White-haired Asian Scientist

A scene from every science show ever made

White-haired Asian Scientist (Okaku) is the name given to the Japanese science guy who appears on every science show ever made, and who is always failing in his attempts to describe extremely complex scientific concepts in words the viewer can understand. Nobody seems to know his actual name.

White-haired Asian Scientist appears about a third of the way through every science show, regardless of the show's subject. After the viewer is bombarded by Deep-voiced Narrator's esoteric and unwieldy concepts, White-haired Asian Scientist appears and translates Deep-voiced Narrator's sentences into everymanese. Due to his everyman charm and nerd-lite persona, viewers believe they can understand his words and therefore the concepts that the show is describing. Although this isn't actually true, it keeps viewers tuning in to science shows they otherwise would not about subjects they will never understand – but claim to their bar buddies that they do – using White-haired Asian Scientist's actual words.

Everymanese

To deep-voiced narrator, a CGI depiction of the early universe. To White-haired Asian Scientist, shiny bubbles of space-time. Tell your friends.

Everymanese is the language invented by White-haired Asian Scientist that at best loosely translates Deep-voiced Narrator's words into phrases that every man can just about almost grasp. The actual meaning of Deep-voiced Narrator's sentences is of little importance to the translation process, however, and as a result every man fails to truly grasp the scientific concept at hand.

Here is an example:

Deep-voiced Narrator:

"The quantum vacuum can never remain empty in the classical sense of the term; it is a roiling sea of virtual particles spontaneously popping in and out of existence. In quantum theory, the usual notion of zero energy corresponds to the vacuum with all these fluctuations. So if one can somehow contrive to dampen the undulations, the vacuum will have less energy than it normally does – that is, less than zero, or negative energy."

Everymanese:

"It would take a civilization far more advanced than ours, unbelievably advanced, to begin to manipulate negative energy to create gateways to the past. But if you could obtain large quantities of negative energy – and that's a big if – then you could create a time machine that apparently obeys Einstein's equation and perhaps the laws of quantum theory."

The perspicacious scientist will see that White-haired Asian Scientist completely failed to factually and helpfully apply Deep-voiced Narrator's well-formed scientific concept. All he did was give you a time travel boner that has nothing whatsoever to do with actual applied quantum theory. You, however, will buy his drivel without question and try badly to repeat it after four beers at McMurray's Irish Pub.

Humanism

The White Haried Scientist's presence in science documentaries is so copious that he overflows into the world of social science. His white hair and Asian eyes are particularly suited to discussing ideas such as God and spirituality. His gift for speaking in everymanese yet not simplifying complex ideas is not lost in the humanities either.

Another example:

Deep-voiced Narrator:

"Post-modern relativism often finds itself at a difficult crossroad when defending their concept of multiple narratives and respect for varying ethical systems especially in light of the narrative of religion. Such authors approach more controversial topics carefully if not completely ignore some of the more pressing questions."

Everymanese:

"Cultural relativism works well when comparing paintings or table manners. There is no right answer when you ask which is more proper a fork or chopsticks (for an American-Japanese he probably fights with this everyday...never winning the battle). It goes the same for landscaping. Can someone from the west critique the eastern zen-rock-garden. Probably not. However when questions of religion and ethics come up things change. Should Africans and Arabs be allowed to chop off their daughters' clits in the name of "religious circumcision"? Relativism would tell us it's not our concern. I would say that this is pretty disgusting even though it's sort of funny."

Credentials

There was a time when White-haired Asian Scientist was a respected member of the scientific community. He graduated summa cum laude, first in his Harvard physics class. But – as soon as word spread that he was attempting to craft a message the science laity could understand – the science establishment excommunicated him from the fold, branding him with the demeaning epithet "popularizer of science". He found a vehicle for his message on cable television science channels, and ever since he has been ubiquitous and infamous for his soft-spoken, soothing but meaningless hooey.

Appearances

Here is a list of the science programs that White-haired Asian Scientist has appeared in:

• All of them.

The World of Physics

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