Asparagus Syndrome
“This name belongs to me and I demand it be recognized with an apostrophe and an S”
“Sufferers from Asparagus Syndrome are to avoided at meal times. Those with extreme Broccoli Dementia can sit with POTUS”
Asparagus Syndrome is a poorly understood mental disorder. Sufferers have an inordinate fascination with Asparagus. They eat Asparagus at every meal, usually have at least one Asparagus stalk attached to their clothing at all time, and are difficult to engage in conversation concerning any subject except for Asparagus.
The horrific consequences of Asparagus Syndrome include: not making small talk because big talk works better, tendency to think for yourself against the herd in order to protect themselves and their supply of Asparagus, eyes that dart all over the place, and high intelligence in spite of all that. Statistically it affects an undue number of radio talk show hosts and Hollywood actors, though it has yet to be determined whether the behaviour guides ultimate vocation, or whether the condition results from prolonged exposure to ego-stroking or literal interpretation and structure. Some theorists believe that Bugs Bunny has Asparagus Syndrome due to his persistent tendency to forget to turn left at Albequerque, and spitting carrots out after a scene was finished.
Development[edit | edit source]
Early signs of the disease emerge in childhood, and match the adult symptoms.
Other side effects of the disorder include high levels of rutin and folic acid, and difficulty holding down steady employment, as in our narrow-minded, bigoted society, people simply aren't willing to accept an adult ranting on about a vegetable every day of their life.
Another unfortunate tendency of sufferers of the disease is their tendency to ruthlessly harass anyone who says anything unfavourable about Asparagus, especially if they refuse to take it back. Six holy wars have been fought by these crazy people over the sacred vegetable being disrespected.
Sufferers were characterised by high intellect but poor urine smell, with the perception of others as invaders into their structured and black and white world. It was thought that someone with Asparagus Syndrome would in fact be the saviour of relations between blacks and greens, but this turned out to be nothing more than a sufferer taking the term "black and green" literally.
Connection to international terrorism[edit | edit source]
Trade in Asparagus is tightly controlled due to the extreme danger of these Asparagus fundamentalists. This has led to the development of an international Asparagus smuggling network to defeat the controls. When law enforcement tightens up, often these fanatics turn to terrorism to pursue their Asparagus-related mission, which they regard as their sole purpose in life.
The worst attack of this nature occurred on April 1, 2003, when an entire major city (the government has not disclosed which one for security and political purposes) had all the Asparagus in its supermarkets secretly replaced with a rare weaponized variety of Asparagus from northern Europe which has been linked to an increased risk of cystic fibrosis. As of yet, the doers of this dastardly deed of Asparagus-derring-do have yet to be identified, mainly because President Bush is even worse at pronouncing the word "Asparagus" than he is at pronouncing the word "Nuclear." For this reason, the United States' 'War on Asparagus' has largely fallen by the wayside, in the wake of more politically popular and easier to pronounce initiatives, such as the 'War on Homos' and the 'War on the Non-Mega-Rich.'
Treatment[edit | edit source]
There is no known cure for the disorder, although some anecdotal progress has been noted in some instances where the sufferers were exposed to a wider range of vegetables like broccoli and marrows.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
- Causes: Still unknown. Believed to be genetic in origin, backing the theories of many that the story of bad parents must be true. Experts suggests the shape of the asparagus can bring on penile servitude to anyone in charge of grocery supplies. Seeing the word 'organic' has the same effect.
- Treatment: For children it is possible to show them the right way to walk and to remember to turn left at Albequerque. Sadly however, there is no proper cure especially in late diagnosed adults, but some are able to lead an almost normal life by hiring a good public relations firm and an expensive team of lawyers. Not to mention a lifelong supply of Asparagus.
- Long Term Care: All governments fear that future generations will feel the social effect of the 'Asparagus Spike'. Short term measures include issuing free shovels to anyone who finds they are forced to share space with sufferers.
Famous Sufferers of Asparagus Syndrome[edit | edit source]