forced to leave AC/DC due to early-onset dementia. In fact, he had forgotten how to play the bloody songs. He was replaced by nephew Stevie Young. Unfortunately, more departures would soon follow.
Brian Johnson, who had been playing loud rock 'n' roll with AC/DC for 36 years, had to quit touring or risk going deaf. Ironically, it was forgetting his earplugs to watch racing, not loud music, that caused his hearing loss. He was, inexplicably replaced by Axl Rose, who had also reunited with the original Guns N Roses lineup, even though he and Slash used to hate each other.
Cliff Williams, realizing Axl, great as he is in Guns N Roses, was a horrible fit for AC/DC, "retired" from the band after 40 years.
This makes Angus the only original member still in the band. Unless Dave Evans ever wants to come back.
Death[edit | edit source]
Malcolm Young died November 20, 2017 at the age of 64.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“He's the backbone of AC/DC's sound, there would be no regurgitating encore without him.”
“Ya know the difference between me and AC/DC, they leave a ring in your ear, and I leave your ear in the ring!”