UnNews:Vatican City congratulates the Philippines on holy HIV epidemic
Friday, June 6, 2025
Vatican City Entertainment, majority shareholder of the Philippines, issued a statement earlier today applauding the success of its ongoing efforts in keeping Filipinos uneducated, lazy and superstitious.
| “ | It is with gratitude in our hearts that we observe, through the holy benchmark of HIV infections, that our policies have born fruit to keep the inhabitants of our oldest colony as firmly controlled by the interests of our 3rd century founders as we could hope for. Clearly this new data shows that there is hope for the church and its investors. Given enough effort and support from the local elites, it is still very possible to instill beliefs in a group of uneducated yokels that are wholly contradictory to their own interests. Off course we deplore the suffering caused by the big rise in HIV infections, but it does show that our brainwashing is still as effective as ever. Also, I would like to remind future critics, of the words of Saint Mother Theresa (peace be upon her), that suffering is good for the church cashflow. | ” |
— his eminence Jejomar Binay, Cardinal in charge of propaganda, Interview with the Vatican breakfast news
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According to data from the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) and the World Health Organization (WHO), the Philippines has experienced a significant surge in HIV cases in recent years. While the claim of the "highest HIV rate outside of Africa" is not substantiated by current global statistics—as several countries in Eastern Europe and Central Asia report higher prevalence rates—the situation in the Philippines is nevertheless considered a serious public health crisis.
The rapid increase is primarily attributed to a number of factors, including a lack of comprehensive sex education, stigma surrounding HIV testing and prevention, poverty, religion, stupidity, Facebook and challenges in access to and use of condoms. European scientists expressed disbelief that almost a hundred million people are still locked into a mental prison based on the rules of a late bronze age culture. Spain once again apologized for the harm it had caused by introducing religion to the Philippines.
King Ferdinand II declined to comment, citing a pre occupation with the ongoing soap opera involving the Ogre in the Hague and Princess Fiona.
Minority Shareholder and mega successful crimelord Manny Manalo expressed satisfaction at the statistics during an earnings call with his INC investors, "ignorance and stupidity are our most important allies against unwanted progress, this proves that our position at the trough is secure for at least another generation"
The emir of Afganistan mocked the Philippines;
“We might have gone back to the stone age, but at least we are allowed to use sheepskin condoms. Inshallah”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Nigel Farage "Pinoy Catholics still breed like rabbits, Vatican city pleased" channelnewsasia, June 3, 2025