If you actually think that suicide is a joke, then you are wrong. Stop reading this article, and look up the Suicide crisis hotline. You have been warned.
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Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard"; also called harakiri, self-destruction, or Jihad) is painless. It brings on many changes. It was originally practiced in order to kill enemies from beyond the grave, until it was discovered by Osama Bin Laden that suicide can also be used to cure severe toothache.
Suicide is an important medical treatment for depression, and only somewhat less costly than a permanent coma. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee. The General Accounting Office estimates that suicide has successfully lowered the unemployment rate by 0.4% over the past five years, making it nearly three times more effective than infant sacrifice to the Infallible Supreme Gods of Venture Capital. Suicide has also been recognized by the FDA as a second-stage treatment for cancer, AIDS, and fibromyalgia, and off-label uses include therapy for blue balls and smoking cessation.
Suicide is also a good treatment of medicalness for dumbasses, and an important industrial process in the pharmaceutical industry, providing Living Human Tissue for nutritional supplements and cyborgs. The DEA enforces restrictions on production, notably organ transplant, as it would cure terminal patients, causing them to avoid suicide and drying up supply. Suicide also is great for organ donors since they won't need them and someone else can use them.
Suicide videos are collected regularly on NothingToxic, arguably the favorite website of Pedobears. Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they commit suicide, due to laziness from American obesity. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Hebrew that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Hebrew, much less memorize stuff out of the Torah, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, Northern Virginia, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $4.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area. In Soviet Russia gun shoots you, making "accidental" suicide happen often, so no one is ever charged with it.
Let’s face it, there are many dignified ways to kill oneself, including flying a hijacked plane into a really big skyscraper. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...
- Hanging oneself. Well, you look like an idiot and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you can crap yourself which makes you smell even better.
- Shooting oneself. You'll probably ruin your good shirt and get your blood and brain matter all over the wall; who do you think has to clean that up?
- Overdosing. The Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died.
- Raped By A Large Herbivore. You get ass rammed by a ram and everyone laughs at you during, the cops won't help you because you're getting fucked in the ass and they're laughing too hard. Eventually you get crushed to death or drown in the semen, this is also the Gayest way you can die.
- Throw yourself off a skyscraper. You just might actually live, but 109% of the time, you end up dead. Besides, you might end up killing someone down there.
- Slicing your entire body parts into a blender. WILL IT BLEND?
- Jumping to a pit full of spikes and zombies. Trust me, you'll be losing a few body parts, including your nuts.
- Dishonoring Chuck Norris. Again, the most painful way to die, and you will be the most hated person on earth and people will fuck your corpse.
- Getting that wimpy Chuck Norris in the groin, like I do every day.
- Shoving a double-edged serrated dagger up your ass.
- Bullying the quiet white emo kid at school. This is perhaps the longest method, as it may take several months for positive results.
Neat facts about suicide
- If you do it right, you'll get a bunch of virgins!
- If you commit suicide backwards, you can hear a message from the devil.
- Suicide is illegal in three out of twelve universes.
- Suicide is the leading cause of self-inflicted death in America according to Captain Obvious and his Bitch friends.
- Three million people an hour commit suicide in America. (Well, wouldn't you?)
- Suicide was invented by Ziggy Stardust in an attempt to exorcise the demon David Bowie from his body.
- You should just kill yourself, it's fun.
- If you do commit suicide, you'll never get to have sex with a live girl but you will get to fuck some hot demon whores/zombie hookers.
- Suicide is apparently the ultimate solution to life and other problems.
- Attempting suicide can make people worried about you [no really! they actually care!? psyche]
- Suicide, it's a suicide (biddy by by) Suicide, it's a suicide! also by Captain Obvious and his Sexy friends
- Because suicide can be painless. It brings on many changes. And you can take or leave it as you please. Bitch ass mother fucker!
- WARNING! Please note you MUST do it properly first time; Failure at being a failure is not acceptable.
- Many IB students would love to commit suicide but they're far too busy doing homework and studying for their exams.
- Suicide may be fatal if correctly attempted
- Once you commit suicide one way, you cannot try the others
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