Rite Aid

Rite Aid is a drug store chain with operations in 37 states, the District of Columbia, California, four other planets, and your backyard. The chain is noted for selling cheap but high-quality (yeah, right) drugs and drug parephernalia, even to people who have never toked up once in their lives. Rite Aid is also known for building all of its stores to look exactly the same, even down to the fact that all of the cashiers are actually clones of each other.

History

Rite Aid was founded in Scranton, Pennsylvania, by Alexander "Smoking" Grass, who wanted to start a drugstore chain like no other. Instead of selling prescription drugs, his operation would be a glorified drug dealer's house disguised as a pharmacy to fool the authorities. Specially trained "pharmacists" would "prescribe" doses of popular drugs, such as weed, cocaine, Pixy Stix, weed, HeadOn, weed, HeadOn, caffeine, HeadOn, kittens for huffing, weed, weasels, HeadOn, diabeetus tesing supplies, and God knows what else. Grass decided to name the store "Right Aid," since the pharmacy section was on the right side of the store and he happened to have AIDS. Because Grass had been a drug user all his life, he couldn't spell worth a damn, and put "Rite Aid" on the sign instead; the misspelling stuck because none of the customers ever noticed. Having opened the drugstore in a converted Burger Chef, he hit on the wonderful idea of also offering drugs through a convenient drive-thru window.

Besides its pharmacy section, Rite Aid also sold all sorts of crap to further distract from the fact that it was really a crack house: the store sold socks, toothpaste (which many crackheads assumed was mint jelly), HeadOn, pet ferrets, HeadOn, Alpha-Bits, HeadOn, candy, and leftover roast beef dug out of the dumpster behind Arby's. In an effort to thwart hungry grandpas and racial riots, these stores also did not contain a lunch counter unlike the fuddy-duddy Walgreens down the road, and especially nothing at all like Eckerd.

Expansion: It's outta controooooooooooooooooooool!

The chain, with absolutely no advertising at all, soon grew to four stores in Scranton, followed by one in Intercourse, of course. By 1976, six had opened in Cleveland, three in Tokyo, nine on Venus, eighty-seven in the backwoods of Michigan, one on Irk and the world's largest in Red Square in Moscow. In 1995, the chain suddenly opened a million stores in Detroit after buying the Perry Drugs chain from Agent P to keep the stores from being destroyed by Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Needless to say, this sale was successful.

Their expansion grew wildly out of control, resulting in two or three, or even eight, popping up on the same corner. Sometimes, they would even take over a whole strip mall and convert every shop in it to a Rite Aid; other times, they would actually open a new store within the stockroom of an existing store. Just for shits and giggles, Rite Aid seemed to have patched up its relationship with longtime rival Eckerd, even selling a few stores to Eckerd — only to buy them back when no one was looking. By the 21st century, it was clear that Rite Aid was becoming the Starbucks of drugstores, except not as uptight or expensive. However, Walgreens executives are still plotting revenge...

Left Aid

The logo used by Rite Aid.

The logo used by Left Aid.

Given the immediate success of Rite Aid, Grass founded a second chain in 1998, called Left Aid. (It is still unknown how he managed to spell "Left" correctly.) Left Aid stores were different in that they featured the pharmacy section on the left side of the store. Many customers (all stoned out of their gourds) were confused by the difference in layout, so the Left Aid stores were acquired by CVS/pharmacy in 1986. It was then that the Rite Aid chain made the decision to construct all stores in exactly the same design, so that customers would not become disoriented. Plans had been announced to create a third chain called "Center Aid" (obviously, with the pharmacy section in the middle of the store), but Grass had gotten so wasted by then that he ended up selling the Rite Aid chain unknowingly to Buffalo Bob in 2008.

Store formats

Rite Aid is known for always placing its stores on corners so that they may be more easily seen by customers, especially those who are sick of the lousy service at Walgreens. They also advertise such nonsense as "One-hour photo" and "Foodmart" (again, crack heads can't spell) on their signs to distract from what the store really deals in. Really, go ahead, take your camera here to get the film developed. I dare you.

Some Rite Aid stores also contain a GNC, which is short for "Good N Cheap" (do I even need to explain?). GNC is the deep, deep discount section, where the cheapest of stoners can buy weed that's laced with filler, such as sugar, tobacco, or urine. But hey, they can't tell the difference, right?

Rite Aid facts

• Company motto: "With us, it's personal… and that's why our salespeople always hang on you like leeches. Especially if you're buying something embarrassing like condoms."
• Average sales in a day: $25. (Druggies aren't known for having a lot of money, and generally tend to pay in nonconventional forms, such as paper clips.)
• Number of locations: 624,389,157
• Drugs: Over 9 zillion, with 6000 more available on the Internet. (This does not include sales of HeadOn.)
• CVS sucks. Big time.

Pictures

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  A Rite Aid store in Home Depot Scott Depot, West Virginia.

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  A Rite Aid store in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, of course.

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  A Rite Aid store in Accident, Maryland.

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  A Rite Aid store in Youtoldmeyouwereonthepill, Virginia.

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  A Rite Aid store in Glasgow, Scotland. Or Tokyo. Or Mars. I forget.