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Friday, April 4, 2025, 01:27 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Michelle Trachtenberg dies at 39, Gene Hackman at 95
  HOLLYWOOD -- Fresh off signing with CAA, EON Productions and Amazon MGM have announced former president Joe Biden as the next James Bond, succeeding Daniel Craig after a 15-year, 5-picture run.
"We're excited that former president Biden has decided to pursue his lifelong Hollywood dreams. He's been working with a dialect coach to get his British accent just right. We'll be paying him more than Daniel Craig and he negotiated a clause in which he hand picks all the Bond girls." While he'll enjoy a big paycheck, the former POTUS will still donate 25% of his salary to LA wildfire funds. "It just feels wrong to drink martinis, shoot bad guys and bang some hot chicks, and not do anything about humanitarian causes. So I want to help Gavin out." HOLLYWOOD -- HOLLYWOOD -- Two weeks after former president Joe Biden was announced as the new James Bond immediately after signing with top talent agency CAA, former vice president (and former presidential candidate) Kamala Harris, another newly-reminted CAA client, has been announced as a Bond girl.
Ali Abassi (The Donald Trump biopic The Apprentice) is no longer in the running for director after he groped several potential Bond girls, which he denies. Abbasi is also strangely denying he ever groped Trump. Trump echoes these denials: "He never touched your ass. It's your ass. We don't talk about my ass. I have a beautiful ass, too beautiful to grope, too beautiful to talk about. Trust me. Like God's true name. Then again, I'm God. I'm a big, beautiful God, bigly. I hope this Bond movie is perfectly fair to my good friend Hannibal Lecter. Whatever. James Bond is overrated. I prefer Austin Powers. Maybe Johnny English. I kind of liked that Mr. Bean."
 Nearly 20 years after the release of Liam Neeson's geriatric action hit Taken, an audition tape by now-President Donald Trump has been leaked. The account LostAuditions97 uploaded the VHS footage onto YouTube Thursday, where it has racked up 100 million views at last count.
The then-Apprentice host is seen wearing a white wife-beater T-shirt, smoking a cigarette, holding his slides in one hand and — curiously — Yorick's skull from Hamlet in the other. Most of the lines he utters aren't even from the film.
  CALIFORNIA - The devastating wildfires that have been raging LA and Southern California - including the homes of many celebrities - have claimed 27 at last count and caused $250 billion in damages. While it was initially suspected of being caused by global warming and/or "human factors" such as arson, after recent investigation from the FBI, it has been revealed that Smokey Bear is part of a covert organization to start wildfires.
The cabal also includes Smokey Robinson, Smoky Barrett, the ghost of Smoky Dawson, Smoky Mountain Wrestling, Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files, The Marlboro Man, Joe Camel, Smokey on O'Reilly, and Smokey and the Bandit. And formerly David Lynch until his Thursday death. "This is my revenge for the CGI mess my ad council has made of me in recent years," Smokey Bear says. "I'm supposed to be big, rugged and voiced by Sam Elliott. But those goddamn woke liberal snowflakes turned me into a cute little Chuck E. Cheese f----t. This is why my man, Donald Trump, won!" When asked how we went from an ardent environmentalist into full-blown MAGA, the famous ursus explained, "The hell did you expect? I'm 80!"  CAPITAL ONE ARENA, WASHINGTON D.C. - To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Elon Musk has made a nazi salute to his fellow Trump supporters yesterday. We at UnNews are not shocked at all to know that Musk is obviously from the far-right and hence, does dumbass racist shit like this. Is there any thing to take from this? Well, what hasn't been taken already? Far right hate groups obviously devolve into crazy stuff like this all the time, try to cover up their notions with the "durr woke liberals think everything is HITLER" and refuse to see that duh, you hate basically all minorities except for the straight, white, conservative, Christian, American, rich, cis male. ELON MUSK isn't even all of that! (bolded the punchline for you guys) Hell, sure Hitler may not have been a Christian, American, or technically even white by Western standards at this point, but damn it it is pretty close.
 WASHINGTON DC -- President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration today will prove to be just as controversial and surreal as the rest of his political career, as time travelers are taking part in the various D.C. protests. What a minute...
The arrival of time travelers has been thoroughly reported around the nation's capital for days now, appearing out of glowing electronic orbs and carrying picket signs with slogans written in some indecipherable language that we can only assume are clever. Though they don't speak our language, they all seem to share a passionate hatred for Donald Trump. It's clearly a universal tongue.
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 Your horoscope for today: Settling down to watch an episode of Modern Family, it dawns on you that you would do every female member of the case except the Asian kid, and, knowing you, she will probably make the cut before the series is over.
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