Carbon monoxide poisoning
“I'm not interested in this topic.”
“Man, what the fuck you know bout carbon monoxide poisoning, if it weren't for this media obsessed culture, nothing. I've seen men die in the cold grave of Vietnam choking on jeep fumes, left to rot by their company behind a military caravan. You talk about CO, make sure you have your facts straight, fucker!”
The Uncyclopedia Group of Health (UGH) is urging the public to avoid carbon monoxide exposure by taking precautions with gas-powered appliances including, but not limited to, gas-powered vibrators. Carbon monoxide is an invisible, odorless, tasteless, pathetic pussy-ass gas and is highly poisonous to children 3 and up. Depending on the level of exposure, carbon monoxide may cause fatigue, muscle spasms, chest pains for those with pacemakers, shortness of breath upon dying of carbon monoxide poisoning, vomiting, shitting blood, headaches, confusion (switch out at the next available opportunity), lack of interesting stories, impaired decision-making, loss of life, and in severe cases, fatigue.
Major Sources of Carbon Monoxide[edit | edit source]
Carbon monoxide is produced as a result of not fully producing the intended effect of fuels such as gasoline, diesel, and cooking oil. It can also be produced by generators and chewing tobacco. Problems can arise from improper placement and maintenance of CO-generating devices. This is not a good thing. Improperly designed or malfunctioning exhaust systems for permanently installed large hadron colliders may cause an increase in carbon monoxide levels. Charcoal grills are major sources of CO and should never be operated inside a closed garage or in a plastic bag with your head inside.
To further prevent CO poisoning do not use charcoal grills to heat your home; use propane grills. Do not burn charcoal inside your lawnmower, ant farm, or baby's gaping mouth, and never leave a car engine running in a shed or garage, even if you think it'd be funny.
Carbon Monoxide Alarms[edit | edit source]
Consider installing CO alarms in your apartment or trailer. Monoxotech Alarm Co. recommends the instillation of CO alarms above every appliance, in every wall socket, and on the bottom of all your vehicles. Another two should be kept on you at all times. (See our ad for ankle alarm straps in this week's Consumer Value Magazine). Install these battery-operated CO alarms or plug-in CO alarms with battery backup according to the guidelines presented by the National Association of CO Alarm Technology in accordance with terms and conditions provided by your landlord and/or master. The CO alarm should be certified to the strict requirements of the latest safety consumer standards for CO alarms (UL 2134, IAS 6-B96, CSA 6.82.01, R.I. 420, PSD-Ele, USA Document L5 of The Homeland Protection Front, inc.).
TRY NOT TO FORGET: These alarms can be used as a backup but not as a replacement for proper placement and maintenance of your fuel-burning vibrators or gas powered nipple clamps. Also understand that CO alarms are designed to sound an alert at fairly high levels. The levels at which adverse side effects usually occur in humans will not be picked up by the alarms. Lower level CO exposure below the alarm threshold will still, most likely, kill you.
Oh no, I think I just breathed in a straight whiff of fresh-from-the-can carbon monoxide...[edit | edit source]
Do not be alarmed! If you think you are suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, you should get fresh air immediately. Forget your family and leave the house (they're already lost). Go to an emergency room. Be sure to tell the physician that you suspect CO poisoning. They'll probably laugh at you and tell you not to waste their time. When this happens, try another hospital. Upon receiving no luck at various pharmaceutical organizations, go straight to a nursing home and acquire a breathing machine from one of the tenants. Be sure to first smother them with a pillow so the nurses can't hear them scream, then breathe freely into the device. By this point it will have been too late, however.
Don't ignore the symptoms, even if someone who's opinion doesn't matter is feeling them. In cases of severe CO poisoning, call 911 emergency services (get that credit card ready) or the Monoxotech Information Center at 1-800-SUCK-AIR (get that credit card ready).
Suicide[edit | edit source]
For some, however, the idea of carbon monoxide poisoning is extremely appealing. To successfully pull off a carbon monoxide poisoning, several items are needed:
- a rubber hose
- panty hose
- a family sedan
- paintings of your children in sexually suggestive poses
- nylon stockings
- a mix tape of your favorite songs about carbon monoxide
- duct tape
- twelve inches of yellow string, exactly
When these items are obtained, take them to your local auto shop and say "I want the Delp Special". They'll probably laugh at you and tell you not to waste their time. Smother them with a pillow, it doesn't matter now. You can't be made fun of like that. Use their lift to hook the hose up from exhaust to slightly cracked window. Say something poetic about life. Step inside your car (fitted with Monoxotech Co. Quality Alarms) and feel the sweet, sweet freedom of death, CO style. "Now that's the way to go! ®"
Pregnancy[edit | edit source]
My wife said she had that black baby because of carbon monoxide fumes. So yeah, watch out for that.