UnNews:STOP THE PRESSES! ROCKIES WIN!
Wednesday, June 4, 2025
THE COLORADO ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! THEY HAVE FINALLY WON SHIT! THIS IS A SPLENDID TIME FOR THE FOLKS AT COORS FIELD, THE GREATEST BAR, no, BASEBALL FIELD ON THIS EARTH WHICH IS SITUATED A MILE OFF THE GROUND!
YES, IT SEEMS LIKE THE WORST TEAM IN MODERN NORTH AMERICAN PRO LEAGUE SPORTS HISTORY HAS FINALLY DONE SOMETHING THAT IS WORTH A CELEBRATION! THEY HAVE BEATEN THE PULP OF THE MIAMI MARLINS 3-2! THIS IS A MONUMENTAL VICTORY FOR WHAT FELT LIKE A ROAD OF TERROR AND ANGUISH! THIS MAY BE VERY VERY EARLY, BUT I ALREADY FEEL LIKE ROCKTOBER IS COMING AGAIN! YEP, THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS SAID ROCK TO THE COLORADO TEAM IN BASEBALL WITHOUT SAYING "ROCK BOTTOM" FOLKS! THERE REALLY AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH THAT BLOCKS THE COLORADO ROCKIES FROM THEIR WINS! Well, actually, maybe every mountain on the face of the earth, but let's not get real here, hey?
BUT REALLY, THE ATTENTION OF THIS WIN SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON THE MIAMI MARLINS! JESUS CHRIST, YOU GUYS SUCK! IMAGINE LOSING TO THE ROCKIES! IN FACT, AS I'M WRITING THIS, THERE IS A VERY BIG CHANCE THAT THE ROCKIES MIGHT ACTUALLY SWEEP YOU (this was written at the top of the 4th and the Rockies are up 1-0) WHICH PROBABLY MEANS THAT YOU SHOULD PACK UP YOUR BAGS AND MOVE UP TO CAROLINA OR SOMETHING OR ANOTHER. AS A GUY WHO WATCHES HIS FAIR SHARE OF DODGER BASEBALL, HAVING OHTANI'S 50/50 IN YOUR STADIUM WAS GREAT, AND BESIDES, EVEN IF THAT STADIUM IS FOREVER TARNISHED BY HOW BAD YOU'VE BEEN FOR YEARS, YOU STILL FOR SOME DIVINE REASON HAVE THE BETTER FLORIDA STADIUM IN THE MLB! (devil rays amirite) SO MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SAW OFF THE WHOLE STATE! COLORADO ROCKIES, YOU WILL FOREVER BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE NL WEST, ALONG WITH YOUR BUDDY PADRES DOWN SOUTH! LET'S GO DODGERS!
this UnNews article was brought to you from the Los Angeles Dodgers! The Dodgers—is it really our fault your teams suck at getting players? Is it also really our fault that we're going to be winning eight World Series' in a row in the following years?
UP NEXT: Very mentally ill Dodgers fan chatters about the FUCKING HOUSTON ASTROS, how DOGSHIT THE YANKEES ARE, and him and his team's plan to DECIMATE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL AS WE KNOW IT