UnBooks:To be a Fatty or Not to be a Fatty?
“To Be, or not to be. THAT is the question”
To Be a Fatty or Not to be a Fatty is a question that each individual must ask themselves during their lives. Put simply, it relates to whether you decide to eat stuff like salads and bread sticks and crud like that, or proper stuff like burgers and choccy (together, obviously. *drools*).
Not being a fatty
- Warning: Don't read your tea whilst drinking the following text.
This is a boring path to choose. Don't do it, it can lead to eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia, with rather horrific, life-threatening side effects. No one wants that, do they? Do they? Well, choose the second option, fool. Well, what are you waiting for? Scroll down!
If you really are stupid enough to choose this option, then you must be mad. Or poor. Incidentally, this is not really a good excuse for not eating - there are plenty of cake shops and chippies knocking about you can 'borrow' food from (see here for more details). Anyhow, if you really must not be a fatty, then be prepared for constant ridicule by the rest of the population. You may have heard of 'fattists', who hate people just because of their big-bonedness. However, these are in fact a myth propagated by the politically correct brigade. 'Thinnists', by comparison, do exist, and are very common in modern society, so watch out, you stick insect!
Not being a fatty is also very hard: you must have wits of steel and a stomach of cardboard to succeed. You must follow a strict regime of Ryvitas for breakfast, a carrot for lunch and a piece of paper for tea. If at any point in the day you (God forbid) exceed 200 calories, you must go for a three-hour jog to the nearest public toilets, where you must sit on the loo until you have excreted at least one pound of waste.
But that's not all! You have to join the local gym and go there every day, working out for hours and sweating an unhealthy amount. Is this any way to live your life? No, let me tell you, it's hell. May this be a warning to potential wannabe thinsters: you will probably not have the balls.
Being a fatty
- Warning: Do eat your tea whilst reading the following text.
This is the option which most sensible citizens of the world take, including everyone in the United States of America. By comparison, being a fatty is an excellent choice. You can work from home, never have to go anywhere and can spend all day pissing about on Uncyclopedia! Good, eh? Plus, you get to eat as much as you want and never care.
The wonders of modern technology make being a fatty easier than ever. Those emaciated guys on basic rations during the World War didn't know what they were missing. Televisions, radios and even the curtain rails have remote controls, and with the Internet, you can get some other fatty to do your shopping for you! A guy from Tesco will come round to your house and give you your Mars bars, Cokes and chocolate coated bananas: you never have to lift a finger.
Good things about being a fatty
Even more super side effects of being fat. It's the gift that keeps on giving!
- You can play a game to see how much weight you can gain in a day. Even more fun if a friend is involved!
- You never have to walk the dog. Yeah! Heck, you could even eat him when you run out of Doritos.
- You are your own cushion. So if you were shot, you will only have your fat damaged, not your vital organs.
- You get to stay in bed all day eating KFC and Chips.
- You never need to wear proper clothes, or even any at all if you feel like it.
- You can stare out of the window at those idiots playing football and getting some exercise, laugh and point at them with your chubby finger. Fools...
- You never have to do anything!
- You are harder to kidnap
- Now you have an excuse when you don't answer your phone because you can't get up!
Tips for being a fatty
- Never eat an ordinary pizza: think of all those healthy tomatoes, anchovies and cheese you are polluting your body with. Instead, be inventive and use chocolate puree, fried Twixes and Coca Cola to make a more suitable alternative.
- Experiment with different combinations of foods. Try fried chicken covered in sherbert.
- Don't drink Coke on its own. Add some sugar or melted chocolate.
- Buy a bag of sugar and eat it with a
Conclusion, if it wasn't already obvious
Being a fatty is easy. Being a thinny is not. Being a fatty rules. Being a thinny sucks. In short, fat=good, thin=bad. And no, you can't have my bag of Walkers cheese and onion. Get your own, lardass.
And remember, the fattest person ever to live was over 1,000 pounds: let this be your ultimate goal - the Guinness Book of Records gives publicity (and cash) to the fattest person in the world. Kerching!
Don't See also
- We Don't Like Fat People. This is wrong. I said ignore it, dammit!