Flirting
“I’m a flirt.”
“I was flirting with this dude once, but when I took him home, turned he was a fucking SHE.”
“Mastered the art of chasing the skirt, I have”
“Was M*A*S*H about flirting?”
“There was this one time, when I thought my waitress at Denny’s was flirting with me, but she wasn’t. So I killed her and dumped her body off I‑95 to hide the awkwardness.”
Flirting is the natural human and dolphin means of attracting a sexual partner. There are many differences between male and female methods of flirting. Flirting methods differ between ages and IQ levels. For example a man with an IQ of 50 is more likely to get a mating partner than a man with 120. As we all know:
- (Woman equals Muscles minus IQ)
Males[edit | edit source]
Men like to think they are geniuses in the art of flirting. The sad news is, most are not. There are various levels of the Male Mastery of Flirting. These Include:
- Novice (Frank Sinatra, Bob Saget)
- Padawan (Obi Wan Kenobi, The Devil)
- Knight Of The Flirt (Lee Harding, Ashton Kutcher)
- Master Of The Flirt (Yoda, Optimus Prime)
- Sith Lord Of The Flirt, these people use the dark art of flirting, known as "good looks". (Arnold Schwarzenegger, (Bill Gates, Chuck Norris)
- Jedi Of The Flirt: These people use the light side of The Flirt to seduce women, their methods including humour, wit and snappy dressing (nobody so far except Keanu Reeves, the latter being gay).
Once the level of master is achieved, it is entirely possible to attract a woman using a simple wink or, as preferred by Yoda, nod of the head. A novice flirter may try to use strange voices or interesting ties to attract a woman, neither of those work, that was Franks problem. A padawan can be trained by a knight or master (but not a Jedi, as humor, wit and snappy dressing cannot be taught) to reach a higher mastery of the flirt. This training can sometimes take a decade to complete, but all men come out better people. Except that is, the Sith Lords, instead of putting in the hard work to attract women, they use their perfect bone structures. Sith lords and Jedi often do battle, sadly the Jedi often lose, as Muscles beat Wit, 98% of the time. The current Sith Lord, Tom Cruise did battle with Jedi James Blunt, sadly James lost, and wrote the song "Tears And Rain" about the incident.
Females[edit | edit source]
It's a little-known fact that women have a hidden gene, called EVIL (Extra Virol Incident Language). They use this evil gene to trick many men into perfoming various medial tasks such as: giving them money, distracting them so they can steal money, and sex. Unlike men, they do not need to learn the skill of flirting, they are born with it.
Disasters that Originated with Flirting[edit | edit source]
- All of Elizabeth Taylor's marriages
- Human Evolution
- Katie Holmes' conversion to the Church of Scientology
- Last Season Of Seinfeld
- Paris Hilton
- Roswell UFO crashing
- Sinking of the RMS Titanic (hypothesized)
- Windows™
- Your birth
Disasters that Forewent Flirting and Went Straight to the Good Stuff[edit | edit source]
- The Baby Boom (WWII soldiers had been waiting a while)
- Britney Spears' 55-hour marriage to Jason Allen Alexander
- Sinking of the RMS Titanic (hypothesized)