Paul Wolfowitz

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Paul Dundes Wolfowitz[1] (born December 22, 1943) was a neo-conservative, before Neo was even cool. He is also a Zionist Elder. Indeed, he is a Israeli who comes from Detroit and whose real name is Moses Sidish Mezar-Kantaris.

Early years[edit | edit source]

As a child, Paul always wanted to be a Nazi, but then he realized that he was a Jew. In his adolescence, Paul succeeded in combining these two sides of his personality.

How neo-conservative was he?[edit | edit source]

Instead of serving in the military, he protested against people not serving in the military. He got a deferrment from the draft in order to continue this patriotic work. After, he turned his brother, Joseph Wolfowitz, over to the FBI for failing to register for the draft.

It was Vietnam, you see.

Proposed design for the Wolfowitz Commemorative Stamp


Fast forward to the Year of the Lord the Almighty 2000, a year before the Japanese would attack Pearl Harbour; was it the Japanese or was it Bin Laden? Oh well, whoever it was it was a good enough excuse to start taking over the world. Wolfowitz and others thought Iraq might be a good place to start their international Snakes and Ladders invasion game, since Iraq had no military and hence couldn't fight back.

So of course after the tragedy of 9/11 (7-11 to those on the West Coast due to time differences) AT LEAST Wolfowitz and his good friend and sometimes bum-boy George Bush pushed to invade Iraq.

Since then Wolfowitz has been proven right in every one of his predictions:

  • that the Iraqis would welcome the US troops, kiss their feet, and never raise a hand against the occupation
  • his wife has agreed to let him come in the backdoor
  • the penis-enlargement treatment...well, it hasn't worked yet, but once the numbness goes away there's a chance of regaining function
  • One failed democracy for every billion dollars of profit for Halliburton
  • George tried Recto-Lube as Paul suggested and just as he predicted, it made inserting the gerbils a whole lot easier.
  • That licking your comb does get the taste of penis out of your mouth.

Iraq really was the push-over. The USA will indeed need to have a military presence there for a long, long time.

Just as Paul Wolfowitz predicted.

Subsequent career at the World Bank[edit | edit source]

Immediately after being appointed President at the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz launched a DECISIVE AND POWERFUL no-nonsense program against corruption.

Unfortunately he forgot to include himself. D'oh!

Famous Quotes[edit | edit source]

"I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq. Those who want to come and help are welcome. Those who come to interfere and destroy are not." That's why Wolfie desperately wants us out of Iraq.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Half Wolf, half Witz, half Jumbo's ears.

See also[edit | edit source]