Elizabeth Weir

Elizabeth Weir shows off her burger eating abilities.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir is was is was is is the replicated, multi-duplicated leader of the Atlantis Expedition on the quasi-fictional show Stargate Atlantis, which involves a multinational team of explorers searching for terrorists, oil, or weapons of mass destruction. Once blonde, she has since dyed her hair red, the resulting trauma of which aged her 19.7 years. During the show, she suffers from 'Stargate Clone Syndrome', of which there is no known cure. She is currently floating in space contemplating ways to die again.

Controversy

Despite her expert guidance, she and the Atlantis crew have been criticized for losing a team member to Wraith!crack, posing for pictures with Osama Bin Laden, borderline obsessive hunting for giant batteries known colloquially as Zero Point Modules (which unfortunately won't fit in standard smoke detectors), and insisting upon waging war on an intergalactic angsty goth gang calling themselves "The Wraith".

This infamous scene, after her resurrection, had fans saying 'PRAISE THE LORD, she's alive!' or 'Damn, that jacket is HOT!'

In Season 33, Weir approved the conversion of a captive Wraith into a Mormon Elder via the use of a suppository-deployed retrovirus, which was developed by a Scottish pediatrician and his sheep. However, he was still angsty, so Dr. Weir had him committed to an insane asylum known as a "Hive Ship".

When it was revealed that Colonel What's-His-Name (or Caldwell, he goes by that sometimes, too) was carrying a Goa'uld love child, Dr. Weir made an example of him by giving him something called a "Shol'va Handpuppet". Caldwell subsequently lost his giant intergalactic spaceship in a bet to the Asgard Dr. Thor.

While the inhabitants of Atlantis believe themselves to be in another galaxy, the island city itself was actually constructed by auto-factory workers from Detroit and placed in the middle of lake Huron. The other planets they visit look suspiciously like parts of Canada, with many rocks and trees, and sometimes water; but it can't possibly be Canada, because that's where SG-1 does most of their exploring. It is suspected, however, that these planets were terraformed millennia ago by Canadian Ancients, who also brought with them the Arrogant Worms, who promptly ascended and renamed their band "The Ori." However, this is widely disputed. It is also rumored that at least one of the addresses that the Atlantis gate can dial leads directly to Delaware.

Obsession

Weir has been completely obsessed with Atlantis ever since her first arrival there. Even aliens think that her obsession borders on insanity (as indicated by her brief but unsuccessful incarceration by aliens in a mental hospital). The one time that she was evicted from the city (by Canadian Ancients), she stopped bathing entirely. After her triumphant return to Atlantis, Weir was so happy that she creamed her pants.

Weir's fans are as obsessed with Weir as Weir is obsessed with Atlantis. After her second death and resurrection (this time with super powers!), hundreds of Weir's fans achieved a state of erotic bliss as they visualized Weir in the shower.

Facts

Elizabeth Weir after her third, highly successful, reconstruction.

• Dr. Elizabeth Weir is known to occasionally dress as a mad scientist, insist that she is named "Dr. Weird," and address any random underling as "gentlemen," at which point she will make wild claims regarding tacos.

• Weir always wears red, and yet she has only died three times. Weir owns more red outfits than Red Riding Hood. She switched to a jacket (which still has red) after her second resurrection.

• Never smiles, unless she is high on Pegasus Luvin' Herb.

• Weir is portrayed by actress and well known Communist Cylon Torri Higginson.

• Has the record Index 20 on the Burger Index.

• Dr. Weir has been linked romantically with the following persons:
  • Everyone on the Atlantis base,
  • MacGyver,
  • Zombie Jesus,
  • Daniel Jackson, while he was also linked romantically with Morgan le Fay,
  • That one Asian-looking Wraith,
  • That gross Wraith with the blood coming out of it's mouth,
  • Just about every Wraith in existance, ever, including Wraith the Rabbit.

Now which one is which?

• When she is not in Atlantis, Dr. Weir enjoys monkey curling, extreme naked skeet-shooting, and Zero-Point fueled adult toys.

• Squints her eyes way too damn much. For the love of God please stop squinting!!

• Weir was turned into a Replicator after Rodney McKay turned the Atlantis' coffee into decaf. She has greatly enjoyed punching people in the forehead ever since.

• Dr. Weir is presumed dead after she accidentally breaks her fragile neck during a nude wrestling match with Major Charles Emerson Winchester III.

• Weir returns in clone form to reveal that she secretly created more suicidal clones of herself than Ba'al, some of which survive as long as 0.42 episodes.

• During her time on Earth, she participated in a number of Michael Jackson look-alike contests.

Stargate