Cyberpunk 2077
“Choom? Gonk? Whatever happened to friend?”
“HAAAAAAANK! HANK, DON'T ABBREVIATE CYBERPUNK! HAAAANK!”
Cyberpunk 2077 is an action packed piece of malware and half baked code masquerading as a video game. Released on December 10th of 2020, it made an already miserable year far more miserable for all those who had caught COVID-19 and also spent the $60-70[1] for the pre-order to the game. Dubbed "cyberbug 2077" or "cybertrash 2077" by the very literate and creative denizens of twitter and/or reddit, it somehow managed to weather the storm of shit that encircled it, and has now sold over 30 million copies worldwide. The game itself is very unremarkable outside of stress testing your GPU for no other reason than they were too lazy to optimize it, and it is full of endless fetch quests just like your average Ubisoft game. However, fans of its publisher will rage and scream if any ill word is spoken of the game, even as their PC catches fire due to the pretty awful looking maxed out ray tracing on some chick's chrome crop top reflecting the lights from their cyber-car in the cyber-city. Modern critics have called it a "retrospective on the future," where everything is covered in flashing lights yet still somehow extremely boring, and the only fun you'll ever get is by sticking a flashlight directly in your face and tripping balls.
"Gameplay"[edit | edit source]
You're telling me there's a game under all these cut scenes? Oh right. CP's gameplay is very basic RPG-esque nonsense. It consists of you using the WASD keys and sometimes the space bar to maneuver your streetkid/corpo-rat/nomad around the extremely lifeless and empty map called Night City. Occasionally you will have to pull out various weapons to neutralize "threats" to your sanity by mag dumping all your ammo into their heads. Unfortunately, everyone is a bullet sponge, and will require you to endless blast them in the head as they just stand there plunking away at you. The boss battles consist of extra spongy characters that had their movement speed doubled or tripled, and that makes them "hard." A few grenades always puts them in their place.
Body Mods[edit | edit source]
One semi unique feature of Cyberpunk is the body modification system. Instead of your typical skill tree, you can just pay money to have your character augmented. This is very easy to do, as money is very easy to get. For being a 5 year old game, they still haven't fixed many, if any, of the exploits. Oh, there is also a skill tree (of course) but it is completely avoidable, and most people never even use it as the game is just that easy to beat.
Dem Weppins'[edit | edit source]
Another big focus of the game is the weapons system. Being the year 2077, all guns are produced cheaply[2] and every single one is different than the others. This results in a knockoff Borderlands style tiered weapons system, with commons, rares, and legendaries. They all suck at the end of the day, no matter what the damage number is, and they feel like they're launching pillows and rainbows at enemies rather than bullets.
Driving Simulator[edit | edit source]
Next, the driving. It's 2077 and the only flying cars are the two seen in cut scenes. The rest are really shitty shitboxes that look like the thing you see in your neighbors driveway: a clapped out Honda Civic with an aftermarket light bar and a horrible paint job[3]. All of the vehicles handle like drunken donkeys in a demolition derby, and the slightest bump or scrape will cause them to crumple like tin cans. Thank God there is a fast travel system, because every part of the game that demands you get behind the wheel takes several years off of your life.
Customization[edit | edit source]
Finally: it's a choose your own adventure! A big selling point of the game was that the choices mattered. Unfortunately, they don't, ever, at all, and just serve to pad the runtime by forcing you to click on optional speech bubbles like you're playing some $10 anime dating simulator off of Steam. NOTHING really matters because the story happens the way it does, and the main character is more or less cooked.
Synopsis[edit | edit source]
Life sure is boring as a streetkid/corpo-rat/nomad. Woah, I found a chip while out committing crime, so I put it in my head. OMG I died! Chip brought me back? Now there's a dude in my head that wants me to go smash hoes. The dude is a terrorist!? Now I'm a terrorist. Oh, the game is over.
Plot[edit | edit source]
CP opens with you as one of the three generic starting options, each one not mattering at all and all of them ending with you in the same place after some mild piddling around in your job-designated area.
The year is 2077, and Young Thug lookalike Famous Dex "da" Shawn hires V and illegal border-crosser Jackie to steal a potato chip called "the Relic" from the Microsoft Corporation. Unfortunately, nobody who is a part of the heist is anything more than a common criminal, and breaking into the most powerful corporation was bound to cause trouble for even the best. During their escape after (naturally) getting caught while hiding behind a TV and watching some guy kill some other guy, Jackie is mortally wounded and the Lay's chip bag holding the Relic is damaged, which for some reason ends with V cramming the chip into their head. Famous Dex, mad that he didn't get to taste the forbidden potato chip, uses the most powerful weapon in the game to one-tap V and send them to the shadow realm.
V awakens in a dump, and is immediately mentally assaulted by a psychopathic terrorist named Johnny Silverdick. Johnny was a shit terrorist and amateur guitar player, and V gets to watch a highlight reel of him setting of a nuclear bomb in the Microsoft hotel lobby after getting refused a refund. V is then rescued by some wannabe ninja, Goro, who is all up in arms about the dude they saw get killed while stealing the potato chip. Goro also gets mad that he can't hear the TV while at a restaurant in one of the cut scenes of all time! It's really funny! V goes to the doctors to have the chip removed, but he can't do that without turning it into chip dust, and he also realizes that the chip is turning her into Johnny. Johnny, kinda pissed he is still somehow alive but trapped in the body of some rando, decides he will "help" her by taking down Microsoft and taking control of her at the most inopportune moments.
Working with Goro, V goes on a lot of random trips around Night City, killing goobers and looting every single piece of trash in order to sell for a few bucks. V then discovers the Relic was going to be used by a gang who wanted Johnny's silver-dicked virtual avatar to reach beyond the internet firewall so they could gain access to naughty stuff on the internet.
There is some lame backstory where Johnny's girlfriend creates some program that can upload the brain into the cloud, and after finishing it, the big mean Microsoft corporation naturally uploads her brain into the cloud so she can work on releasing Microsoft Word 2079. Johnny doesn't like this at al as he still uses Word 2010, and goes to ask for her back. Due to their "No Refunds" policy, Microsoft was unable to give her back or provide compensation for his loss. This pissed him off so badly that he let off an atomic fart in the lobby, resulting in the death of many and creating a toxic wasteland where the lobby once stood. Somehow, Johnny didn't die from his nuclear flatulence, so he is arrested and uploaded to the cloud as well. The fart also messed with the computers so badly that Johnny's girlfriend was able to escape her digital prison and run off to the dark web. V plugs themself into a USB port and visits Johnny's girlfriend, who promises V that she can separate V and Johnny if V can give her access to the Microsoft Cloud... that she left.
Meanwhile, Goro has decided to go to the Microsoft executives to submit a formal complaint, so V and him capture Hanako Microsofto, the sister of the dude who killed the other dude in the beginning, but V is forced to skedaddle after Microsoft security arrives and tries to question what she is doing on their property with no security badge, visitor pass, or valid ID. Following their removal from Microsoft HQ grounds, Hanako reaches out to V and offers to help them in exchange for removing the dude who killed the other dude from his position at Microsoft.
In the final act, V can choose to either assault Arasaka Tower or accept Hanako's offer. "Alternatively," siding with Hanako has her become the new CEO and sees Microsoft remove the Relic from V's head. No matter what paths you take, V gets to defeat Adam Smasher, the physical embodiment of Microsoft CoPilot, in a really easy boss fight at this point[4]. Unfortunately, even tho it was removed, the effects and brain damage stemming from keeping a greasy potato chip inside their head proves to have lasting consequences for V. This leaves the player with a final "choice." V can either upload themself to the Microsoft Cloud to wait for a new body, live on in their current body with a shortened lifespan, or permanently surrender their body to Johnny so he can get busy smashing hookers and blowing up McDonald bathrooms. No matter what choice is chosen, V is toast.
Characters[edit | edit source]
V (Valerie/Vincent) - V is the main character, or at least is supposed to be, but due to the fact that Keanu Reeves voices Johnny Silverdick and Johnny is also more or less the 'hero' of the overarching story, V is realistically just a vessel that whines, complains, and gets shot at. V has three starting options for their life story. First is that of Streetkid. In this story, V grows up on the street, and gets along by stealing cars. In the Corpo-rat story, V is some random business schmuck who throws up in a sink and then flies to a bar. That's it. In the third story, V is a nomad, which is code word for broke bitch in the desert. V gets harassed by the cops, climbs some cell phone tower, and then illegally crosses the border.
Johnny Silverdick - Named after the bionic replacement organ below his waist, Johnny is the real hero of CP 2077. Johnny used to be a rockstar, but after his computer science major girlfriend got into trouble with Microsoft, he turned into a terrorist. After getting busted, he lives on inside of a potato chip that is inside V's head. He will eventually take over V's body completely, or get sent to the Microsoft Cloud in the end.
Jackie Welles - Jackie is was an amazing specimen, and also the character with the most glitches associated to them. Jackie has had several powers including telepathy, extreme ab strength, and a hidden gun implanted in his cranium. Jackie gets wiped fairly quickly from the face of the earth after getting shot while standing out in the open.
Goro Taco - Goro is was the personal bodyguard of some high up guy who gets killed by another high up guy at Microsoft early in the game. Goro rescues V from the dump, drives while getting attacked by the worst ninjas of all time, and then gets mad when he cannot hear the TV. He then might die if you open the door at his apartment, but you can also just not let him die. Who knows what happens to him after that.
Panem Palmer - OH HELLO MY SWEE- wait, there's no romance option?
T-Bug - Just like a real bug, got squished by a problem bigger than expected. She was originally the quest giver for V and co.
Evelyn Parker - Used to be an E-girl, overheard some gangsters talking about the Relic, organized a heist, and then ended herself after things went wrong and she got messed up. Maybe not in that exact order, I forget. V gets to go through her memories via lights flashing in her retinas, because being disrespectful to suicide victims is cool.
Viktor Vektor - Cousin of Vector from Despicable Me, Viktor took the less insane life path and ended up becoming a doctor. Ok, well maybe not completely sane, as he rips body parts off and replaces them with bits of metal.
Judy Alvarez - Less attractive than Panem, but romanceable, so that's a dub for the lads.
Meredith Stout - Some high level Militech goon, does goon-ish stuff and sometimes helps out V and the gang. Hates Microsoft.
Delamain - Half car, half bald white Walmart mannequin, Delaimain drives around an expensive bulletproof car for V and the gang. He's just a creepazoid honestly.
Hanako Microsofto - The daughter of the O.G. CEO of Microsoft who got murked in the early part of the game, Hanako is a skilled hacker and that one person we all left hanging at Embers while we tried to find ways to hit on Panem.
Adam Smasher - The self-titled cyborg was originally a regular street boxer until a car accident left him in dire need of surgery. Due to him having on money, they rebuilt him using old dish washer parts. Self conscious about his origins, he then proceeded to smash everyone in his path to become the personal bodyguard of that one dude who killed the old dude in the beginning of CP. He eventually gets ground to a pulp in 20 seconds by V in the endgame after hours spent hyping him up.
That One Dude Who Got Killed Early On - This guy was apparently the original Leader/CEO of Microsoft, and during a heist, V and Jackie witness him getting killed by a sibling who then takes charge. He is Hanako's daddy, and she is pretty mad that he got killed.
Angel - IT SOUNDED LIKE A GIRL'S NAME OK?
Skye - I'm just saying, if they want my business, they should be more descriptive about their offers...
John Cyberpunk - The man himself, THE cyber punk.