UnNews:Qatar declares war on Vatican
Thursday, May 15, 2025
“papam habemus. et non est ex Catar. Bitches”
In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the international community, the State of Qatar has declared war on Vatican City, citing "flagrant election fraud" in the most recent papal election. Qatari officials allege that the Vatican failed to deliver the promised transparency in the conclave, opting instead to appoint a pope using "proven cardinals"—a term now synonymous with election rigging—rather than the "confirmed cardinals" previously agreed upon. "This betrayal of trust is not only a violation of diplomatic norms but an act of aggression against the rightful processes of papal acquisition," said Sheikh Ibrahim Al-Thani, Qatar's Minister of Unholy Affairs. "We paid for our candidate Saad Kaabi with real money we could have spend on hooqers instead."
“We paid real money for more than two hundred confirmed cardinal votes in the conclave and now they tell us that only proven cardinal votes count. Jihad it is!”
The Vatican, meanwhile, has responded with serene indifference, insisting that the election was conducted in accordance with divine precedent. "The white smoke rose as intended," said Vatican spokesperson Father Giuseppe Sanctus. "If Qatar has a problem with providence, they should take it up with a higher authority." Military analysts are puzzled by Qatar's declaration, given Vatican City’s lack of standing army, weaponry, or tangible defensive structures beyond a well-curated collection of Swiss Guards armed with ceremonial pikes and Qatar's army's mindboggling BMI. "This is either the boldest geopolitical play in modern history or the strangest misunderstanding since the Treaty of Westphalia," commented Professor Lucia Benedetti of the Rome Institute for Unnecessary Conflicts. As global leaders scramble to mediate the dispute, Pope Leo XIV issued a brief statement: "We shall not engage in war, but we will pray for Qatar’s swift return to rational thought." The world awaits Qatar’s next move with a mix of bewilderment and morbid curiosity.
“We should have bought the NATO secretary generalship instead. These catholics are even more deviant than muslims ”
“Deus Vult, Bitches”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- The Guardian "Qatar declares war on Vatican City" The Guardian, May 15, 2025