Piers Morgan
Piers Harbours Jetty Stefan Pughe-Morgan (né O'Meara; born 30 March 1965) is a right wing British journalist, professional gobshite, narcissist and the World’s most hated television personality, perhaps best known for being the ousted presenter of ‘Good Morning Bastards’ with Susanna Rude.
He is editorial director of First News, a national colouring book/newspaper for children. He was also a talent judge (how he got this job, we don't quite know) on Britain's Got Talent and America's Got No Talent, and has authored eight books, including three volumes of memoirs which no one bothered to read.
On the side, Morgan writes tiresomely sycophantic interviews in GQ with utterly banal and irrelevant celebrities like himself. He also once edited the News of the World and Daily Mirror when on work experience, and he also once hacked a dead girl's phone.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Piers began his very sad life as little more than a posh foetus trapped deep within a female body, and upon leaving the womb of opportunity set out to take over the world, one talent-finding-related programme at a time.
Piers attended St. Augustine's Preparatory School for the Incessantly Smug in Coventry, where he was elected as Head Boy as soon as they saw his slick greasy smile. Piers's duties as Head Boy involved fellating all of the fourth-years whilst playing a version of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" on a kazoo. This is referred to as "Tammying", or more commonly, "A good ol' seeing to."
Career[edit | edit source]
Piers hosted Piers Morgan Tonight on CNN but was sacked after its one and only viewer passed away with boredom.
To this date, there have been 237.8 assassination attempts on Piers Morgan on the Britain's Got Talent set, and Piers has almost died around 4,513 times after slipping into smugness-induced comas on set.
Jeremy Clarkson publicly twatted Morgan at an award ceremony causing a bloody nose and the humiliated gobshite to run home to his mummy.
Over the years that very humiliation festered within Morgan resulting in a very public display of aggressiveness to everyone who ever appeared on Good Morning Britain, and his daily ranting monologues bollocking the viewing public for being arseholes.
He invented the “throwing their teddy out the pram” studio format
Affair and Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Morgan has been married twice. He paid his current wife, 78 year old retired cleaner and transgender Dorris Cleft a reported £1 million to marry him.
In April 2020 he admitted to having an affair with himself claiming he just couldn’t help fancying his "gorgeous" looks.