Literally Satan Media, LLC.
 | |
| Type | Satanic |
|---|---|
| Founded | 666 |
| Founder(s) | Literally Satan |
| Headquarters | Hell, Michigan |
| Key people | Lucifer, Asmodeus |
| Industry | Mass media, world domination |
| Revenue | $666,666,666,666,666,666 |
Hi there. Here at Literally Satan Media, LLC., we're dedicated to buying up as many recognizable Internet brands as possible and selling them to stockholders. If you happen to be a member of the general public, please leave this page. It's not for you. If you're a stockholder, however, please stay. Our formula is simple: Get other people to do the work, then make those F A T S T A C K S. You'll make those F A T S T A C K S, we'll make those F A T S T A C K S, and the people who curate and create our content won't get anything except recognition and a vague sense of accomplishment – and in some cases, they might not even get that!
What do we do?[edit | edit source]
Here at Literally Satan Media, we buy up anything we can get our grubby little paws on, and the only way you'd know if a given brand is owned by us is by a tiny little section on the bottom next to legal advice and FAQs and all that other stuff nobody ever reads. If you accidentally clicked on that and ended up here, please go back to wherever you came from. Our business model depends on people not being made aware of our existence. Except the Stockholders. This page is NOT a sales pitch for our users, many of whom don't know they're our users. This page is ONLY a sales pitch for our stockholders.
Statistics:
- 50 million users
- 3 users who know about us
- 1 user who objects to our existence
- 0 users who have made serious complaints
- 50 ex-users who did make serious complaints
- 25 Besa Mafia Hitmen who gave us a 5-star review on Yelp
So, stockholders. How are we doing today? That's nice. You're well versed in all kinds of financial mechanisms, from Roth IRAs to hedge funds, and you may be wondering, "Why should I invest in memes when I could invest in fracking?" Great question. Answer: Memes make way more money than you might believe.
The meme economy is real! Below are the brands we currently own; we plan on buying up at least five more before we initiate stage 2: Full Internet Domination and release Memezilla.
Our brands[edit | edit source]
Fricked[edit | edit source]
Perhaps our most well-known site, Fricked was a high-quality independent humor magazine until 2005, when we paid them off and turned it into a website full of clickbait and listicles. Frequented by 5,000+ macchiato-sipping hipsters worldwide, many of whom believe that what's posted there is actually funny, or actually informative, or possibly both, Fricked is dedicated to giving the reader endless lists of random facts peppered with mildly funny analogies or poorly researched conclusions. It doesn't matter, Fricked isn't an actual publication, nor are the people who work there actual journalists. Heck, most of them are picked at random using a device known as a dart board. We don't even pay most of them, which means you and we can make all the more bank. We don't even meet most of them in person – give an average hipster an e-mail and a paycheck of five bucks a week, and he'll be ready to go!
Fricked is essentially a more corrupt, less funny version of The Onion posing as some sort of random creativity machine. Everyone who's worked there can tell you that working there is one of the least fulfilling jobs a person can have – and it's been in a continuous downward spiral for the past decade, clutching at any factoid and scraping around on every single gaming forum to dig up the most obscure and irrelevant arcane knowledge. If you like lists that are kind of sort of funny to your cousin Jeff, then Fricked is the place for you!
I Can Hav Hamm Burger?[edit | edit source]
Our most deceptive site when it comes to passing as an independent establishment, I Can Hav Hamm Burger? takes its name from a hilarious cat meme where a cat is making a funny face. from the name alone, you might not recognize the site – but when you're there, you'll know it. I Can Hav Hamm Burger? probably wouldn't exist if it weren't for the loophole that all tweets are in the public domain. Our staff of "content creators" scour every social media site and screencap the best of the best – and by best, we mean animal pictures.
With more than fifty identical pages, all of which are themed around a slightly different topic, I Can Hav Hamm Burger? will keep the average Internet user scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through all those plagiarized tweets and memes for hours on end.
Know some of the memes[edit | edit source]
Another of our grand-slam MVP sites, Know Some Of The Memes consists of a passionate group of people trying to archive some of the memes. Not all of them, as we're not willing to shell out for adequate server space, but enough to maintain the illusion that it's a reliable and extensive meme catalog, and a cornerstone of meme culture. From your first visit, you might catch the drift that something is off by the giant annoying screen we set on you if you dare to install an ad blocker.
Be warned, though! If you're the creator of a meme, you're not allowed to post your meme here. That is simply not allowed – unless you're famous, of course. Any meme posted here must have at least 50,000 fans, or we won't consider it notable. We'll send an endless cascade of accounts on you, all of whom claim that you're trying to force a meme. Our crack team of Moderators and Admins will not stand for any forced memes. We'll stand for Pickle Rick, Spongebob, My Little Pony, and Slender Man – but no forced memes. We take no risks! Here at Know Some Of The Memes, we're meme purists, and we believe that memes should grow organically over eternal stretches of time, or grow rapidly with money. If your meme isn't viral, and you write an article on it, trying to get it recognition – GOD FORBID – we will delete your account, we will delete your article, we will delete your forum posts, we will delete all traces of your existence on the site and replace them with funny 404 pages featuring goofy scientists. We're quirky like that.
E-Bum's World[edit | edit source]
Everyone knows E-Bum's World! That is, they did know it. Nowadays, most people assume it's dead, but if you happen to look it up out of morbid curiosity, get ready for a conglomerate-fueled nostalgia trip. Literally Satan Media, LLC. has gone to great lengths to ensure that this 2007 time capsule is preserved for as long as possible because it has a recognizable name, and we can milk that. Unlike with Know Some Of The Memes, small meme creators are allowed to post their memes here – but rest assured, the rules here are just as strict and unless you're willing to waste an hour reading the terms of service, you'd probably be better off clicking around and consuming the subpar content rather than creating the subpar content yourself. Get ready for an authoritarian meme experience!
We actually pay you to create memes! That's right, we pay you $5 if people like your memes. Of course, to get that $5, you've gotta accrue at least 1,000,000 likes on your memes. Better hop to it, you subservient monkey. What do you think we're paying you for? Just don't break any of the rules, or we'll ban you before you earn anything. Better be grateful. We could pay you nothing.
E-Bum's World isn't very different from all the other brands we own, but people still believe it's the same as it was back in 2007, which of course is impossible, because we own it now and it probably was never as good as you remember anyway. Prepare yourself for an onslaught of people trying to get your attention in a futile quest for fame. Far less regulated than Fricked and more chaotic than Know Some Of The Memes, E-Bum's World is a great way to forget your problems, drop into nihilism, or hear the N-Word every seven seconds.
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- Official website (Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.)