Oral Roberts

Roberts is pictured immediately below the title.

Christian televangelist Granville "Oral" Roberts (January 24, 1918 – December 15, 2009), so called because of the elegance of his elocution and his penchant for oral sex, was born of a virgin in the back seat of a Pontiac in Oklahoma, the first of three children. He had a brother named Anal and a sister named Vaginal. His mother was one-quarter Pontiac Indian.

Early days

After graduating mea culpa from high school, he attended a two-year Bible college, where, according to his professors, he did well in Old Testament studies of sin but struggled with the New Testament doctrine of repentance. He graduated nolo contendre from college anyhow. He wed a preacher's daughter named Eve, and they remained locked in holy matrimony until she died 66 years later, her chastity belt still securely in place (unfortunately, on her head). She served him both as his (ahem) "personal assistant" and his "Bible buddy", and during their joint ministry they went from preaching in circus tents – among clowns, elephants, and sideshow freaks – to broadcasting.

He met American Southern Catholic writer Flannery O'Connor, who memorialized him in her short story, "A Hard Man Is Good to Find", and Roberts himself wrote two books during his early days: Miraculous Insemination and his autobiography, Expect a Miracle!

Later years

By 1947 Oral had delivered 1000 demon-possessed sinners, 3000 sermons, and 10,000 babies, sowing his seed across half a dozen continents and exhausting 300 storks in doing so. He was ready for even bigger, bolder things. Founding the Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, he offered such courses in Christian conduct as Praying for the Riches of Religious Fervor, Opening the Treasuries of Heaven, Fundamentals of Tax-free Faith, and The Use of LSD and Peyote to Incite Christian Visions. In 1980 Roberts was visited by a 900-foot-tall Smiling Jesus, who announced that he was "well pleased" with Roberts's faithful works. Then, transforming himself into a 648-foot-tall, triune skyscraper, Jesus said, "Lo, I shall become the City of Faith Medical and Research Center, the largest health facility of my kind in the world and, in me, shall prayer merge with medicine in the healing process." By 1981 the City of Faith was in operation!

In 1989 the City closed its doors and Jesus, having changed His mind, transformed the site into an office building.

Going home?

Two years earlier, in raising funds to build the City of Faith Medical and Research Center, Oral had found it necessary to threaten the faithful. If they weren't willing to be fleeced for his sake, God might decide to "take him home" (to heaven). Although it is rumored that some among the members of Roberts' sheepfold prayed that God might take their minister up on his plea, should he actually make such a request, the majority cast their pearls into Oral's offering plates, hence the expression giving oral. The evangelist soon had accumulated not merely the paltry $8 million he'd demanded by March but $9.1 million! To thank them and to show them, perhaps, that he was invested with the power of God Almighty, storing the divine energy somewhere in the vicinity of his duodenum, Oral raised a child from the dead, making sure that his own son, Richie Rich, witnessed this miraculous feat. Having done so, Richie duly reported the miracle to Time magazine, whose gullible journalists reported the incident under the heading, "Expect a Miracle!"

Prayer cloths

Oral's threat to have God "call him home" was not the only unusual fund-raising method he used during his long and faithful ministry. Another was his famous prayer cloths. Whenever he prayed on behalf of someone (usually himself) Roberts had the foresight to be holding a foot-square section of cloth, reasoning that – since during prayer he would be in God's presence or, even better, be one with God – each cloth was from God, or at least filled with the power of God. As such, he could sell the cloths as a means of making sure that his paying customers made contact with God. Consequently, the faithful could be sure to Expect a Miracle!

Legacy

In 1963 Oral was named "Indian of the Year"; in 1974 he was named "Oklahoman of the Year"; and, it is believed by his faithful followers and his detractors alike, someday a 900-foot-tall or maybe even a mile-high Jesus may name him something else altogether, for eternity. But for now ...