Cyberpunk 2077
“Choom? Gonk? Whatever happened to friend?”
– Oscar Wilde on Technobabble
“HAAAAAAANK! HANK, DON'T ABBREVIATE CYBERPUNK! HAAAANK!”
– Everyone on CP 2077
Cyberpunk 2077 is an action packed piece of malware and half baked code masquerading as a video game developed by CD Projeckt Purple (CD-pp) about people jamming various pieces of metal and plastic in their heads and the resulting fallout from those choices. Released on December 10th of 2020, it made an already miserable year far more miserable for all those who had caught COVID-19 and also spent the $60-70[1] for the pre-order to the game. Dubbed "Cyberbug 2077" or "Cybertrash 2077" by the very literate and creative denizens of Twitter and/or Reddit, it somehow managed to weather the storm of shit that encircled it and has now sold over 30 million copies worldwide. The game itself is very unremarkable outside of stress testing your GPU for no other reason than they were too lazy to optimize it, and it is full of endless fetch quests just like your average Ubisoft game. However, fans of its publisher will rage and scream if any ill word is spoken of the game, even as their PC catches fire due to the pretty awful looking maxed out ray tracing on some chick's chrome crop top reflecting the lights from their cyber-car in the cyber-city. Modern critics have called it a "retrospective on the future," where everything is covered in flashing lights yet still somehow extremely boring, and the only fun you'll ever get is by sticking a flashlight directly in your face and tripping balls.
"Gameplay"[edit | edit source]
You're telling me there's a game under all these cut scenes? Oh right. CP's gameplay is very basic RPG-esque nonsense. It consists of you using the WASD keys and sometimes the space bar to maneuver your streetkid/corpo-rat/nomad around the extremely lifeless and empty map called Night City. Occasionally you will have to pull out various weapons to neutralize "threats" to your sanity by mag dumping all your ammo into their heads. Unfortunately, everyone is a bullet sponge, and will require you to endless blast them in the head as they just stand there plunking away at you. The boss battles consist of extra spongy characters that had their movement speed doubled or tripled, and that makes them "hard." A few grenades always puts them in their place.
Body Mods[edit | edit source]
One semi unique feature of Cyberpunk is the body modification system. Instead of your typical skill tree, you can just pay money to have your character augmented. This is very easy to do, as money is very easy to get. For being a 5 year old game, they still haven't fixed many, if any, of the exploits. Oh, there is also a skill tree (of course) but it is completely avoidable, and most people never even use it as the game is just that easy to beat.
Dem Weppins'[edit | edit source]
Another big focus of the game is the weapons system. Being the year 2077, all guns are produced cheaply[2] and every single one is different than the others. This results in a knockoff Borderlands style tiered weapons system, with commons, rares, and legendaries. They all suck at the end of the day, no matter what the damage number is, and they feel like they're launching pillows and rainbows at enemies rather than bullets.
Driving Simulator[edit | edit source]
Next, the driving. It's 2077 and the only flying cars are the few seen in cut scenes. The rest are really shitty shitboxes that look like the thing you see in your neighbors driveway: a clapped out Honda Civic with an aftermarket light bar and a horrible paint job[3]. All of the vehicles handle like drunken donkeys in a demolition derby, and the slightest bump or scrape will cause them to crumple like tin cans. Thank God there is a fast travel system, because every part of the game that demands you get behind the wheel takes several years off of your life.
Customization[edit | edit source]
Finally: it's a choose your own adventure! A big selling point of the game was that the choices mattered. Unfortunately, they sorta don't and just serve to pad the runtime by forcing you to click on optional speech bubbles like you're playing some $10 anime dating simulator off of Steam. Most of your favorite characters including yourself die regardless of the choices picked, you just get to chose how they go.
Synopsis[edit | edit source]
Life sure is boring as a streetkid/corpo-rat/nomad. Woah, I got this chip while out committing crime, so I put it in my head. OMG I died! Chip brought me back? Now there's a dude in my head that wants me to go smash hoes. The dude is a terrorist!? Now I'm a terrorist. Oh, the game is over.
Plot[edit | edit source]
Base Game[edit | edit source]
CP opens with you as one of the three generic starting options, each one not mattering at all and all of them ending with you in the same place after some mild piddling around in your job-designated area.
The year is 2077, and Young Thug lookalike Famous Dex "da" Shawn hires V and illegal border-crosser Jackie to steal a potato chip called "the Relic" from the Microsoft Corporation. Unfortunately, nobody who is a part of the heist is anything more than a common criminal, and breaking into the most powerful corporation was bound to cause trouble for even the best. During their escape after (naturally) getting caught while hiding behind a TV and watching some guy kill some other guy, Jackie is mortally wounded by a DJI drone wielding a shotgun and the Lay's chip bag holding the Relic is damaged after they fall off a roof, which for some reason ends with V cramming the chip into their head when Jackie hits ctrl-f4. Famous Dex, mad that he didn't get to taste the forbidden potato chip, uses the most powerful weapon in the game to one-tap V and send them to the shadow realm.
V awakens in a dump, and is immediately mentally assaulted by a psychopathic terrorist named Johnny Silverdick. Johnny was a shit terrorist and amateur guitar player, and V gets to watch a highlight reel of him setting of a nuclear bomb in the Microsoft hotel lobby after getting refused a refund. V is then rescued by some wannabe ninja, Goro, who is all up in arms about the dude they saw get killed while stealing the potato chip. Goro pops a cap in Famous Dex's ass, and also gets mad that he can't hear the TV while at a restaurant in one of the cut scenes of all time! It's really funny if you let him keep ranting! V goes to their personal doctor to have the chip removed, but he can't do that without turning it into chip dust which will pollute their brain, and he also realizes that the chip is turning V into Johnny. Johnny, kinda pissed he is still somehow alive but trapped in the body of some rando, decides he will "help" V by taking down Microsoft, taking control of them at the most inopportune moments, and making them have unskippable cough scenes every few minutes.
Working with Goro, V goes on a lot of random trips around Night City, killing goobers partying on rooftops and under bridges, and looting every single piece of trash in order to sell for a few bucks. V goes to a strip club to "jack in or jack off" and accidentally chooses the wrong dancer because the choice screen is after the screen with images so naturally you forget who is who. V then discovers the Relic was going to be used by a gang called the Voodoo Boys who wanted Johnny's silver-dicked virtual avatar to reach beyond the internet firewall so they could gain access to really naughty stuff on the internet being gate kept by Johnny's girlfirned.
There is then some lame backstory where Johnny's girlfriend creates some program that can upload the brain into the cloud, and after finishing it, the big mean Microsoft corporation naturally uploads her brain into the cloud so she can work on releasing Microsoft Word 2079. Johnny doesn't like this at all as he still uses Word 2010, and goes to ask for her back. Due to their "No Refunds" policy, Microsoft was unable to give her back or provide compensation for his loss. This pissed him off so badly that he let off an atomic fart in the lobby, resulting in the death of many and creating a toxic wasteland where the lobby once stood. Johnny didn't die from his nuclear flatulence, so he is arrested and uploaded to the cloud as well. The fart also messed with the computers so badly that Johnny's girlfriend was able to escape her digital prison and run off to the dark web. V plugs themself into a USB port and visits Johnny's girlfriend, who promises V that she can separate V and Johnny if V can give her access back to the Microsoft Cloud... that she left in the first place.
Meanwhile, Goro has decided to go to the Microsoft executives to submit a formal complaint, but V and him instead end up capturing Hanako Microsofto, the sister of the dude who killed the other dude in the beginning, and V is forced to skedaddle after Microsoft security arrives and tries to question what they are doing on their property with no security badge, visitor pass, or valid ID. Following their removal from Microsoft HQ grounds, Hanako reaches out to V and offers to help them in exchange for removing the dude who killed the other dude from his position at Microsoft.
In the final act, V can choose to either assault Microsoft Tower or accept Hanako's offer. "Alternatively," siding with Hanako has her become the new CEO and sees Microsoft remove the Relic from V's head. No matter what paths you take, V gets to defeat Adam Smasher, the physical embodiment of Microsoft CoPilot, in a really easy boss fight at this point[4]. Unfortunately, even though it was removed, the effects and brain damage stemming from keeping a greasy potato chip inside their head proves to have lasting consequences for V. This leaves the player with a final "choice." V can either upload themself to the Microsoft Cloud to wait for a new body, live on in their current body with a shortened lifespan, or permanently surrender their body to Johnny so he can get busy smashing hookers and blowing up McDonald's bathrooms. No matter what choice is chosen, V is toast.
DLC[edit | edit source]
The DLC for the game functions as a sort of alternate ending that still really doesn't fit in the game story logically but whatever. The DLC begins with V getting a message from some loser trying to recreate 9-11 in a place called 'Dogtown', but their plan failed and they instead are just crashing into the ground. Turns out the president of the NUSA (Not United States of America) is on board along with some squeaky pink haired character named Song "Songbird" So Mi who may or may not be a Korean spy. Songbird inevitably gets lost while using Apple Maps, and so V enlists the help of some wannabe CIA agents to track her down. They discover shes been "captured" by some loser named Kurt, but turns out she was the one behind the plane crash to begin with and was going to steal the Matrix of Leadership from Optimus Prime to give to Kurt to increase his Xbox gamerscore by at least +100. Apparently this Matrix can cure either V's brain infestation from Johnny Silverdick AND cure Songbird's brain from its infestation by mean AIs. Songbird then gives V a ring on the phone and asks that she gets help to leave Kurt and NUSA. V meets up with Songbird at Kurt's stadium where they open up the Matrix of Leadership. V can either help Songbird or be a total turd and hand her over to the CIA agents. If she chooses to help, there is an attempt to shoot Songbird at the moon for some reason, but the NUSA army shows up to put a stop to the fun before Reed is domed and Songbird is sent off. Songbird reveals that she was going to use the Matrix of Leadership for herself and let V die, so V is left with the choice to still be nice or again turn her over to the CIA. If V is nice, Songbird gets sent to live on the moon and credits roll. If V is mean, she passes her over to Reed and Songbird is essentially forced into eternal slavery to the NUSA. If she is turned in back at the first option that takes places in the stadium, she goes psycho-bananas and gets caught by the uber-police. V has to rescue her from the police convoy, but she then goes to some bunker where she has her personal laptop to connect with the place that has been leaking AIs into her head. A spider like robot then chases you are around the facility like its trying to recreate Alien Isolation, all the while you unplug and break random computer components to stop the mean AIs from turning Songbird's head into soup. Turns out her brain is already literal soup at this point due to their meddling, so V can either end her and save her the pain of being used like a lab rat by the NUSA, or she they can be a dick and hand her over AGAIN to the CIA. If V hands her over, NUSA is happy and allows Optimus Prime to use the Matrix of Leadership to permanently remove the potato chip lodged in her head. This gets rid of Johnny FINALLY but has the negative consequence of not being able to use any sort of combat skills and Songbird tells you her new fate is worse than death. If V literally and figuratively pulls the plug, Songbird happily croaks, Reed gets mad, Myers gives you a measly 5k, and credits roll. Seriously, 10/10 expansion and I have nothing but praise, but what's with this game and its insistence on horrible tragic endings no matter what you do?
Characters[edit | edit source]
V (Valerie/Vincent) - V is the main character, or at least is supposed to be, but due to the fact that Keanu Reeves voices Johnny Silverdick and Johnny is also more or less the 'hero' of the overarching story, V is realistically just a vessel that whines, complains, and gets shot at. V has three starting options for their life story. First is that of Streetkid. In this story, V grows up on the street, and gets along by stealing cars after returning from Atlanta. In the Corpo-rat story, V is some random business schmuck who throws up in a sink and then flies to a bar and immediately kills some basketball players. In the third story, V is a nomad, which is code word for broke bitch in the desert. V gets harassed by the cops, climbs some cell phone tower, and then illegally crosses the border. V then proceeds to get involved with Jackie, and the main story then begins.
Johnny Silverdick - Named after the bionic replacement organ below his waist, Johnny is the real "hero" of CP 2077. Johnny used to be a rockstar, but after his computer science major girlfriend got into trouble with Microsoft, he turned into a terrorist. After getting busted, he lives on inside of a potato chip that is inside V's head. He will eventually take over V's body completely, or get sent to the Microsoft Cloud in the end.
Jackie Welles - Jackie is was an amazing specimen, and also the character with the most glitches associated to them. Jackie has had several powers including telepathy, extreme ab strength, and a hidden gun implanted in his cranium. Jackie gets wiped fairly quickly from the face of the earth after getting shot while standing out in the open.
Goro Taco - Goro is was the personal bodyguard of some high up guy who gets killed by another high up guy at Microsoft early in the game. Goro rescues V from the dump, drives while getting attacked by the worst ninjas of all time, and then gets mad when he cannot hear the TV. He then might die if you open the door at his apartment, but you can also just not let him die. Who knows what happens to him after that.
Panem Palmer - OH, HELLO!
T-Bug - Just like a real bug, got squished by a problem bigger than expected. She was originally the quest giver for V and co.
Evelyn Parker - Used to be an E-girl, overheard some gangsters talking about the Relic, organized a heist, and then ended herself after things went wrong and she got messed up. Maybe not in that exact order, I forget. V gets to go through her memories via lights flashing in her retinas, because being disrespectful to suicide victims is cool.
Viktor Vektor - Cousin of Vector from Despicable Me, Viktor took the less insane life path and ended up becoming a doctor. Ok, well maybe not completely sane, as he rips body parts off and replaces them with bits of metal.
Judy Alvarez - Less attractive than Panem, but romanceable, so that's a dub for the lads.
Meredith Stout - Some high level Militech goon, does goon-ish stuff and sometimes helps out V and the gang. Hates Microsoft. Apparently is romanceable, but only by highly submissive players.
Delamain - Half car, half bald white Walmart mannequin, Delamain drives around an expensive bulletproof car for V and the gang. Can apparently buy alcohol all on his lonesome.
Hanako Microsofto - The daughter of the O.G. CEO of Microsoft who got murked in the early part of the game, Hanako is a skilled hacker and that one person we all left hanging at Embers for a few weeks while we tried to find ways to hit on Panem.
Mr. Hands - After delving into crime ages ago due to a mistake with a horse, Mr. Hands became one of the primary crime bosses in Night City, frequently working with V to expand his influence.
Adam Smasher - The self-titled cyborg was originally a regular street boxer until a car accident left him in dire need of surgery. Due to him having no money, they rebuilt him using old dish washer parts. Self conscious about his origins, he then proceeded to smash everyone in his path to become the personal bodyguard of that one dude who killed the old dude in the beginning of CP. He eventually gets ground to a pulp in 20 seconds by V in the endgame after hours spent hyping him up.
Song "Songbird" So Mi - AKA shawty, AKA fyne shyt, is a hacker working for the NUSA who's brain was implanted with centuries worth of AI generated slop. (Spoiler) Unfortunately has nothing but really tragic endings.
Solomon Reed - Heimdall got tired of watching some stupid gate in Asgard and decided to work as a CIA agent on earth. Ends up dead or with a boring desk job depending on your choices.
Rosalind Myers - The president of the NUSA, a gigantic moron, and someone we all should probably have left to die in dogtown.
Alena (Alex?) Xenakis - Someone who does stuff in the DLC, she's on screen a whole lot but I can't remember a thing she does. Sounds Greek but isn't. Gets killed by Kurt if you betray Songbird in the stadium.
Kurt - Clearly a guy whose parents hated him because who the heck names their kid Kurt? Serves as an antagonist in the DLC and gets wiped by V or Alena depending on the choices V makes.
That One Dude Who Got Killed Early On - This guy was apparently the original Leader/CEO of Microsoft, and during a heist, V and Jackie witness him getting killed by a sibling who then takes charge. He is Hanako's daddy, and she is pretty mad that he got killed.
Angel - IT SOUNDED LIKE A GIRL'S NAME OK?
Skye - I'm just saying, if they want my business, they should be more descriptive about their offers...
John Cyberpunk - The man himself, THE cyber punk.
In Game Locations[edit | edit source]
Night City[edit | edit source]
The main location where the game takes place, Night City is what happens to Los Angeles (no, apparently this is in Northern Cali?) when you let the crackheads run the street and the corporations run the politics. Owned by a triad of big corpos (Milftech, Microsoft, and Zonk or something), Night City is a Free City where the NUSA has no hold and therefore is riddles with crime and various gangs. It has frequent issues with cyber psychos and regular psychos on the daily, and the way to see its most famous residents is to go to your local graveyard.
Pacifica[edit | edit source]
One of the regions of NC where you spend a lot of the early game getting lost in, committing crimes in, and generally learning to despise it just like its in-game residents do.
Heywood[edit | edit source]
Aside from sounding like me talking to my dick every morning when i rise, this is where V starts out if you choose the Streetkid starting option. Full of Chachos and Nachos, it is a criminal heaven. Oh wait, the whole city is. Well it's one of the more crime ridden ones, and is sort of quasi-ran by a guy who thinks he is some sort of religious leader as well as a hardcore gangster grandpa.
Microsoft Tower[edit | edit source]
The main HQ of Microsoft in the area, Microsoft Tower was originally nuked by Johnny Silver-dick way back in 2030 or around then, and then was rebuilt identically later to continue development on more insidious programs Microsoft could then sell at an even larger monthly premiums to its subscribers. Is a main location in the early game when V and gang try to steal the forbidden potato chip which is kept on the top floor. Can be assaulted in the end game as one of the ending choices.
Dogtown[edit | edit source]
Dogtown is a place where there are zero dogs, and also where the entire DLC takes place. Consisting of a blown up football stadium, two big towers, a lot of cranes, and rubble decorated with palm trees, Dogtown is ran by some dork named Kurt. After Kurt gets murked, it is suggested that it is ran by a crony before being overtaken by a certain Mr. Hands. Dogtown has almost constant air traffic consisting of crashing presidential spaceships, illegal drop-offs, and big giant floating ships that don't do anything.
Cyberpunk Edgerunners[edit | edit source]
As with all good things, capitalism arrived quickly to... well, capitalize on it. Utilizing the funds generated from suckers like me, CD-pp was able to hire an anime production studio that then went on to make one of the most bat-shit insane shows ever to be played on a screen. The story follows some guy named David who comes into possession of some military technology which he then uses to royally fuck shit up before getting his own shit fucked up. Oh, and there's the requisite insanely hot anime waifu, Lucy, plus a few other side characters who all get obliterated on screen in horrific ways just for the pure shock value. Cyberpunk with the awful endings again... for fucks sake, STOP! Season two is in production as of late 2025.
In the Future[edit | edit source]
C'oiba Punk 2088[edit | edit source]
Set to take place in Melbourne, the New Confederation of Auzraylianis, it is suggested that it will follow the story of a crocodile tamer turned netrunner caught up in illegal stingray dealings between the NUSA and the NCA.
Apocapunk 3033[edit | edit source]
Taking place far into the future after nuclear ware wipes most of the planet off the face of the earth. Night City is a hotbed for radioactive emissions, causing most of its residents to become mutated creatures. Will essentially play like COD Zombies but with more flashing lights.
