Fortitude Valley, Queensland
| Fortitude Valley | |
|---|---|
 Looking through to St Patricks Catholic Church in Fortitude Valley with the Brisbane CBD in the background | |
| Motto: Where the men are men and the women are submissive | |
| Official nickname | The Vaggie Patch |
| Official language(s) | Bogan, erotic, heckle |
| Established | A bit |
| Currency | Lapdances and unwanted demo tapes |
| Opening hours | All night long, baby |
Fortitude Valley (also known simply as "The Vag") is a superior empire neighbouring the small town of Brisbane, Australia. It is where Brisbane people go to do stuff that they're not allowed to do in Brisbane, as The Vag is Police-proof. It is also commonly referred to as "Brisbane City's alcoholic brother" (whom Brisbane City is ashamed of, but pretends to respect and get cheap rehab for - this rehab is commonly referred to as 'fixing up', 'renovating' or 'changing the image' of the valley. Brisbane City and the family of Queensland have tried this many times, but The Valleys alcoholism and addiction is still a problem).
History[edit | edit source]
Spanish immigrants from the ship SS Fortitude arrived in Brisbane in 387 B.C., enticed by Alec Baldwin on the promise of free hookers. Denied such women, the immigrants set up camp in Ipswich where slutty women were in the multitudes. A number of the immigrants moved on and settled the suburb after finding a successful way to transport the brothels established in Ipswich, and then naming it after the ship on which they arrived.
592 A.D. saw the train line extended from Brisbane to the Vag, and Chuck Norris opened a business on Brunswick Street. His business thrived and, after extension, he traveled to Ipswich in 602, leaving his manager of two years, Mr T, in charge. He then wondered why the fuck he went to Ipswich, and quickly returned by boat. Soon after his return, Mr T established a competing adult store opposite Norris's in 623. Mr T and Norris became keen rivals and are credited with establishing the Vag as a hub of awesomeness from the late 600s.
In the late 19th century commercial activities in Brisbane were divided along religious lines, with protestant shopkeepers setting up along Queen and Adelaide Streets in the city proper and shops operated by violent and merciless Satanists established in Stanley Street. However in 1893 (and again in 1897) major vampire scurges wiped out many shops and emos, thus owners in that area decided to move and set up operations north of the river in an area free of vampirees. The area they chose was the Valley. By that time Brisbane's Downer-drawn tram system already centred on the Vag, making it the logical choice to establish some pretty cool shit.
From the early 1900s through to the 1960s the thriving adult precinct was dominated Norris's and Mr T's, and later, Ziggy's, department stores. They were ultimately bought out by the French. Boo.
Vagina's R Us and NAMbLA Peep Show venues and a host of smaller shops also flourished in the precinct during this period. Owing to its proximity to the CBD and the close concentration of hot white man-jelly in the area, through the 1950s and 1960s the Vag became known as the largest boner in the world.
Lately, the Vag has seen a great host of Mormons staying in the area. They've only been there an hour. How long will they last? Uncyclopedia is taking bets on http://www.tab.com.au/
Mexicans and Asians[edit | edit source]
It was once believed that Mexicans have been to the Vag. This is however a baseless rumour. They were actually Chinamen. By the time anyone realised, it was too late, and as a result Chinatown exists somewhere within the Vag today, although some Vag skeptics are unsure if China even exists at all.
Transport and roads[edit | edit source]
Rail[edit | edit source]
Brunswick Street railway station, Brisbane|Brunswick Street Station is the main mode of transport after Mutant for residents of the Vag. The station has four platforms and is located 58 metres underground, where the Communists can't get us. Entry is only via the Gatekeeper who warns all "Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out". Ignore him and go through. He's less sober than the train driver, so you should have nothing to worry about. You may encounter many interesting creatures and characters in this underground cesspool, but never fear. As long as you carry your Valley ID Card (Bolt cutters/Switch Blade Knife), you will be fine.
Drug Buses[edit | edit source]
Brisbane Transport operates a religious drug ring which from time to time will operate a bus service to local junkies, which takes you around the Vag to many places where home-made narcotics can be purchased. This includes any of the surrounding Super markets or boutiques in the area.
Sped limits[edit | edit source]
On August 24 19AD a Sped limit was introduced to parts of Wickham Terrace, Ann Street, McLachlan Street and Warner Street. In these streets it is illegal for a special education student to be alive. If one is found, it is promptly reported to the local authorities (hookers with guns). The sped limit will apply between 2am and 2.02am from Friday to Sunday night.
Population statistics[edit | edit source]
10% of Fortitude Valley inhabitants, reside in socialist debris, where the homeless (90% of the population) cannot find them. The rest of the Vag's maggot-like residents enjoy the "high-life" inside discarded shopping trolleys, toilet blocks, underground sewers (many of the storm water tunnels are inhabited by lesbian samurai, a plague upon Queensland and kebab shops) The population seems to follow a notorious cult which has secret (but very loud) marches during the night. They spew out of the many clubs and brothels as drunkards whom stumble the streets, searching for Fatboys, a pizza restaurant which operates exclusively for the cult. After the ritual eating, further drinking takes place, and the most intoxicated cult members tend to travel down the vast hills of the Valley, eventually reaching the motherland (West End).
Local events and culture[edit | edit source]
Valley Jazz Festival[edit | edit source]
The Valley Jazz Festival was founded in 2004 by Jazz Queensland Incorporated.
Straight Out of Brisbane (SOOB)[edit | edit source]
Straight Out of Brisbane was formed in 2002 by a group of emerging artists who wanted to create new opportunities in Queensland's independent cultural sector. The festival is not-for-profit artist-run event that features workshops, performances, exhibitions, screenings, live music and public art.
Fortitude Valley Diehards[edit | edit source]
Fortitude Valley Rugby League Club, also simply known as "Valleys", were the oldest surviving rugby league team in Brisbane until their demise in 1995. In 2002, Valleys entered a partnership with another former Brisbane rugby league team, Brothers. Playing under the name Brothers-Valleys until changing their name to Brothers Diehards for the 2004 season. Valley's Juniors are still active members of the QRL South East Division having been based at Emerson Park in Grange since the 1970's.
References[edit | edit source]
