Tim Curry

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“Smashing, simply...smmmmmashing.”
– Tim Curry on himself
Mmmmmm. I'd like to be "frank" with his "furter" any day of the week. Wouldn't you, ladies?

Timothy James "Tim" Curry (born 19 April 1946) is a British actor, best known for his sheer awesomeness and as the blessed savior of the religion Curryanity. In the beginning there was nothing but Tim. Tim then jizzed while viewing his awesome beauty in the mirror, and thus the universe was born. Billions of years later he sent his seed to earth to impregnate a woman, who then birthed the earthly incarnation of the heavenly God, Tim. The two prophets of the true faith Curryanity, are Brandon and Travis. A vision was bestowed upon the prophets to spread the faith and obedience of and to The Mighty Curry. He is best known for playing the highly memorable character Nigel "Smashing" Thornberry in the '90s Nickelodeon cartoon The Wild Thornberrys.

Tim has a strong fondness for cake and other such bakery products. However, despite his camp mannerisms, louche attitude and coterie of close female friends who feel "really safe" with him, he is not actually gay, but in fact as straight as Kevin Spacey.

Film Career[edit]

He absolutely did star in The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Musical ability[edit]

Unknown to most historians, Tim Curry is a well-established flute player. He won the annual cunt blower contest for three years running and was praised for his dexterity and distinctive three-finger hold, producing low moans of unique melody. His abilities as player of the pink oboe have also been praised, and audiences often leave his performances with a happy smile. Along with his flexibility in the flute department, he has also been professionally playing the Kazoo since he was 5 years old. He offered to blow Kevin Spacey's Kazoo once, but he politely declined.

King of Mondas[edit]

Tim Curry came into power on the planet Mondas by marrying the widowed Queen. His rule enacted such laws as the NEW law of gravity which states that European Swallows actually CAN carry coconuts from Africa. His royal guard consisted of just one annoying French guy that was afraid of ducks. While on Mondas, he had a daughter named Sally Curry. Unfortunately, he pissed off a Doctor who specialized in bionic replacement body parts.

Coup D'Etat[edit]

The Doctor he pissed off turned out to be working as an advertiser for Cyberdyne Systems; so, they beat the living shit out of that one inept guard and threw King Curry into the Void (Doctor Who explains it as a gap between dimensions, some races call it hell). Fortunately, his daughter got into the Witness Protection Program and changed her last name to Acorn (Don't ask). She now lives off the grid while Mondas is being "upgraded" to "Mondas.2". Tim Curry escaped into 1973 with the help of Sam Tyler and now is back on Earth getting his life on track.

Television[edit]

In the late 1990s, Curry played Nigel Thornberry on The Wild Thornberrys, an adventurous wildlife documentarian who often rambles in an indiscernible English accent, putting emphasis on the pronunciation of certain words (e.g. "smashing").

Current Status[edit]

He is currently undergoing Ninja Pirate training alongside his now friend, Bruce Campbell, learning under Campbell's father, Hattori Hanzo.

He enjoys the odd game of hopscotch, and is in talks with Jimbo Wales about being the captain of Togo.

Teaching[edit]

He is the founder of "Prepare to Die!", the principal school for arch-enemies located three miles outside Pinewood. Here, prospective supervillains learn how to master clipped British vowels and camply salivate over phrases like "Are you threatening me, master Jedi?". Previous graduates include General Zod, Pinhead, Emperor Palpatine and Tony Blair, although none have yet mastered his wide-mouthed archness and ability to swallow whole sets without chewing.

Etymology[edit]

Curry owns the copyright to the phrase "Mwahh-hah", after three years of litigation from Ernst Stavro Blofeld, although he still has to share credit for the phrase "I'll get you, my pretty..."

Filmography[edit]

  • Genital Hospital (1969) – as Dr. Feelgood
  • The Rocky VII Picture Fight (1975) – as Ham N. Burger
  • Secret – as Mrs. Head
  • Bludgened (1985) – as The Lord Of Disco
  • That (1990) – as "Clown #3"
  • Um Bongo (1996) – as Queen of the Jungle
  • The Wild Thornberries (1998–2004) – as Nigel Thornberry
  • Blendar The Barbarian (2003) – as Blendar
  • Command and Conquer: Red Frankfurt 3 – as Anatoly Cherdenko