UnNews:Israel and Iran are, indeed, edging

Saturday, June 14, 2025

Oh-ho-ho, yes they a-are!

Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu and Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei have been witnessed publicly engaged in a heated standoff during a UN General Assembly meeting early on Saturday, according to witnesses. The two world leaders, who are currently in an edging session and have been since approximately 10:39 GMT, appear to have locked fingers during a routine roll call and refused to let go.

Sources close to the Israeli delegation reported that Netanyahu muttered something along the lines of "I'm gonna launch the biggest offensive you'll ever see in your sad little life", under his breath as Khamanei exhaled deeply before whispering something in Farsi that our translational correspondents have interpreted as, "Detonate, habibi... make me a no-fly zone."

Dozens of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem citizens rushed into shelters this morning before the break of dawn, seeking refuge from the heated embrace unfolding in the General Assembly hall. This spectacle has culminated in hundreds of projectiles fraught with Creamy Ubiquitous Mustard falling headlong to the ground, leaving indelible stains of jizz on the capital cities themselves, sparking a wave of unexpected sexually-transmitted diseases.

Fortunately, roughly six of these so-called "cumstains" have been intercepted by emergency cleanup crews armed with lethally enhanced condom-shaped area denial weapons the size of high-rise buildings, according to the Israeli military. Meanwhile, the semi-official Tasnim news agency reported that loud moaning has been resonating throughout the Iranian capital Tehran as a consequence of the two world leaders' "bit of the other".

Experts in conflict resolution and erotic diplomacy suggest that the successful conclusion of Netanyahu and Khamenei's edging session could produce enough emotional catharsis to resolve over 54 years of Middle Eastern conflict, pending refractory period - assuming that ever happens. Until then, the UN has extended its towel budget by 400%.

Prompted by the orthodox firework display, Snowflake-in-Chief had the following to say on Truth Social at 11:42 GMT:

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

Never seen anything like it. Biggest most tremendous negotiation in UN history. They ought to build a wall around the General Assembly to keep the excitement contained! MUGA^[1]

42K ReTruths 121K Likes June 14, 2025