UnNews:SOMEBODY'S POISONED THE WATERHOLE!!!!

Tuesday, June 24, 2025

This image was found on a smartphone at the crime scene, about 10 yards away from the poisoned watering hole

SOMEBODY'S POISONED THE FUCKING WATERHOLE!! WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!

LISTEN THE FUCK UP, YOU AREN'T GONNA WANT TO MISS THIS ADDRESS TO THE CITY FOLK. BECAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITH BIOLOGICAL EVILDOERS SUCH AS THE SCOUNDREL IN QUESTION, THE FATE OF YOUR LIVES DEPENDS ON IT!

AT AROUND 10:60 AM IN THE FUCKING MORNING WE GOT SOME REPORTS OF THE WATERHOLE BEING POISONED!!! BEPLAGUED, I TELL YOU! INFECTED WITH A HARMFUL SUBSTANCE! THE WATERHOLE'S WATER IS NO LONGER SAFE FOR YOUR TONGUES NOR YOUR LUNGS!

I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT JUST LOOK UP WORDS RHYMING WITH "TONGUE" TO MAKE THIS ARTICLE SOUND ANY BETTER.

ANYWAYS WE WERE ABLE TO FIND SOME DAMNING EVIDENCE; THEREFORE, YE SHALL BE NOT OF COMPLETE FEAR, FOR THE ENFORCEMENTS OF LAW ARE HERE. CLOSE TO THE POISONED WATERHOLE WAS A GODDAMN SMARTPHONE WITH ONE IMAGE SAVED ON IT WHICH WE WERE ABLE TO FIND AFTER GUESSING THE PASSCODE. IT TOOK US A WHILE BUT DAMMIT WE CRACKED THAT CODE LIKE NOBODY ELSE COULD!

WE FOUND WHAT APPEARS TO BE SOME FUCKING LUNATIC'S PHOTO ON THIS THING INSIDE OF HIS HOUSE, DATED THE DAY BEFORE THE POISONING ATTACK! THE PICTURE HAS BEEN PROVIDED IN THIS ARTICLE IF YOU WANT TO ANALYZE IT FOR YESELF, FELLOW TOWNSFOLK. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS RADICALLY DANGEROUS MENACE TO SOCIETY!

WHILE IT MAY APPEAR AS THOUGH IT WERE A BRAVE SHERIFF OR A TRUE COWBOY, DO NOT BE FOOLED, NOT FOR A SECOND! A REAL COWBOY NEVER TAKES OFF HIS HAT IN HIS COURSE OF DUTY. A REAL COWBOY ALWAYS HAS A HAT YOU DUMBFUCK. I'M NOT SURE WHY I EVEN EXPLAINED THAT SHIT TO YOU BECAUSE ANYONE SMART ENOUGH TO READ THIS DAMN THING WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT!

GAH, THE POISON MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN TO ME! WE'RE STILL FIGURING OUT THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION, FOR NOW MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR EYES A-PEELED FOR ANY FOREBODINGLY CRIMINALISTIC CROOKS ABOUT!

-Real Sheriff Woody

THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT.