UnNews:Elon Musk files for divorce with Donald Trump
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Thursday, June 12, 2025
Elon Musk and Donald Trump, once partners in crime (and sex) are going through a rough patch due to the two men's dispute about cheeses. A leaked recording from a hidden microphone in the White House revealed what may be the conversation that that sent Elon over the edge in his disagreement with Trump. You could say it drove a "wedge" between them (get it?)
A transcript of the event is provided below:
Musk
Donald, I know your skin is the same color as it, but you have no authority over the fact that cheddar cheese is simply the greatest thing ever brought to America. Even better than the sla.. er, workers, we imported to get our work done. You're simply not thinking about this right.Trump
Would you shut the hell up, Elon? I know that there's no way cheddar could ever become a staple of the United States of America, I don't even know why it's here, you see stories of people choking on cheddar, saying it tastes bad, you've heard it, i've heard it, many such cases...Elon
What the fuck has gotten into you, Trump? We're supposed to be running the government like never before, and all of a sudden you're putting more roadblocks in our path to national freedom? What happened to our loving marriage, Trump? Did you even mean it when you said "I do" that day? I bet you didn't, all you care about is your fucking American cheese, doesn't even taste that good..Trump
That's enough, Elon. You're not really talking like an American anymore, how could you even say that American cheese isn't the best, most beautiful cheese you've ever seen? I gave you plenty of chances to change your mind on this, I bailed you out of that shithole continent, you need to stop fucking around and start accepting the truth. True American cheese is the way forward, and if you're just playing this game of radical cheddar indoctrination, our relationship is over! I've had it with this cheddar crap! Nobody even eats that shit unless it's out of courtesy at a dinner or something like that so you don't seem rude, right?...Elon is now blinking back tears.
Elon
Y-you BASTARD! Who's been taking advantage of my sweet trumpy-poo to shift him over to the side of the insane American cheese radicals? American cheese is a LIE! It was made up by the radical left to think there's some kind of food more American than hot dogs and hamburgers! The guys up front are going to have you thrown out of this place if you d-don't start believing in cheddar! Please trump, i... i just... please...Elon starts sobbing uncontrollably and embraces Trump's large belly in a desperate hug. Trump quickly swats Elon away.
Trump
What the hell are you on about man, I know the ketamine was sending you places you've never seen before, but all this shit with cheddar? You know that's just the same shit the Europeans have been gobblin' down their whole lives, you cocksucker. Cheddar's the most boring, most un-American cheese I've ever seen plague this great country, Elon. You're off the fucking rails if you think I'm going to listen to your radical cheddarist propaganda.Elon
That's IT! We are THROUGH, Trump. I'm moving back to my suburban neighborhood, at least the REAL Republicans there know American cheese is a damned lie by those damned liberals. You've swallowed the lie hook, line and sinker, Trump! I can't stand working with someone who's just as unashamedly foolish as you!Trump
Uh, Elon, are you forgetting something?Trump holds up a legal document regarding their marriage, pointing to a clause titled "Divorce Conditions".
Elon
Huh, what's this?... "Under the circumstance that Elon and Trump are to end their marriage with one another, Elon is to be deported like the alien to America he is..." Trump, you didn't actually mean this, righ-MMMMMPPffhhHHhhh!!..h....Elon is chloroformed by an ICE agent and is deported back to South Africa.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Maegan Vazquez "Elon Musk caught endorsing cheddar cheese propaganda on camera" The Washington Post, June 11, 2025