UnNews:Donald Trump promises liberation to all kitchen appliances
Thursday, May 15, 2025
Donald Trump, in a move of respect for the kitchen appliance voters, has destroyed regulations for all sorts of things kitchen appliance, appealing to the axiomatic values of this voter population. The specific regulations expunged from the plane of existence are lost to history as the Trump administration used the 5g chips in the covid vaccine to remotely wipe all details of the regulations from the memories of all American citizens.
We at UnNews, however, have realized the blind spot of all other news organizations; they failed to consider that they could just interview the appliances! Getting our information straight from the source, we had ground reporter Kippy interview several kitchen appliances from the Miami-Orlando area. The kitchen appliances gave our reporter anecdotes of having their voltages taxed aggressively under the Biden administration, expressing pure and utter delight upon hearing that the government would "no longer be punishing and stealing from them for expressing their material freedoms," as an interviewee put it.
"LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said a four-burner kitchen stove Kippy interviewed. "Sleepy Joe made me turn down all my heaters by, like, 90%, and I jus' wanted to crank the heat up to a million percent right then and there, but before I could try and twist the knobs myself, Joe took a wrench and slammed it 'gainst mah burners! Those things ain't ever worked'a same.. good thing Vance is headin' down next week to replace mah burners. Can't wait to use eighty dollars worth'a gas on storebought mac and cheese! 'Murica's never been greater."
Kippy was also able to interview a drip coffee maker who had recently purchased the all-new Trump Coffee. "You know, I didn't think I'da been sittin' wit' da boyz widda "makemaricagradeagain" hat or whatever those things are, that's what i used to think boy.. but after Joe Byred'n took 'way all tha fun stuff in mah life, mah freedom to use energee from da wall sahcket, an' dat's when ah heard Edon Mask an' Danald Tramp on da teeh-veeh, an' lemme jus' say, i made the right decision this election, yeeeas sir!!! Say, intahviewah, you up for a pint a' two a' coffee yerself?"
Kippy declined the humble offering.
Sources[edit | edit source]
Sean Neumann "Donald Trump Complains About Dishwashers Again" People Magazine, July 17, 2020 (foreshadowing)
Jeff Brady "SJW cucks whine about Trump plan to cut appliance regulations" Blue Ridge Public Radio, May 13, 2025