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Tuesday, December 3, 2024, 16:59 (UTC)
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  WASHINGTON -- It's the week of Thanksgiving, so naturally President Biden has partaken in a long-running ― and bizarre ― presidential tradition. The 46th POTUS has officially pardoned Princess Peach, and Blossom and The Big Bang Theory star Mayim Bialik.
"Although the United States does not recognize titles of nobility," the President said while pardoning Peach, "I feel it is my duty as president to protect this young princess from the evil clutches of that bastard lizard, King Koopa, or is it Bowser?" [It's both. ― Ed.] He then pointed his finger as he taunted the reptilian monarch, "I don't care how many piano ballads you sing in an Elton John style... Leave her the hell alone, Jack!"
 Sex pestophile Matt Gaetz has pulled out of attorney general. He obviously can't go back to the House, even he he literally gets down on his knees and begs like James Brown. The House Ethics Committee was deadlocked on whether or not to release its Gaetz report.
Trump has instead selected former Florida attorney general, Scientology shill, and Silicon Valley lobbyist Pam Bondi as his new AG pick. She's 59 but looks like Kelly Bundy. She's a Trump loyalist who served as one of his defense lawyers at his first impeachment trial. Trump is the first president to ever be impeached twice and will soon be the first to be impeached three times, unless all that McDonald's and KFC finally does its job... and not the one Trump made a fool of himself doing as a PR stunt. Pam Bondi is also what EON and MGM are calling the upcoming female reboot of James Bond. Upon hearing the news, Stranger Things actor Brett Gelman asked Gaetz, "So... How was the pull-out?" MAR-A-LAGO, Palm Beach, Florida --
  October 4, 2023 (published November 12, 2024)
EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- America is reacting to a shocking bit of news that will seriously impact the next four years... former president Barack Obama has smeared poop on a daycare. "I just felt like it," the 44th POTUS tells UnNews at a time when actors and writers are on strike and Joe Biden will obviously be re-elected next year in a landslide and no conservative comedians have made disgusting "jokes" about Puerto Rico. "Three-and-a-half years of Democratic rule and a normal president is frankly... boring," he continues. "I miss the chaos, the tweets, the dementia-addled ramblings, and the gross attempts at insurrection. They were the worst years of any American's life, but hey, at least it wasn't boring. What's a little poop now and then? Don't answer that."
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: On Wednesday, a friend tells you to take a box of tissues when you go to see 12 Years A Slave. Weird, cos in the end, you don't need to wank once.
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