Jarome Iginla

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jarome Iginla.

Jârome Arthur the Aardvark Lee-Anne Rhymes Adekunle Kunta Kinte Tigger The Tiger "Playa Playa" Roflmao Junior Elvis the Black "King" Supafly Iginla (born on July 1, 1977 and again on Martin Luther King Day 2085 ) is the African-Canadian leader of the Calgary Flames of the decidedly anti-black NHL ( National Honkey League).

Playing career[edit]

HAHA!! And another one bites the dust.

Why Jarome Iginla is the #1 Canadian[edit]

He just is. He's the ladyboy.

Iginla realizing that it's time to save the Earth once again.

Jarome Iginla has been described as a combination of estrogen supply station supplying power for over 7 million females and Unholy Deity. The 04-05 NHL lockout was caused when he decided to workout extra hard during the summer but over 565 NHL players signed a petition to have him banned from the league that year because Iginla couldn't possibly be any more ripped and an extra strong Iginla would mean that every player he checked would disintegrate into a pile of shaved ice.

This was just a racist excuse however, as Jarome Iginla had already been disintegrating NHL players for nearly 8 seasons before the 04-05 lockout. The real cause of the 04-05 NHL lockout was a shortage of wooden hockey sticks as Iginla, whose diet consists mainly of California Redwoods and other tress not used to make hockey sticks was entered as the sole competitor in a forest eating contest by Shane Doan and Craig Conroy.

NHL Career Stats[edit]

Since he first moonwalked into the league on the back of a silver dragon named Repo in the 1996-1997 season, Jarome Iginla has scored over 12 000 goals, and is the all-time leading goal scorer, by far, in NHL history. In addition, he cured Phil Kessel and Saku Koivu of cancer, as well as eaten Gary Bettman whole during a benefit dinner (he later regurgitated him complaining of indigestion).


  • “What the Fuck?!? The Fucking LIGHTNING win the Stanley Fuck?? Fuck that. I sacrificed a lot of dignity by gang banging for these beauty Flames and for us to lose to Martin St. Small Ass and Vincent Lacavalgay?!?!”
  • "I have a very big penis that I DO NOT use sparingly. Ask Kara."
  • "Some people ask me how I'm so damn good. 'How do you do it Jarome? You're so strong and mighty compared to these honkeys.' Two words Co-fucking crack."
  • "If it's two things I hate it's loose sloppy vagina and Darcy Tucker, in that order."
  • "Some people have asked me how it feels to be the only living black male in the entire country of Canada to which I reply 'How does it feel to be shanked?' Then I shank em."
  • "I learned how to fight when I was thrown into a pit of ninjas at the age of 4."
  • My slap-shot isn't my only shot that registers at 100 mph. Ask Kara"

Facts About Iginla[edit]

  • As a terminator made completely out of Titanium, he stands 6'1" tall and weighs 2.345 metric tons making him the strongest player pound for pound in the NHL.
  • Jarome Iginla has the largest Penis Known
  • Iginla doesn't give half a titty-fuck about you but he'll still sign your fucking autograph because he's that awesome.
  • He doesn't leap tall buildings in single bounds because he's not a fucking superhero. He's a Mulatto. And apparently they don't do that kinda shit.
  • Iginla has this cool little deke where he takes the puck, puts it between the gaping legs of a whore, turns invisible, reappears as the technoviking, initiates a burning techno beat that gives him a raging hard on, suddenly stops cold, winds up for a shot then presses the X button to cancel, picks the puck up on his stick and shoots it lacrosse style right though the goalies chest. This often results in the death of the goaltender. Thus, Iginla's patented move which he calls the "Stop THIS Bitch" has been barred from the NHL.
  • Jarome Iginla enjoys a non-sequitur as much as anyone which is why he keeps a fully loaded hair clip inside his Smiff N Wessun hockey stick and only shoots to mambo!
  • He would have been the 2002 NHL MVP if it weren't for the "Couldn't Stop a Killer Whale with the Brick Wall of China", prowess of the Overpaid and Overrated Jose Simon, Alvin, and Theodore.
  • He discovered white people.
  • He is only three cats in a man-suit
  • He sold (women's) ass-crack during the height of the 80's drug epidemic to support his Pimp habit.
  • He has two toddlers and they are already smarter than you.
  • Iginla never fucks on the first date. That's because he never dates he just fucks. He's also prone to fuck on any date.
  • Iginla sang in a choir as a youngster. He still sings today as a man-child. The 30 different arena specific goal horns in the NHL are actually just recordings of Iginla humming.
  • Jarome Iginla taught his illegitimate son Black Jesus how to cure cancer and make hot pockets.
  • Every time he has sex with a woman, he burns the initials "J.I." underneath their breasts with his laser vision. This is also the only time he uses his laser vision.
  • He can induce a woman into labor regardless of whether she is actually carrying a child.
  • He knows what a woman wants and needs, and that's usually Jarome Iginla.
  • Has yet to win the Stanley Cup but doesn't mind cause like wtf is he gonna do with a man's jockstrap??
  • Doesn't drink alcohol. Instead celebrates by drinking lava which he gets from anywhere by punching the ground really hard.
  • The moon was created when Jarome entered the atmosphere and collided with earth sending large amounts of the earths crust into space, which eventually accumulated and formed the spherical moon. Iggy is originally from Krypton and his eye lasers are powered through kryptonite.
  • Carl Winslow is Jaromes birth father, but Carl has not heard from Jaromes mother since she returned to Krypton.


  • 1977 Hottest Baby Contest
  • 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, probably 2009 "Playa Playa Fo Sho" of the year.
  • 2002, 2004 Maurice Richard trophy as the NHL leading goal scorer with 52 and 410,347 goals respectively.
  • 2002 Lester B Pearson trophy as the NHL's most outstanding "Playa Playa."
  • 2002 NHL MVP (almost)