China

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中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国
Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkè Dāngjiā Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó
Republic of Rush Hour 3 Jackie Chan China Edition
FascistChinaFlag.png !0sealofchina.png
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "MADE IN CHINA"
Anthem: March of the (completely voluntary) volunteers
LocationPRChina1.png
Capital Luoyang... wait, no... Chang'an... but now we call it Xian... oh, sorry Xi'an... wait it's Nanjing now... OOOOOHH ouch!... ok now they just moved it to Peiking Beijing...
Largest city Japan
Official language(s) Mao Zedong Speech, Chinglish
Government Communist / Capitalist depending on who you are
‑ Emperor of the pseudo-regime government Xi Jinping
‑ Leader of the official ROC(Taiwan) government Tsai Ing-Wen[1]
‑ God Mao Zedong
‑ Chairman Jackie Chan
Official Cuisine Rice, noodles, rice noodles, durians, rice pudding, baijiu, sticky rice, cigarettes, Tsingtao, more rice, bats
National Hero(es) Mulan, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, George W. Bush, Genghis Khan, Mao Ze Tongue, Hello Kitty, The Chinaman, Samuel Robson Walton, tank man, and Lei Feng
Currency The Kung Fu Dollar, Walmart coupons
Religion Atheism, Taoism, Confucianism, Kungfuism, Corruptionism, Walmarxism, Communism
Population
Counter.gifCounter.gif
Major exports People, gunpowder, bird flu, people, Kung Fu Chicken, people, SARS, Censorship, people, Coronavirus, pollution, people
Major imports used lunch boxes, dewey decimal system, candle wax, owl pellets, and everything
National animal LeBron James
National sport(s) Calligraphy
Drives on Technically right, but wherever you feel like is fine
Mr Deng, tear down this wall!

Ronald Reagan on China

NO! PRC is not the fake China, the only official government of China is ROC government in Taiwan! China is always a part of Taiwan!

Republic of China government in Taiwan

Bouncywikilogo.gif

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about China.

The People's Republic of China (PRC; Simplified Chinese: 中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国, Traditional Chinese: 中國共產黨領導多黨合作制下華夏人民不可當家作主的共和國; Hanyu Pinyin: Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkě Dāngjiā Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó, often abbreviated as Ching Chang Chong Land), Overly Simplified Chinese: You order?, or Big Land, Big Cheeks is a pivotal support mechanism for the United States retail industry.

Everything was invented in China, including gunpowder, paper, the compass, opium, pandas, panda-huffing devices, avian flu, SARS, bat recipes, America's debt, and CCTV. You name it, they invented it before anyone else. The exception is babies, which are mass produced in VaChina.

For centuries China was ruled by a series of dynasties that supplanted each other by scheduled and formal occasion, no bloodshed necessary; that was until some incredible dickhead obsessed with kitten huffing decided to mess things up (you'll read about this douche below).

After a sudden and unexpected five-hour civil war in 1949, the Communists led by the maniacal but adorable Mao Zedong poster hanging on Tiananmen Gate took over China in a sweeping musical revolution known as "The Cool" by Lupe Fiasco. The People's Republic of China has often been at odds with its 20th century nemesis, the American Empire, but ever since 1972 the two countries have grudgingly met together for an annual gift exchange and hand job.

A brief history of Time China

Prehistory

China was founded by a Chinaman named Yellow Emperor in 9999 BC, he taught the Chinese how to plow using a hoe, farm, kung fu, play with fire, and stop, drop and roll.

His scribe, Cangjie, was said to have invented Chinese writing around this time, starting an age of suffering among Chinese children and foreign learners alike. However, this is completely untrue, as the rumours were started to promote Walmart pens and pencils in their marketing campaign (yep, the Chinese invented those too).

This bizarre face on a Shang bronze shows what the Chinese deemed attractive male features at the time. An inscription on the back reads "Aren't I pretty? Kiss me soldier boy!"

Xia Dynasty

Well that would certainly explain the laser eyes.

Oversimplified on the Xia Dynasty not being real

The Xia Dynasty was established by Yu the Great, literally the son of a gun. He stopped a flood with the sophisticated method of digging a few drainage channels beforehand and became king.

The last king of the Xia, Jie, executed anyone who he thought was ugly. He was always carried by two prostitutes, just to annoy his fitness coach. He was finally deposed by Tang of Shang, who started the Shang Dynasty.

The Shang Dynasty (1600–1046 BC)

In this period, the Chinese built large cities and relieved their urges of animal cruelty by burning cracks in tortoise shells and reading the marks. Priests then made predictions based on the pattern of the cracks such as "all your base are belong to us" , "do not want!", and "I burning your dog". They also figured out how to ride in spoke-wheeled chariots in the shape of pimped out Cadillacs by the middle of the dynasty.[2] The Shang Dynasty Chinese crafted brilliant bronzewares at discount prices, and carved jade ornaments in the form of panda bears sexually violating Japanese tourists.

The 'Zhou' Dynasty (1046–256 BC)

Duke Wen of Zhou was a star-studded cowboy in the wild western frontier of China, a Tom Jones impressionist who had a fief based on the peripheral edges of the burgeoning Chinese civilization. His tributary master, King Dixin of Shang, was a stupid ruler and a Dixhead. Dixin once built a gigantic pool of Smirnoff Vodka along with a tower of A1 Wagyu Steak and forced 1,000 midget courtiers to swim, drink, and drown in it (true story). He also forced the Duke of Zhou to pay annual tribute of 10,000 Walmart coupons to the Shang court.

In 1046 BC, Duke Wen of Zhou "had enough of this shit", being unable to buy anything at Walmart as he had to hand his coupons in. In that year, the Duke of Zhou destroyed the Shang Dynasty and Dixin committed suicide by setting fire to his vodka-soaked silk robes while high on marijuana. The Zhou Dynasty would last for 800 years, the longest of any Chinese dynasty.

To commemorate the victory, the rock album I Ching was written shortly afterwards. Listing hundreds of pieces of hard rock, hip-hop, and heavy metal music, it was an instant success and is still performed today.

Warring States of Death (403–221 BC)

The ancient philosopher Confucius (551–479 BC): "It takes lots of wood and bolts to make a crib, but one screw to fill it".

The Western Zhou collapsed after King You of Zhou decided to yell "The barbarians are coming!" to his vassals while putting buckets of water above their doorways as a practical joke. When the barbarians did come, no one was willing to risk their clothes again and the capital was captured.

When the Zhou Dynasty was reestablished, regional strongmen and nobles amassed their own power and started calling themselves kings in an era known as the Warring States of Death, Destruction, Mayhem, Murder, and Infidelity (403–221 BC).

This was an era when war was fought and fluctuating borders came about not through bloodshed and violence, but with a Dance Dance Revolution match. Eventually Shang Yang, the Chancellor from the State of Qin, realized how stupid and ineffective this type of warfare was, and so actually started killing people when the Qin forces showed up to the monthly Dance Dance Revolution get-togethers.

About this time, master Sun Tzu (544–496), author of the Art of War, wrote the lesser known Fart of War, which is hailed as a military classic and the first book to mention the use of siphoned human farts to choke enemy troops to death while sapping under city walls. Other clever tactics include "stick sword in enemy" and "Hey look at the giant distraction over there".

In 479 BC, the philosopher and educator, Confucius, a man responsible for consolidating the guidelines that would shape East Asia, died after choking on a KFC chicken bone. Though his earlier works were hailed as successes, commentators note that as he got older, the old man started to lose clarity. Phrases like: "Confucius says: Kids today don't know they're born", "Confucius says: Take your coat off or you won't feel the benefit", and "Confucius says: I remember when this was all millet fields", fail to make it into final editions of The Analects.[3] They did, however, make it into Oprah's book club listing.

The Qin Dynasty (221–207 BC)

See also: Qin Shi Huang
The result of a failed Qin attempt to capture Medusa alive. To recoup losses, the army was made into an underground art gallery.

In 221 BC, the armies of Qin Shihuang "peacefully liberated" the whole of China for the first time under one Qin Dynasty (221 BC–206 BC), and the government went around relieving citizens of burdensome relics of the old feudal system, such as life, freedom, and happiness.

Qin Shihuang enjoyed playing with Lego and designed many sets himself. However, the life-sized "Great Wall of China" set, containing 3.8 trillion bricks, was slightly too big to fit into the typical house. It was only built once, as part of a Walmart "Work yourself to death" promotional event. Up to 1.5 million people took part, with 180,000 being lucky enough to die one way or another and win a free burial between the bricks of the wall.

The First Emperor died when his Prime Minister Li Si (sponsored by Pepsi) convinced him that mercury-flavoured coke "was one hell of a drink", much more so than 7-up, antifreeze, or even dissolved Tide Pods. His son took over, but he was totally uncool and the Qin Dynasty collapsed shortly afterwards.

Han Dynasty (sometime–220)

The Lius ended up reigning China. No one really cares whatever went on until 200 AD when Mike Liu刘 was born.

The only important Liu刘 is Mike Liu刘. The last Liu六 but Liu刘 not least, he would become the last survivor of the Han people between 1000 and 2000 AD.

In 210 AD, Mike Liu刘 established Zhongguobeijing on the basis of nationalism and communism with Chinese characteristics. The following year, his supporters formed the Chinese division of the Khmer Rouge.

In 220, Zucc led an invasion from the north in response to Mike Liu's throat singing. Mike Liu was assassinated 16 times, and finally escaped to 2020, where he continues to protest for no ice, no war.

Three Kingdoms (220–280)

Yellow Turban propaganda.

After the Han fell, there was this civil war bullshit that lasted 60 years too much. I guess you can say it started in 184 when the Yellow Turbans rebelled. Currently there is too much influence in pop culture from this period of shit. However, the Battle of Red Cliffs was fucking awesome and don't you ever forget that!

Jin Dynasty (280–420)

Then the Jin stole the land from the original Three Kingdoms. They don't deserve a section, those bitches.

The Tang Dynasty (618–907 AD)

The Leshan "Lesbian" Giant Buddha, 71 m (233 ft) in height; construction began in 713 and was completed in 803 to commemorate overweight, freakishly tall and long-eared Buddhist monks everywhere. Modern-day communist China has decided to "update" the statue with a resculpted face of Mao Zedong by 2030.

Li Yuan, a professional arm-wrestler employed in the house of a wealthy military general, learned the tactics of war and overthrew the previous Sui Dynasty, founding the Tang Dynasty in 618. However, Li Yuan (now Emperor Gaozu of Tang) was still such a gigantic pussy that his 5-year-old son Li Shimin overpowered him in a punching match. The latter became Emperor Taizong of Tang, informally known as the "Nicely-Dressed Emperor".[4]

One of the role models of George W. Bush, Taizong invaded every country next to China, and even attempted to invade South America by digging through the Earth. Unfortunately, his shovel broke after 2 minutes and he was forced to rethink his plans.

In 755 AD, at the height of China's "Golden Age", rebels An Lushan and Shi Siming lead an armed uprising against the ruling Tang Dynasty. Disgruntled peasants complained that the government spent too much time and money having passionate affairs and stirring political intrigue in order to attract CCTV producers of television dramas from the future. The Curse of the Golden Flower fails to win a single Oscar nomination at the 2007 Academy Awards, and producers begin to leave the past as audiences demand more modern dramas. The An Lushan rebellion is quickly quelled and the Emperor blames everything on the time-travellers.

The Tang Dynasty fell in 907 after regional military governors known as jiedushi began amassing more power in their own regions. They undermined central authority and broke all taboos, such as "mooning" the emperor, telling the emperor to "fuck off" in front of his ministers, and egging and toilet-papering the walls of the emperor's palace as a hilarious prank and means to show who was the real boss. Finally a man named Zhu Wen, a deoderant-factory supervisor and part-time call girl,[5] became a powerful jiedushi and overthrew the Tang Dynasty after convincing the last Tang emperor that eating hard, concentrated balls of deoderant as medicine was not lethal and had no detrimental effects in the long-run.

The Song Dynasty (960–1279 AD)

Emperor Huizong, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Huizong; after this flamboyant connoisseur of art was captured by the Jurchen invaders in 1126, he spent his days in Jurchen captivity in the north.

The Song Dynasty was founded by Zhao Kuangyin, a Hong Kong actor famed for his brutal martial arts moves.[6] Since none of the would-be regional governor-generals (jiedushi) were a match for these tactics, Zhao Kuangyin scared everybody into following him. Thus the Song Dynasty was born, and everyone was forced to wear funny hats.

From 1125 to 1126, the Jurchens from Manchuria started a war by the command of the Japanese mercenary Tom Cruise–"the last Samurai"–against the Chinese Song Dynasty. The Jurchens were temporarily stopped from invading China by Mulan, but she retired from the army after getting a role in a Disney movie. After Mulan retired, the Chinese armies were helpless and died on site. That was until the Song Dynasty enlisted the aid of the shaolin monks, who used the powers of the ancient Buddhist sect Bjork to chop off Tom Cruise's balls, thus emasculating the enemy Japanese commander.

However, the Jurchens conquered the cold, bitter, northern part of China, forcing the Song court to flee south, rubbing their defeat in their face with annual New Year's gift cards reading "Happy New Year, Pussies! I bet you miss the north, don't you bitches?"[7]

The Jurchens' Jin Dynasty was destroyed by the Mongols in 1234 by Genghis Khan when he finally realized that Tom Cruise was too boyishly-good-looking for him. Kublai Khan won over a lot of the southern Chinese in a propaganda campaign with slogans such as "Mongols and Chinese go together like milk and cereal!", clearly an effort to win over the poor people of China by appealing to them through their daily diet.[8] To win over the rich and affluent members of society, the Mongols promised wine, women, silk, and free tickets to see Crouching Walrus, Shitting Dragon, a popular play staged at the time. To force the Song imperial family into submission, Kublai Khan arm wrestled with the Song emperor, betting that if the Song emperor lost he would hand over southern China to Kublai. The Song emperor lost, and was forced to give up southern China, but Kublai promised the emperor that he would grant him the title, Lord of Southern China. (Doesn't the title lord sound so badass?)

The Yuan Dynasty (1279–1368 AD)

After Kublai Khan conquered all of China in 1279 and created the Yuan Dynasty, Marco Polo arrives in Beijing and brings with him the inventions of spaghetti, ice cream, and gunpowder. Five years later, after investing in the Joint Venture "Sino-Polo Happy Food and Fireworks Factory", a bankrupt Marco leaves China with all his ideas pirated and distributed freely around China. The Mongol government responds to "Venetian protests by saying it was all a "misunderstanding", and Marco "didn't understand the Chinese way".[9]

The Mongol rulers were cruel to the Chinese, torturing them by forcing them to eat milk and cheese (and suffer through lactose intolerance), celebrate Christmas, greet by bowing backwards, and forced them to accept Japanese people as their friends and neighbors, an evil sin in Chinese culture. The latter requirement was only stalled once Kublai realized he could not successfully invade Japan by sea, due to the small matter of constant tsunamis, earthquakes, and nuclear meltdowns. Once the Chinese became tired of Mongol oppression, the iron workers, hydraulic dam workers, and prostitutes' unions began staging protests in demand of higher wages and better working conditions. These led to revolts that the Mongols couldn't quell, since they were too preoccupied with hunting, tent-building, pillaging, and worshipping their chief deity, Chow Yun-Fat.

The Ming Dynasty (1368–1644 AD)

The Great Wall of China, quite possibly the stupidest idea for defense in human history, is a product of the Ming Dynasty; the old Warring States, Qin Dynasty, and Han Dynasty Great Wall was of rammed earth and wooden rampart construction, so did not survive easily.

The Ming Dynasty was founded by a carriage driver and comic book guru named Zhu Yuanzhang, who joined a Buddhist monastery because all of his neighbors refused to take him in.[10] Zhu Yuanzhang joined the Red Turban and Pink Armband Rebellion against the Mongol-led Yuan Dynasty in 1352, happy at last that he was able to kill him some Mongols, yee-haw! In the year 1363, Zhu defeated his arch nemesis and fellow rebel leader Chen Youliang in the Battle of Lake Poyang, but only after Chen had made the fatal decision to equip his navy with "Made in China" swords, which were made of plastic and broke after just a few slashes. Some 600,000 idiots died in this battle because of it. In 1368, Zhu Yuanzhang managed to kick out the last remaining Mongols and renamed himself the Hongwu Emperor, or the "Vastly-Obese Emperor".

In 1405, Admiral Zheng He and his men arrive on the east coast of Africa: a feat accomplished 87 years before Columbus discovered America. Zheng He then proceeded to write a letter to the later Portuguese explorers saying "Got here first bitches!"[11] In reality, the Chinese had been sailing to Africa for centuries, but Zheng really wanted to drive the point home, you know?

The Ming Dynasty ended when a border general named Wu Sangui let the Manchu prince Dorgon through Shanhai Pass due to misfiled paperwork. The Manchus stormed Beijing during an internal rebellion and proclaimed the Shunzhi Emperor the new ruler of China; the people who were still loyal to the Ming Dynasty–such as Adam Sandler–decided it was best to commit suicide rather than submit, and so drove their carriages off of a cliff near Beijing while singing "O'Doyle Rules! O'Doyle Rules!"[12]

The Qing Dynasty (1644–1912)

The Qianlong Emperor writing a poem entitled Ninja Rap: "Yo, it's the Green Machine, gonna rock the town without being seen, have you ever seen a turtle get down? Slammin' Jammin' to the new swing sound." It became a classic in Chinese poetry, "sampled" later by tasteless hacks such as Vanilla Ice.

After Dorgon helped the Shunzhi Emperor snatch the throne in Beijing, the Qing began a long process of conquering Ming remnants, which ended in 1662 when the Qing army lured to last remaining Ming prince to a Metallica concert which was really a Phil Collins show (as anyone knows, the piercing shrill of Phil Collins' voice kills men, women, children, goats, fish, grass, and bacteria within a twelve mile radius).[13]

The Manchus enforced universal dress codes and hairstyles upon the Chinese that were native to the Manchu, such as the Mexican zoot suit and mohawks, which became Chinese stereotypes well into the 1980s.[14] The Qing Dynasty reached its height under the Kangxi (r. 1661–1772), Yongzheng (r. 1722–1735), and Qianlong (r. 1735–1796) emperors, all of whom efficiently ran the empire under a shadow organization of state spies known as the Power Rangers, who could conveniently morph into a Manchu, Chinese, or inconspicuous trashcan at will (those evil bastards!).[15] Evil indeed. Since a lot of Chinese were pissed with the Manchus, the Manchu emperor allowed Han Chinese territories to be govern by Han Chinese governors., but the same emperor also was never potty-trained.

In 1793, Lord MaCartney–a well-known porn celebrity and Austin Powers look-alike in Great Britain–sailed to China and pleaded with the Emperor Qianlong to accept British exports of microwaved vegetarian meals, opium, and kitten huffing products in return for more Chinese tea, which–along with the Sex Pistols–was all the rave back in England. MaCartney's demands weren't met and he returned disheartened to the United Kingdom. However, the British never forgot this slight, and so returned to China in 1840 with a navy led by Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy's navy crushed Chinese resistance once the Chinese realized that their army of bats was no match for Ozzy, who simply bit their heads off and mumbled so low and incoherently due to rabies that Chinese spies listening in could not comprehend his orders.

By 1842, faced against powerful slogans like "Keep China British" and "It's time to euthanise the Sick Man of Asia", feeble catchphrases like "Get high on Confucianism!" fails to win the War on Drugs for the Qing government in their efforts to stamp out opium and kitten huffing.[16] In the aftermath, Hong Kong was ceded to the British, and the Chinese vow to seek revenge by bricking the windows of the British Embassy 125 years later.

Modern era (1912–present)

"Was that a piece of shit floating in the coffee that Lin Biao just served me?" ponders a young Mao Zedong, "Oh well, I'll get him back later; it'll be something to do with planes, for sure". Lin Biao would later be Punk'd by Mao Zedong in a mysterious plane crash on September 13, 1971. What a funny prank on Lin! That'll show him for putting shit in the Chairman's coffee.

In 1911, Sun Yat-sen's new Republic ends nearly 5000 years of imaginary imperial rule. The new Chinese Congress promised to eradicate bad and repetitive jokes within the next five years. "China is a developing country" they remind critics.

In 1949, after years of civil war, Japanese invasion, and national humiliation, a giant portrait painting of Chairman Mao gained control of China. The giant poster wielded power through an army of smaller, photocopied, versions of itself, and promises to rid all China of stamps featuring Queen Victoria and placards of Chiang Kai-Shek. The giant poster of Mao is head of the Chinese Communist Party, which at the time was the biggest, and probably the best, Communist Party in the whole world. The drunken, inept, overweight administration of Mao's ping pong tournament enemy Chiang Kai-shek was forced to flee to the island of Taiwan, where he established the Wal-Mart's Republic of China.

In 1950, while a regiment of the People's Liberation Army was really drunk after attending a Mao-Look-Alike celebration, they decided to stumble into Tibet to find some bars to drink at and some Tibetan girls, and woke up the next morning to find they had killed half the population and slept with the other half (including the men). Well, since they were there and had already struck fear into the hearts of the people with their drunken rage, why not occupy the place and build some giant Mao statues there? Mao was told of the events soon after they unfolded on the ground, and he nodded in approval while yawning, scratching his crotch, and flipping the channel from CCP News to The Andy Griffith Show.

In 1958, Chairman Mao began the Great Leap Forward, which quickly leaps to the top of the BBC's All-Time Best Misnamed Political Campaigns, pushing aside old favorites like Hitler's "Great Hanukah Promotion Drive" and Gandhi's "Let's Kick Their Fucking Heads Open".[17]

In 1966, Mao followed his success with "The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution". The Chinese foresaw a great travesty to mankind, so they then set out on a campaign to destroy The Four Olds: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood. Unfortunately, the hippie movement overtook the Cultural Revolution, and with the death of Mao in 1976 the Chinese were forced to concede that Mozart and Elvis weren't such evil bourgeoisie capitalist pig-dogs afterall.

In 1969, the dreams of Man were realised as Neil Armstrong took his first step on the moon. China responded by stating it too will place a man selling lamb kebabs, t-shirts, and musical lighters. However, US-China relations improved when President Richard Nixon visited China in 1972, ending years of hostilities on whether Star Wars or Star Trek was better.

Richard Nixon and Chairman Mao finally come to a compromise on the Star Wars/Star Trek divide.

On June 4th, 1989, according to the official records of the CCBP (Chinese Communist Block Party), on this day the sun was shining, so Deng Xiaoping decided to have a nice picnic with his friends out in the countryside. On the way home, he saw a cute kid selling homemade lemonade by the roadside, so he bought six glasses for only one yuan each, and then gave the kid a shiny button to take home. Oh, and some student in Tiananmen Square made some graffiti that was cleaned up by authorities soon after. Nothing to see here, nothing to see at all! Move along folks.

In 1997, the comet Hale-Bopp graced the heavens in one of the most beautiful sights ever to appear upon the celestial basin in recent years. Angry that the arrival of the comet was diverting media attention from the upcoming handover of Hong Kong, Deng Xiaoping passed away in a pathetic face-saving attempt to bring global attention back to China.[18] The trick was a success, and none less that Dame Edna Everage himself arrived in Hong Kong to preside over the handover ceremony.

In 2000, Beijing authorities greeted the arrival of the Olympic committee by painting the grass green and removing all the tramps off the streets. Six weeks later, Beijing authorities greeted the arrival of the Eurovision Song Contest committee by painting the grass brown again, bringing the tramps back in, and letting them run wild on crack cocaine.[19]

Military

China's newest secret weapon, the LiPeng1000, unleashed upon the crowds at Tiananmen Square in an experiment upon expendable peasants to test the device's destructive force before applying it to real war. Beware!

Nuclear missile program

China has exactly 1,000 nuclear bombs aimed at the U.S.A.! Run for your life! 0 nuclear warheads at its disposal, which it plans never plans to use for destroying the world at any minute feng shui garden arrangements as decorative items amongst rock sculptures and marble Mao Zedong busts. China plans to sell nuclear warheads to Iran for a measly five yuan a piece hand over any possible nuclear warheads to the UN on January 1, 2060, with a big greeting sign that will read "Get ready to die, Yanky pig-dog slime...I will kill you until you die from it!" "You're welcome". But still, its effectiveness is questioned, after all it is still made in Cheena.

Four Great Inventions

The Chinese invented Maozilla, so that Mao could live on, in freakish form, his only vulnerability being the cooked explosion of kosher meat from Israeli missiles.

The Four Great Inventions were inventions from Ancient China that revolutionized civilization. These are toilet paper, gumpowder, the compass, and copypasting.

Toilet paper

Through the Shang and early Zhou Dynasties, most people had to use cut bamboo stalks to clean themselves, while the nobility used expensive silk. Looking for a material softer to the skin, prototype toilet paper made from hemp was found in Xi'an, dated to 87BC.

Toilet paper was traditionally said to have been invented in 105AD, when Han Dynasty official Cai Lun. He mashed mulberry leaves with other ingredients to create what he create the first version of toilet paper. Being much lighter and taking up less space than bamboo, it was used extensively from the Han Dynasty onwards.

Eventually, other types of paper such as tissue paper and writing paper were made. Although the former had some success, the latter did not catch on and remains a speciality product to this day.

The technique for manufacturing toilet paper was passed on to the Muslims by papermakers captured at the Battle of Talas, where it quickly replaced local materials such as dried cactus and hedgehog-skin. They discovered a way to make toilet paper even thicker, stronger, and softer, and introduced it to Europe through trade in the 13th century. Widely considered as one of the most important inventions in human history, toilet paper improved the health and happiness of millions of people.

Gumpowder

Alchemists trying to create the elixir of life came across gumpowder as an unwanted waste product. After adding water, this powder would swell into a sticky, chewable solid. Different flavours could be made by adding other chemicals, for example arsenic for spearmint and hydrogen cyanide for strawberry. These recipes were so successful that they are still used by most manufacturers today.

Although originally used during festivals, large numbers of gums were used by the Song Dynasty army when fighting the Mongols. Gummen with protective shields would fire and stick mongol horsemen to the ground, while infantry finished them off. The recipe was later refined for maximum stickiness.

The Compass

The love of adorable penguins led the Chinese to design the first compass, which pointed South towards the nearest baby penguin. Only later, when polar bear memes became popular, did the compass point North.

Copypasting

The Chinese developed woodblock copypasting on paper during the 7th century AD. This technique required a craftsman to carve the desired characters into a flat piece of wood with a ctrl-C. The woodblock can then be used to quickly print books by using ctrl-V with it on a piece of paper. This technique was much more suited to Chinese characters than movable type, and was replaced by it only in the 20th century. The first dated copypasted book is the Diamond Sutra in 868BC, which entirely consists of text from a Wikipedia article and a few stock images of the Buddha.

Demographics

Since China has become so overpopulated, the government has come up with the solution of the One-Child-Policy as well as the lesser-known Crush-At-Least-One-Man-Daily-With-A-Tank policy.

As of the census of 2007, there were 51,478,229,653,775,206 people, 614,609,874,589,226 households, and 2 families residing in China. The population density was 8,573,389/km² (22,204,975/mi²). The racial makeup of China was 138.72% Chinese (If they aren't Han Chinese, let's make them!), 890% undead monsters, 1337% nunchucks, 94.04% Communist, 1.23% Hong Kongese, 0.1% Minnesotan, 0.0000002% Uighurs (Turks who think they black, but they ain't), 0.00068% Falun Gong and -22.1% Capitalist, 666% Rise Against fans, and 0.00006% from five or more races. 61.32% of the population were Bon Jovi fans of any race. There were so many people so most of the damn lot decided to imigrate to BC, Canada, and be the majority of the population.

There were 14,609,874,589,226 households out of which 14,609,874,589,210 had children under the age of 18 living with them, 14,609,874,589,212 were married couples living together, 2 had a female householder with no husband present, and 14 were non-families. 0.00000005% of all households were made up of individuals and 0.00% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 334,259,880,542,667.89 and the average family size was 335,117.23 despite the "one child per family" rule.

In China the population was spread out with 33.33% under the age of 18, 25.33% from 18 to 24, 4.34% from 25 to 44, 1.25% from 45 to 64, and 35.75% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 117 years. For every 100 females there were 489.53 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 26.23 males.

Typical Chinese signs warn tourist not to confront the spirits of the dead ancients. This is Lu Bu, who pwned lotsa faggots in his time.

The median income for a household in the country was $64 per year, and the median income for a family was $51 per year. Males had a median income of $15 versus $0.04 for females. The per capita income for the country was $2.99. 102.85% of the population and 389.56% of families were below the poverty line. 491.25% of those under the age of 18 and 0.13% of those 65 and older were living below the poverty line. Special food rations were given out to the Republic of China after the great hippo brother Extethior fed the world with pancake juices with runs the line along Samuel L Jacksons plot to conquer China, but DEUS EX MACHINA occurred.

If every person in China jumped at the same time, all homosexuals would become straight, and Hulk Hogan would be able to time travel. It has also been known to cause global earthquakes and scientists speculate that early China people may have had something to do with the Dinosaur extinction. The people of China to western eyes all appear to be the same (which is why the Chinese know each other as "The Thousand Thousand Same-Look People of Wise Virtue Who no Rikee").

Because all Chinese people look exactly the same, when they encounter someone who is not Chinese they tend to laugh hysterically, point and stare. Since the government forced all Chinese to learn English they will also shout "HARRO", or "Gook maoing" at foreigners. This phenomenon is known as the "HARRO factor" and can lead foreigners to suffer temporary insanity after some time in China.

Foreign opinion on the Chinese population is generally good, though Chinese hate everybody, especially ghosts, people who live in the Republic of China (Taiwanese), and farmers near big cities. But the Russians feel that they are still stuck in the Stalinist Stage (comes right after the Anal Stage), so they feel superior. The Americans may now like them because they learned to love SUV's and pollution, but this is undetermined as no-one has deciphered the meaningless drivel yet, despite the discovery of the Roosevelt Stone in Southern Arkansas. The Japanese are never asked, and rightly so, because no-one speaking English would understand the answer.

Economy

It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.

Deng Xiaoping on which cat to buy at the pet store

A typical Chinese-based American product.

After the economic disaster of the Cultural Revolution, China began tentatively to embrace capitalism much like an awkward teen clumsily feels up his first girlfriend.

Deng's advice worked. China opened its doors, and foreign investment poured into the country. China's economy took off, and more people were lifted out of poverty than ever before in human history – or at least since the UN clerical error that caused Mexico to briefly dissolve in the summer of 1985.

Due to the robust Chinese economy, the gap between the super-poor and the dirt-poor is expanding. According to uncited sources at Wikipedia, 80 percent of the Chinese will be only dirt-poor, while 20 percent will remain super-poor. This is a change from 1995 when 110 percent of Chinese were too poor for words.

The Chinese is economy is much more than low-cost products. Most of the world's fine and authentic cat and dog furs are manufactured in China. China is also a major producer of bear bile from happy, live black bears for sophisticated medical use, as well as the popular Apple iPod.

See also

Notes

  1. Chinese for "Tortoise English Language", seriously
  2. That's right, the Chinese even had Cadillacs first, so deal with it. (Joseph Needham's Science and Civilization 4, Part 112, How the Chinese Invented Everything Before the West Did So You Might As Well Get Used To it, Bitch. Printed in 1966 by Cambridge University Press: The Damn Right, You Better Believe That Shit Division)
  3. Buddha. (504 BC). Confucius was a Snob: How Buddhism Totally Owns His Senile, Erudite Philosophy. New Delhi: The Hindu Nationalist Extremist Press. Page 12.
  4. Sima, Guang. (1085). Zizhi Tongjian. Kaifeng: The Kosher Kaifeng Jewish Press. Page 485.
  5. Jiang, Zemin. (1998). A History of Zhu Wen, the Male Prostitute Who Became an Emperor and Shortly Afterwards the Janitor for the Imperial Palace. Beijing: The People's Cultural Prostitution Revolution Press. Page 234.
  6. Zhao, Ziyang. (1995). Zhao Kuangyin: The One Mother Fucker You Should Definitely Stay Away From In a Fist Fight. Taipei: The Mainland-Haters Press. Page 232.
  7. Li, Peng. (1996). Enemy Pen Pals: The Juvenile Insults Made by the Song and Jin Courts. Nanjing: We're-Better-Than-Shanghai Press. Page 117.
  8. Which also included Big Macs, fried chicken, and caviar, when the latter was still known as a poor man's food.
  9. Zhu, Rongji. (2002). Marco Polo is Not Welcome Back to China Until He Realizes That We Will Not Cower Down Before His Capitalist Pig-Dog Demands for Copyrights. Beijing: The People's Liberation from Liberation Press. Page 339.
  10. Wen, Jiabao. (2003). Zhu Yuanzhang and His Smelly Asshole. Beijing: The Committee to Investigate the History of Smelly Anuses. Page 445.
  11. Hu, Yaobang. (1985). Zheng He and His Non-Stop, Frat-Boy Foreign Slumber Parties of Sex With Exotic Natives In Foreign Devil Places Outside of China. Chongqing: The Mariner's Peg-Leg Press. Page 647.
  12. The Chinese movie called Billy Madison (1995) covers this event thoroughly.
  13. Collins, Phil. (2008). The Phil Collins Travel Diaries in China: The Chinese Are Just Dying To See Me!. Baghdad: Hang the Infidel By His Ball Sack Press. ISBN 666-The-Devil-X-X-X-9.
  14. This style of dress and haircut faded away in China with the arrival of Emo, now the most common form of dress and hairstyle.
  15. Be careful, they could morph into your computer at any moment!
  16. Chen, Yun. (1994). British Foreign Devils, Evil Manchus, Capitalist Pig-Dogs, and the Opium Temptress. Beijing: The Glorious State Department of Propaganda and Rubber Toys. Page 2.
  17. Attenborough, David. (1992). The Boring, Yawning, Terribly-Miserable BBC Documentaries of World Affairs in the 20th Century. London: Goddamn This is Boring Press. Page 11,245.
  18. Christ, Jesus. (1994). Deng Xiaoping: The Reformer Who Unselfishly Gave His Life and Should Be Revered More Than Me, Jesus, Even to the Extent That He Replace Me On the Image of the Cross. Fuzhou: The People's Hatred for All-Things-Japanese Press. Page 178.
  19. Stern, Howard. (2007). Bums, Crack-Whores, Porn-Peddlers, and Midgets: My Visit to China as the Premier Radio Host of American Values. Chicago: The Low-Life Scumbag Good-For-Nothing Press. Page 211.
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