UnNews:MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF
May 13, 2025
COOPERSTOWN, NY — In a historic, sweeping decision, baseball commissioner-dictator Rob Manfred finally gave cheaters and pedophiles the credit they deserve. Obviously inspired by the first election of an American Pope, Manfred waved his hands to anoint all dead people on MLB's permanently ineligible list, effectively giving them the baseball equivalent of Sainthood.
Manfred's single-handed directive means seventeen previously banned people will now be eligible for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. The most notable among these are admitted pedophile Pete Rose and the "eight men out" who conspired with gangsters such as Arnold Rothstein to orchestrate the Black Sox Scandal, in which the 1919 World Series was fixed.
Manfred made sure to point out that he does not have the authority to directly add anyone to the Hall of Fame, at least not yet. "I know I need not point out to the baseball writers of America that it is their responsibility to decide who goes into the Hall of Fame. It is not mine. And with this I'm sending a clear message to the baseball writers of America about who I want them to put in the Hall of Fame, or else," Manfred forewarned.
Manfred went on to explain the many wonderful reasons for his widely praised decision. "We always say in this business, a dead man is no threat, so I think it's time to say anyone who's croaked has served their punishment, whatever it is. Remember how Aaron Hernandez killed himself in prison so he'd automatically be acquitted of the murder conviction he was appealing? Yeah, this is kinda like that. And then Pete Rose, when he wasn't cheating on his wife with minors or placing laughably stupid sports bets at Caesars Palace, was talking about second chances, and somehow he turned that into a 'Thought this was America' thing, so I have to give him a second chance. I'm optimistic he won't let us down again," Manfred continued.
Manfred also clarified that some of these people would now be exonerated and removed from MLB's permanently ineligible list even if they weren't deceased. "Let's all remember that the Black Sox boys weren't banned for gambling, they were banned for fixing the World Series, basically cheating. Gambling is still completely immoral but now tolerated due to its immense profitability for Corporate America. Cheating, and cheating in the World Series, well you guys already know my stance on that. If you get caught, I'll give you a light slap on the wrist to make the public think I'm doing my job, but it's totally fine," Manfred said.
While Manfred has obviously done the right thing, Pete Rose's pedophilia has caused some people to express mild concerns, which Manfred addressed and put at ease: "Look, when it came to light that Pete Rose was bangin' a 14-year-old while he was a married man in his thirties, he didn't lie about it. He did the right thing. He filed a defamation lawsuit, then he withdrew the lawsuit when he saw the evidence, and then he ultimately did acknowledge an ongoing extramarital sexual affair with a minor, so we all have to appreciate what a big man he was for eventually telling some of the truth. Also, for some unrelated reason, this reminds me that President Donald Trump pardoned Pete Rose, or at least he said he would, he sometimes takes his sweet time with the pardons he promises, and Trump's pardons haven't been nearly as insane as Joe Biden's, so everybody get off my back."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Pete Rose, 'Shoeless' Joe Jackson among players reinstated by MLB" ESPN, May 13, 2025
- "Rob Manfred on verge of Hall of Fame blunder with Pete Rose" MassLive, March 3, 2025
- "How the Houston Astros Cheating Scandal Affected Public Trust in Major League Baseball" The Sport Journal, 2022