Eye Beams

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The late Pope John Paul II demonstrating his late Eye-beams.

“Mmm, if looks could kill...though in his case, I suppose they can!”


Among the most vile and brutal weapons known to man, Eye Beams (or what we called in the 60's "Lasers") are, in fact, banned in most countries. However, because of their versatility in that they can cut, weld, and even blast depending on what the plot requires, they are often employed by superheroes. These specialized forms of laser beams are essentially what you would expect them to be - beams of intensely destructive energy that fly in a linear fashion out of eyeballs. Some have said that the sound that accompanies eye beams ("Beeeeeeoooooooow!") is the most chilling sound in the world. They were invented in the 13th century in order to countermand practitioners of the evil eye, which is a marvellously ironic idea if you really think about it. Eye Beams can be divided into two groups: Natural Eye Beams and Electronic Eye Lasers.

A lot of people don't think that Bjork has eye beams. A lot of people are covered in third degree eye beam burns.

Natural Eye Beams[edit | edit source]

Natural Eye Beams are created in one's brain (assuming you have one) and filtered through one's eyes to shoot. Bjork is known to have Natural Eye Beams. It is also suspected that at least 57% of all blind people had Natural Eye Beams at one point, but burnt out their retinas from overuse. This is Of course, there is always Cyclops who's got the most ass-kicking bone-melting pew-pew's...but he won't count since he's a Japanese manga star (and we all know they're emo superheroes).

Das Gubbernator portraying his ex-Holiness in Terminator π: Band Camp

There is also the vaulted case of the Statue of Liberty being the possesser of Eye-Beams so dangerous, she went Postal upon hearing Ronnie Raygun wanted to be declared Fuhrer. In this instance, she lifted her titantic copper feet out of New York Harbour and headed to the Republican National Convention, where she decimated the ranks of Those Who Would Tread on Liberty. The only known surviving witness, Jello Biafra, based his masterwork, Bedtime For Democracy, on this spectacle.

Electronic Eye Lasers[edit | edit source]

Electronic Eye Lasers are created via the insertion of special cybernetic penises. This procedure is known as laser eye surgery. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mia Farrow have been known to use penises from time to time.

Low Beams[edit | edit source]

Perfect for seeing in the dark, pissing off people in movie theaters or getting in trouble by looking at a plane with them. Do not confuse low beams with demonic possession. Examples of low beams: Cylons, Ultraman, Cthulhu and all the people in Australia. With the flip of a switch, you can switch from low beams to high beams.

High Beams[edit | edit source]

Perfect for blinding people driving on a two lane road, heat vision, 1337 vision, cold vision, old vision, curing glaucoma, causing comas, causing seizures, killing beavers, burning logs, dissecting frogs, igniting smog and looking cool when your power level is over 9000. High beams should not be used by amateurs, blind people, anyone named Bill, Tetsuo, Kaneda, or bears. Excessive use may lead to self-blindness.

Also refers to the Erect Nipples of the female Homosapien.

Personal Accounts From People With Eye Beams[edit | edit source]

Senator John McCain(R-Ariz.): I personally have Eye Beams. I developed them during Nam when Charlie was hunkering down on our bunker. I stood up and said "Not today, cockhole!" and I stared deeply into his soul, burning it and consuming it to strengthen my own powers.

People Awaiting Their Eye Beams[edit | edit source]

Stephen Colbert, the recipient of the prayers of thousands of people from Mastermedia International on February 22, 2007, was hoping to gain Heat Vision (The Superman version of Eye Beams), after learning that a former person who was prayed for gained Heat Vision. He promises to use this power to smite all the unworthy before him, namely bears.

Cats displaying their use of Eye Beams.
Cat with Eye Beams received as a Christmas gift
Never anger Journalists

The wide penis of Hillary 'Der Fuhrer' Clinton, was long believed to possess eye-beams. Sadly, her defeat at the hands of Barack 'The Sheik' Obama has proved this to possibly be in error. It is conceivable she lost her beams as a result of a battle with Ann Coulter, as it was strongly suspected that she dealt out punishment and death to those who would undermine, underpin, etc etc her husband Bill Clinton while he was president.

Cats and Eye Beams[edit | edit source]

All cats are known to have Eye Beams, commonly activated by shining a bright light towards the cat. As cats are a common pest throughout the world, there have been a number of deaths from Eye Beams from cats. Should you ever approach a cat while near a bright light then make sure appropriate care is taken to prevent injury from Eye Beams. Cats with Eye Beams come boxed and are available for purchase from toy stores and weapon dealers. They are a popular, but controversial Christmas gift due to their potential health hazards.

To be confused with[edit | edit source]

  • I-beams, the blinky things you use to unleash pwn3g on computerised text
  • I-beams!, the Broadway musical that ends with a girder falling on the lead singer
  • "iBeams", the new Apple handheld device that makes you pay for beams you may already own
  • I-beams, long structured pieces of tempered steel used in construction, not unlike other long pieces of rigid material
  • I-Beans, Black ladies food
  • Shoop Da Woop, the the amazingest form of Mouth Beams.

Not to be confused with[edit | edit source]

Butt Beams[edit | edit source]

Oh sorry wrong article. Please beg someone to make Butt Beams a real article!