Ross Noble

“Hes much funnier than Lee Evans”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ross Noble

The comedy stylings of Ross Noble

Ross Markham Noble (born 5 June 1976) is rumoured to be a particularly funny Geordie, or an English stand-up comedian, known for his randomness in front of everyone and his appearance, which has been likened to every character from Lord of the Rings.

Fond of any Monkey and with long flowing hair like that of Jesus, he is a sure hit with everyone. Well, except for anyone who grew up on Welbury Way, Cramlington, during the 1980s that is, this being where the screeching, unicycle-riding abomination was wont to spread his inimitable brand of pain and misery during his formative years.

For the record, that ridiculous accent he puts on is absolutely false - his real voice being the very paragon of the Queen's English as I recall. I know this because I once heard him speak shortly after his family moved to the area, immediately before hacking my ears off with a shard of rusting metal I found nearby lest he aurally assault me again. The pain, blood loss and tetanus almost killed me, but by God it was worth it in the long run.

Part One

Alright how you doing? Are you all well!! Smashing. Welcome to the show, yaay. I must just warn you about two things before we begin, alright, now, first of all-- oh, who's this? That was awfully cheeky of you madam, sneaking down the isle to get to your seat, trying not to get noticed. Too late really, because now I have noticed you, and so has everyone else. Well done for that. Whats your name by the way? Jo- what? Joanne? Joan. Joan, alright Joan. And what do you do for a living? What? Carry on? I'm trying to. This is how I do my shows. I talk to you, and you talk to me. That's really it for two hours. Oh I must just warn you about that. This show isn't like other shows... so don't expect-- Oh more latecomers.

Latecomers

The humane destruction of a recent Ross Noble performance by the RSPCA

Latecomers often come to the show. Some try to hide themselves, like our friend Joan here. Others just dont give a monkeys. Nah. They just come in and sit down, like this, arms folded... "Make me laugh you Geordie twat." Alright then. I'll give it me best. I've just noticed how close the front row is to the stage here, blimey, its like you've all got broken necks. Wouldn't that be something! If you all came to show before seeking medical help. "MMmyeas, I really should get my wobbly neck checked out, but, well, I have paid for front row seats..." Good on you. If anyone does faint, collapse or maybes even die tonight, could you please do it quietly. We dont want-- what? Eh?

The First Thing

What was the first thing? I'll come to that. You just sit down there. Calm yourself down mate. Whats your name? Dave? Dave. I've got a mate called Dave. What? It's not- It's not you. Yes. Well, I did kinda knew that Dave. "It's not me!" "Dont be silly Dave, of course its you! You're my best friend!" Thats what I like to see. A bit of audience participation. Next I'll hypnotise the lot of you like Derren Brown. He's weird isn't he? Cor, you wouldn't wanna meet him in a dark alleyway, I'll tell ya. Actually, I will tell you something, right... I nearly died in an Alleyway. No, true story, this really happened. I know some of you are saying "You bloody liar", others are still staying "Can you tell us the first thing?" - Dont worry, I'll get back to it. It and the second thing. It's all in my mind, don't panic.

Tangents

I will go off on tangents, so please pay attention. Dont turn your head away for a second, cos by the time you turn back I'll be riding a Donkey blindfolded while Penguins nibble away and my ankles. Not a real Donkey mate! Your eyes lit up when I said that! "Oh wow! Ross is gunna ride a donkey!". Sorry to disappoint you there, mate. Whats your name? Rob. How you doing Rob? Pissed off I suspect. "Grr, I paid good money to see this, and now the Donkey rides have been cancelled... gah!" Ah well, eh? Where was I?

The First Thing

Oh yeah, thats right, the first thing. By the way, theres an interval coming soon. Dont panic. I know a lot of you are going "Me bladders gunna explode Ross if I dont hurry it up to the toilet!" Truth be told, so am I. I'm busting. It's like I could piss like a racehorse. Dripping and splashing and whooshing... Is anyone...? So you've all got strong bladders then? Right oh.

The Interval

Right well, here we go then, what have we got.

• Toilets "Yaaaaay"
• Food, I guess
• The Bar

I dont really know, I came through the back. I dont even know what venue this is. Maybes I'm at the wrong one. Oooh that'd be something, if all of yous lot were expecting some experimental dance or something, and I ran out, clomping my feet around like an owl wearing big heavy work boots. "It's no use Ross, they're too heavy! I can't fly more than a few inches!" "Don't worry owl! I'll carry you." "Aw thanks Ross" "No pronblem..." Pronblem? What the hell was that? I've obviously confused 'problem' with 'pron'. Which can be a problem at times. Fellas know what I mean. Dont give me that look, you know very well what I mean. What? Speak up. When's the interval? I haven't the foggiest. We might have missed it, who knows?

Part Two

Heeey! Welcome back to the second part of the show! Anyone have any really interesting stories to tell? No? What about you sir, you were having a nice little chat there with your lady friend. You were what? Arranging a taxi. Thanks. Am I really that bad? When did you arrange it for? 30 minutes time. Right. We wont be finished by then. No, I can go on all through the night. I'll have to, I've got things to tell you, including the first thing, the second thing, me nearly dying in an alleyway...

The Alleyway

It was one of those moments where you really have to say something because its funny. You know, cos if you dont say it, its like the worst crime in the world, you know. Even worse than Murder. No, what it was right-- Jesus, you're late! What time do you call this? Where the hell have you been?

Latecomers

Eh? Where? For a slash. What kind of a slash? A whizz in the loo or was it like a stabbing in the showers? The first one, yes. I'd hope so. It's bad enough having a front row comprising of people with broken necks, let alone a serial killer stalking around the toilets. You've interrupted my train of thought. Oh thats right, the first thing. Dont worry, i'll get back to the Alleyway incident later.

The First Thing

First of all, this thing you see behind me, this big orange bouncy splodgy thing... I dont know what the hell it is, so don't ask. I just drew it on a scrap of paper - I know it looks like I just sneezed onto a bit of paper, but I didn't, I drew it, and it appeared, out of nowhere. What? You're all looking at me like you're slightly disappointed in me. I suppose you were hoping for the first thing to be important, like the evacuation procedures in canse of a fire. Well... it wasn't. I am very sorry. Back to the alleyway.

The Second Thing

Oh no, wait, we'll do the second thing fist. Second thing second. Whatever. Anyway, I know you've been wondering about this for a while now, my funky costume here. In particular this incredibly large white stain on my leg. Don't even think of making you're own dirty little joke here, you sick, sick people. No, what this is, right, its from a previous show I did a few months back, and these people starting throwing soft cheeses at me, just pelting me with this stuff, and the damn thing hasn't come out yet. It's like been stuck to my leg... Again, I'm sensing that I've let you all down. I do apologise. If you dont find me entertaining, why did you buy the tickets? Or were you really here hoping for experimental dance?

Experimental Dance

I can do some if you like... rump pum pum da dum, da dum, da dum dum dum, da dum, da dum, ah rump pum pu-- no.

The Alleyway

Okay, so, I was in the alleyway, and theres a bloke there, with a hoody and a sack full of something, and he comes up to me and says "Are you, uh... you chasing? You chasing?" And I'm like what? You're a bit mental mate. I didn't say it to his face. He might have been offended. Like I care, to be honest. I'll offend who I'd like, when I'd like. Anyway, so he says "Are you chasing?" Chasing. Ah, like chasing the dragon. Funky drug slang. This guys a dealer. And maybes a user as well, I didn't ask. Anyway, so, am I chasing? Well no... I don't do drugs, I'm always like this. What can I say to him? And, like I said before, if you dont say something funny, its the worst crime imaginable. "Are you... you chasing?" And I said to him, right... I said "Awww alright", turning me head and hiding my eyes "I'll count to 100. Go. 1, 2, 3, 4..."

The End

Thank you very much. I know you have places to be, people to see, taxis to catch. Don't mind me, I'll go off backstage and cry my eyes out. Bye-bye!

Encore

Any questions? What? Have I danced with a monkey? You know very well that I've danced with a monkey. Can I sign your T-shirt? Have you got a pen? You have? Okay, well the answers no. No, only joking, come on, take you're shirt off. What do you mean no? I am married you know. I have seen them before... sheesh. Some people... "No, you dirty, dirty, man." Heh heh, alright, well, one more. You sir. You what? You haven't got one, you were waving to someone. Right. Who was it? Oh they've left. Right. Where are they going? Home? Where do they live? I'm not thinking of hurting them or anything no. I'm just gonna go round to their house, or work, have a chat and then leave mid sentence. See how they like it. Right, well, I've talked long enough, thank you for those who you who got this far, our broken neck friends, my new best mate Dave, uh, the others. Yaaay! Right, go home. Good bye.

Extra Curricular Activitys

Ross Noble has been Immotralised in Muir Of Ord in a golden statue of him Throwing Intel Core 2 Duo Processors at Gordon Strachan.