Why does Ali K want to kill me?
Ali K is not the President of Iran. The President of Iran is Hassan Rouhani, the Grand Abba of Iran. A Grand Abba, as grand as he may sound, is much less important than Ali K, who is a Grand Ayatollah. So just comparing the word Ayatollah to the word Abba must be very offensive for Ali K. Offensive enough to make him want to kill me. Because I am using him to write about the greatest Swedish pop band of all time, Army of Lovers.
Ali K is also not the Veep of Iran, of course. That would be Eshaq Jahangiri, which means Ginger Testicle in Hebrew. Ginger Testicle's official title is the Ace of Base of Iran, which would mean that he is the high commander of the Iranian army, if that wasn't already Ali K's job. Ginger was once crucified for having Nazi opinions, which is now known as total bullshit. That is Ali K's job, too.
The Speaker of the Iranian Parliament, Ali Larijani, although called Ali, is the Grand Roxette, or in English, the Royal Bitch of Iran. His job is to sniff Ali K's ass whenever it's necessary. He is also the main developer of the Iranian Sexual Revolution Plan, designed to make each Iranian woman over 11 be publicly stoned to death or orally please both of her husband's testicles at once on a daily basis.
Ali K is also not Sadeq Larijani, the Chief Justice of Iran, or The Grand Cais, which is an anagram of the Swedish pop band The Cardigans. The main purpose of the Chief Justice is to make justice, which is exactly what this article is doing with Army of Lovers, the greatest Swedish pop band of all time.
And that is why Ali K is obsessed with killing me.