Ubisoft
 You think this is a joke??? | |
| Founded | 1986 |
|---|---|
| Founder(s) | French people |
| Key people | Rabbids |
| Industry | Shitty video games |
Ubisoft, or 'You-be-soft,' was is a video game publisher and developer, notable for their rather poor managament decisions, as well as for the rather poor quality of their games.
History[edit | edit source]
Ubisoft was founded in 1986 in France of all places by the five K brothers: Kris, Klaude, Kérard, Kichel, and Kyves. The mother originally intended for her family to be a social commentary on a certain group in the US, but due to her being French, she could not count properly and had 2 more kids as a result. Ubisoft is best known for creating and publishing absolute dogshit popular game franchises such as Ass-ass-in's Creed, (gay roleplay simulator), Far Cry, (where you yell at people far away), Rainbow Six, (another gay simulator), Watch Dogs, (self explanatory), and Just Dance, (another porn game). In the last few years they were also the perpetrators behind several NFT based games, all of which had a combined player count of 10 or so. The company operates studios in the dev's mom's basement across the world and is recognized for its focus on open-world gameplay ("Why, yes, more open world games please waiter, I have not yet had my fill of stumbling around in boring empty worlds."), immersive storylines ("story" is a strong word to be used here), and cutting-edge technology ("Press 'A' to unsheathe your dick!").
Ubisoft has grown into one of the largest cancerous blights in video game publishers in the world, with its corporate penis a super strong presence in both console and PC gaming markets, as well as some ventures in mobile and online gaming. In addition to its development studios, Ubisoft owns several subsidiary companies, such as the vehicle-focused Ubisoft Mobile, Ubisoft Film & Television, which works on adapting game franchises into some of the worst things you can see with your eyes, and Ubisoft Weapons Development, which manufactures cheap nuclear weapons for developing nations to threaten 1st world countries with.
Notable works[edit | edit source]
Assassin's Creed[edit | edit source]
Assassin's Creed is that game the guy at GameStop told you was "better 10 years ago" back when it wasn't all about robots and futuristic societies. What are the games about? Hard to tell. For the most part you just run around a large open world doing the same few quests over and over again. The idea is that you play as an assassin that jumps around and kills people silently, but more often than not you end up just going in fists flying and murdering entire crowds of NPCs, targets and civilians alike. Not much assassin-ing going on at any given time. The overarching story of the series appears to follow that the assassins don't like the Templars or something, and they chase each other throughout history to find artifacts that do... magic stuff? Lately, the games have come under fire for not only being boring and repetitive, but also for taking real history and chewing it up before spitting it out in the trash and declaring it to be the way "it really happened."
Far Cry[edit | edit source]
The last good one was 3. Not much more to say about them then they are the embodiment of "hey lets just make the world really big and not put anything it it!" and "Yes we know you want some more fetch/liberate/follow quests, so here you go!"
Rainbow Six[edit | edit source]
About as gay as it sounds. 6 guys (occasionally a girl or two) will POUND on walls and ENTER places. There is also a fair bit of shooting and killing, but mostly just a lot of swearing and racism! It would be fun except that there are a few people who have mad it their life's goal to become "good" at it, and being in a match with them will feel like you are getting hacked, probably because you are getting hacked.
Watch Dogs[edit | edit source]
While this would sound like some sort of boring idle simulator game about watching dogs take a shit in your yard, the actual game series is far less interesting than that. In Watch Dogs, you take control of some guy, (usually a dork or dweeb type), who fights against the big mean tech company that is trying to police some city, (Chicago, San Francisco, London), with its cameras and crime detection stuff. Being that doing crime is awesome or something, these dweeb hacker protagonists proceed to take down the entire system with their iPhone, all the while causing chaos in the streets, reading everyones texts and phone calls, and stealing their money. Other than that it feels like a half-baked GTAV spinoff with far less vehicles and things to do.
Just Dance[edit | edit source]
This is what the Ubisoft board member demands you do at gunpoint when you start realizing their games are extremely unoriginal and getting repetitive and post about it online.
NFT Games[edit | edit source]
In typical Ubisoft fashion, they caught wind of the NFT fever about a good year after it had already been killed, but still decided that it would be a good idea to launch several games based entirely on the blockchain, featuring thousands of characters that you could purchase for real money! It's hard to make this funny because of how stupid its existence is.
Future[edit | edit source]
I don't think there is one for Ubisoft...
