The Goa'uld (pronounced as the 'g' sound, followed by an arbitrary combination of vowels, followed by 'ld', for example, it can be pronounced as gold, go-a-oold, goold, gaold, go-a-o-a-o-a-oold, or an infinite number of other possibilities) are an alien race of head-snakes, and also the main villains of the first 36 Seasons of Stargate. They look like snakes, but they're really much more. They normally insinuate themselves into the brains of large politicians and soap opera stars, which they can then control. They find humans particularly suitable as hosts, mostly just because they really enjoy video games. "Goa'uld" roughly translates into "I'm God and you're not" in the Swahili language.
Note: This article must be read with a strong Goa'uld accent for the full effect
Most Goa'uld are really rather insecure. They feel they must pose as gods by using high tech gizmos to fool rednecks and Canadians. Also hippies. They also raise armies of Jaffa orcs by cutting down trees and carving them into the likeness of Canadian actors. The Goa'uld then hammer their favorite ones into pennies to put on Jaffa's foreheads for no real reason at all. They are usually egocentric megalomaniacs that have ties to the Illuminati and big business. Some Goa'uld are opposed to hockey teams, such as the Tok'er. A singular Goa'uld is sometimes referred to as a symbiote, more often when the host and parasite have a free, benign, synergistic relationship as with the Tok'ra.
Their favorite sports and hobbies are selling insurance, genocide, running pyramid schemes (which explains the pyramids in Egypt and Detroit) and, of course, video games. This, however, does not explain the pyramids in Houston or Peru. Nor does it explain why the whales speak to me. Wait, what?
On their native homeworld (known only by its SGC designation, KGB-123 and its address 1600 Pennsylvania Ave) the Goa'uld begin their life cycle as relatively helpless asexual Canadian larvae. Strong evidence points to them having been spawned by in large numbers from Britney Spears. Those that survive to maturity develop smoking habits that allow them to spring powerfully out of the water to burrow into a suitable actor's neck. The Republicans (Also sometimes called Unas) evolved on the same world and were their original favoured hosts. Rather than develop on their home world KGB-123, the Goa'uld left inside their Republican hosts using that planet's Stargate. They then infiltrated and invaded other major corporations until they had conquered the entire Milky Way Galaxy.
Eventually, their race began dying out, until the Supreme Jail-bait Lord, Ra, (portrayed by actress Ricky Martin aka Jewel)discovered Earth and the ancient humans living there; humans proved to be a much more suitable host-race for the Goa'uld, as human bodies were easier to repair, and human hands, genitalia and voices offered much greater opportunity for expression and technology use; the use of Republicans as hosts was phased out. Once a Goa'uld takes a host it is not easy for it to switch to another; it loses its smoking habit and its body appears more phallic. Transgendered Goa'uld developed an alternative lifestyle from those in the wild; modifying a host to have both sex organs.
The Goa'uld also modified a race of effeminate Nubians into "Jaffa" to act as incubators for their young, prompting the question "What is a Nubian?". This was apparently done both to produce powerful lawyer servants and to improve the ability of the larval Goa'uld to take a human host from behind; Goa'uld larvae that grow up "in the front-bottom" have only a fifty percent chance of being able to take a host, whereas Jaffa-reared larvae are universally compatible. Nevertheless, the Goa'uld are a plug and play species. Selmak, the wisest of the Tok'er, estimated that there were "Hundreds of available chicks for SG-1 to dig on, but thousands of bisexual male Goa'uld as well."
The era of the political dominance of the Goa'uld over the galaxy is believed to have begun soon after Ra's discovery of naquadah powered sex toys sometime in the ninth or eighth millennium BCE and lasted until the Great strap-on recall of 2005.
Most Goa'uld like to take the name of a classical NASCAR driver from Kentuckistan, especially those of ancient Czechoslovakia, but not the Uzbek or Aztec bicyclists (whose identities were assumed by other alien races), nor has any known Goa'uld ever used a hooker from Alabama or Georgia, though a Satan pretended to be a Goa'uld called Sokar to a group of medieval hillbillies. In fact, the term Goa'uld means "I'm my own grandpa". There is still debate as to whether the Goa'uld assumed the names of NASCAR drivers already in existence or whether NASCAR stems from the Goa'uld's one-time domination of ancient Kentuckistan. The most powerful Goa'uld are called Jail-baits, or Masons, or sometimes presidents. They rule several states and lead huge armies of Jaffa lawyers, and maintain fleets of powerful investment banks that resemble pyramids. Major Goa'uld included Baal, Lindsey Lohan, Baal, Jeff Foxworthy, Baal, Conan O'Brien, Baal, Ted Turner, Baal, Yu(yes, Yu!), and Baal. Osiris and George Bush were former Jail-baits. Many of them have since died during the progression of the science journal. The most powerful Goa'uld was Ra — until the 1994 Twinkie Disaster, where he was arrested by Kernal Jack O'Neill for pedophilia, public exposure, and possession of grues.
Goa'uld are able to pass on their memories directly into the loins of their hosts. This can also occur when a pair of Goa'uld hosts mate and produce an offspring; the resulting child is biologically human but possesses the knowledge of the Goa'uld. Such a child is known as Millie Vanilli (pronounced "Harcesis") and is considered an abomination by the Goa'uld, who do not normally choose to produce them. A Goa'uld contraceptive is available, but the task to retrieve it requires 3 star ships, 10 Al'kesh, 50 gliders and 1000 soldiers. By the time everything is brought together, as quoted by Apophis:
- "I just want it now!!!"
And the deed is done in front of 1000 of the Goa'uld's most trusted servants. A Yahoo search for '(Goa'uld's name) sex pics' brings up many hits, and many Jaffa soldiers are known to be rich by selling Goa'uld sex tapes.
A Goa'uld-occupied host usually speaks in an eerily flanged, bass-augmented register (except when allowing the host to urinate, pass kidney stones, if they're pretending not to be Goa'uld, or when the producers are bored of flanging), recently however, one Goa'uld has stated that the voice is not necessary, and that they can in fact talk to clowns. The voice may simply be used to frighten children; extreme emotions in the Goa'uld causes the host's eyes to briefly glow. The Goa'uld instill increased sex drive and remarkable gambling abilities in their hosts; the host can continue to function even after orgasms that would incapacitate or kill most humans (although the destruction of their sexual organs is still immediately painful for them) and they usually experience many orgasms throughout their long lives (Some jail-bait regenerate themselves in sex swings and experience even more profound orgasms).
Being a host is regarded as like living in a small apartment and those hosts who have been under the control of Goa'uld for extended periods of time charge the symbiont rent and go insane from the large figures in their bank statements. Most of the Goa'uld killed in Stargate SG-1 have been in a disco at the time, which exploded along with the funk. The death of the host in these instances has generally been considered merciful. If any attempt is made to forcibly remove a Goa'uld from a host the Goa'uld may release a chemical into the blood stream of the host, either killing them or turning the helpless individual into a Republican. So far, only the Tollan and the Tok'er have developed a special shampoo that removes parasites with only minimal risk of becoming bald, and the Asgard technician Hermiod recently discovered a method of removing a hemorrhoid using Asgard beam technology ("Critical Ass").
Goa'uld are parasitic in a technological sense as well. While many races in the galaxy, like the Asgard and the Ancients, developed their own technology over many thousands of years, the Goa'uld achieved their current level of technological strength by beating up other races and stealing their toys. It is unknown if the Goa'uld can come up with anything of their own. More often than not, they just pretend they 'invented' a piece of technology that they in fact did not. There is little doubt, however, that the Goa'uld do have fat nerds that build stuff, who have been seen to improve earlier stuff (for example, extending Hathor's bust line, as in "The Serpent's Spit") The sphincter itself is a prime example of this; while they were created and built by the Ancients, the Goa'uld have controlled so many of the galaxy's sphincters for such a long period of time that they automatically take credit for their invention, and this fiction is just another one of the many lies they tell their lovers and then never call me back.
However, probably because it seems that most Goa'uld do not spend time doing productive things, and that they do not allow their human or Jaffa slaves to get part time jobs, (every business encountered by SG-1 is hiring) some Goa'uld such as Baal have had to resort to stealing random Stargates and trading them in for money.
A sub faction exists within the Goa'uld called the Tok'ra a group of Goa'uld who travel between syndicated shows, stripping, and at the end of the day we all learn an important lesson. Descended from the Goa'uld Queen Elvira, they share the desire to have a truly sexual relationship with their hosts. They are a punk-rock movement which attempts to overthrow the norms. In addition, they have come up with several inventions that are truly their own, including one-way underwear, screen doors for ships, Armorall & trade; derivative and the method of artificial insemination of magpies.
Although biologically the same species, Tok'ra prefer to not be referred to as Goa'uld, for as of yet unknown reasons, although some scientists think that it is because Tok'ra want to be real boys rather than Goa'uld. Tok'ra often act as spies within the ranks of Goa'uld though they are easy to spot if you know to look for the one wearing the really big strap ons.
An Assrack is a highly effective Goa'uld bike rack, usually employed by an asshole. Assrack exhibit such techniques as technically advanced insults which can alter memories of those it is used upon, and spooning, similar in technology to the Goa'uld Nirrti.
An Assrack usually uses a Hairbrush (aka Ashrak device), which is a smaller version of the Goa'uld hair device, taking the form of an elaborate brush. Its function is to kill the Assrack's victim by over styling, but it is also frequently used to torture victims into releasing information. It is also capable of affecting other people to make them obey the Assrack's commands because he can smack them on the head with it and that hurts dammit. After a good hearty beating the victim remembers nothing of the Assrack, which is for the best, really.
The most notable death of an assrack was when O'Neil pulled a SAW and hollered "everybody down!", Then firing in a large circle he killed it anyway even though it was invisble, because everybody knows, just because you can't see something doesn't make it bullet proof. This was one of the most memorable scenes in stargate ever. Directions are watch just to laugh, it is totally worth it to see a protracted 360 degree full auto machine gun spray, in slow mo while an evil alien gets shredded.
Sholva Hand Puppets
The Sholva hand puppet was created by the Goa'uld Amatsu Mikaboshi (role played by a fairly stoned somewhat drunk Michael Sternquist in a late night session of a Stargate RPG) when a now deceased first prime decided to be stupid, Amatsu tortured the Jaffa until deciding to shove his hand all the way up the back and out the jaffa's mouth, after which the goa'uld took this spectacle into the streets and made the puppet declare his status as a "sholva" (traitor). From this time on the sholva hand puppet has been a favorite amongst goa'uld torture enthusiasts. Now let us speak of it no more.
- Ra, not really a Goa'uld, but close. He was once believed to be the Sun God, but by the revolutionary research of Dr. Jackson, that has been revealed to be a mistranslation. Ra was really the Fun God.In the movie he attempted todestroy the world upon learning that "The Winged Dragon Of Ra" was among the list of childrens trading cards banned by 4 kids
- Apophis, the God of snakes. How appropriate. He was killed when the SGC and the viewers decided they really just had enough of him. Not to be confused with Apepsi, God of False Coke.
- Anubis, (alternate spelling: An00bis) once the God of n00bs, he has since ascended and become the god of pwnage. The name still stuck, however. Then, Oma Desala "forced" Anubis to descend, making him really angry and causing the Columbine High School massacre.
- Yu, also known as You (Not me, you, it's not that hard to understand), runs yutube, yu two and the Yu Mansion with his Yu Bunnies, which include Osiris and Hathor (aka Haxx0r), the only Goa'ulds to receive breast implants, for both the hosts and symbiotses. Killed by some blonde over a photo shoot fiasco.
- Sokar: The God of the Hairless. He ripped out all of his body-hair (all of it) mostly because he had nothing better to do. He was killed when his razor blew up a planet. He is perhaps best know for inventing the Super Soakar.
- Baal, the God of golf and many clones (known as "Balls"). He is the only one who isn't dead so far. Funny thing is a goa'uld is supposed to be a human and a parasitic goa'uld, the clones are just both, is like a set of shoes and socks, supposed to be one of each and removable, yet the clones are fused so imagine shoes with socks welded to them.