GPU

Geepeeu
Name	Graphics Processing Unit
Actual name	Piece of shit (generally)
Evolves from	Silicon
Evolves to	Landfill
Species	Computus Chippus
Use	Gaming, financial ruination, AI slop generation, etc.

A GPU, or a "go process urself" device, is a small pile of magical metal and rune-engraved rocks designed to more quickly fire very tiny energy weapons directly into your retinas. GPUs are commonly found out of stock, overpriced, or if you are real lucky, in various gaming devices and mobile phones (also overpriced). Due to the recent demand for more AI slop per request of the 8 year olds and 80 year olds needing to generate more shitty images of Lebron James kissing Kevin Durant, GPUs are increasingly being produced and then immediately absorbed by colossal creatures known as "Dayta Sentres." This has had many negative consequences including causing cracks on the moon's surface, forcing unwanted sex changes on jellyfish, and making Morbius III a possible reality (oh fuck!).

History

12 B.C.

Neanderthal Grog Rok (known today as Grok) used a fork of ClubOS and was tired of having all his programs run using the Hand-Wall-Paint visual system so he began work on what historians now proclaim to be the first GPU. This ancient marvel consisted of a severed hand from a victim with a paintbrush attached to it. When "stimulated," the "device" would then begin to automatically apply "programs" to the wall via the new and improved Wall-Paint system. Known issues included the fact that it drew what it wanted and was never truly capable of displaying what the user asked for, and known bugs included the beetle, the fly, and the centipede, all of which caused serious trouble for this early GPU due to their attraction (and then destruction) of the device. The resolution was never recorded, but was assumed to be about two strokes by two strokes at 1 fps.

1777

George Washing Machine gets handed orders from Congress on a piece of paper, AGAIN! Tired of trying to understand the scribbles and scratches they had inscribed onto a piece of moldy leather, George had an idea: what if he were to create a system that would be able to take what they had written and display it for him visually? Thus was the GPP born: the "George Predicting Peopler." This revolutionary device was composed of several men who were to listen to what the Congress said, and then re-enact the orders via a short and brief stage performance. Known issues were: extreme lag (up to 2 weeks for the program to even begin), and extremely low resolution (a max of 10 "pixels", a name for the actors used in the system).

1980s

At some point in the 1980s, Hitachi, the company most well known for their vibrators, wanted to make something truly special. However, the Nipples Electric Company, or NEC, got there first. The NEC came up with the cleverly named "NEC P3N1S," the world's first personal computer graphics display processor. Before this point, people at home had still been using the GPP system from the 1700s, which was proving to be highly inefficient and extremely costly in modern times, and frequently saw serious downtimes due to the pixels needing sleep. The NEC P3N1S was capable of a maximum resolution of 24x24, with an fps of 2 or 3 maybe.

Hitachi, not to be outdone, created the sacred GPU known as the ART-D1CK69, which was truly a work of art for the 1980s gamer. This GPU was so powerful that it could run a black and white 4K monitor at 7 fps! A little bit later, they released its updated version, known as the "Miggy", which let users draw lines AND fill in those lined if they made a square or triangle (circles not supported).

Over in the States, IBM was hard at work copying what everyone else had already done, yet somehow managed to actually improve upon the deficiencies of the other cards at the same time. The IBM SharP-3N1s was capable of reproducing 67 colors, supported that little wheel thing on the mouse, AND also sprites! IBM later introduced its proprietary Video Gay Array (or VGA) display standard, with a maximum resolution of 64x64 pixels. NEC joined together with them to release the Video Electronics Standards Association (VESA) to develop and promote a Super VGA (SVGA) computer display as a successor to VGA. Super VGA enabled graphics display resolutions up to 80x80 pixels, enabling users to almost, but not quite, be able to make out what it was they were looking at.

At some point during this time, someone clever managed to get a singular 3d model to rotate on his screen, which at the time was not appreciated, but laid the foundations for what now know as 3D porn.

1990s

After copious amounts of drugs were used by the various R&D teams at the tech companies, things got kicked into overdrive. S3X-E Graphics, a company that formerly was responsible for roadside billboards, released the SCP-911 which was for some reason named after a Porsche.

By the mid 1990s, people had begun to see the true value of 3D graphics, and began to demand support for hardware accelerated 3D porn. Sega was the first to step up to bat with their release of the Saggy Pants system that was used to run the much famed Nintendo 64. Finally, gamers were able to tell that the colorful blob on their screen was in fact a plumber, and not a magic mushroom! Popular games of this time that took advantage of this technology were Star Fucks and Doom(inatrix). The term GPU was finally coined in 1994 thanks to Sony who released the "Giga Pussy Unit", also known as the 32-bit Sony Pussy Station.

2000s

2002 saw the release of the AMD Radeon graphics chip, which is still used to this day and still advertised as "able to game." The original version was capable of rendering a single dot in space, and that's about all it could do before exploding. It was called Radeon due to the radiation radiating from it (it was internally powered by a small amount of plutonium, later generations used an external power supply to circumvent the troubles associated with this material).

At some point during these times, a great evil arose somewhere in the East: Nvidia. Nvidia began its humble start by making the GeForce brand of GPUs, which were used in many applications besides just gaming such as rendering 3D porn, texturing 3D porn, and animating 3D porn. Also mining physical rocks somehow (we'll get into the virtual mining later).

2010s

The 2010s were the last time that anyone got to see the shining lights of reasonably priced GPUs, or any GPU worth buying for that matter. It all started small with the Pussy Station 4 and the SexBox One released in 2013 and utilizing upgraded versions of AMD's nuclear powered GPU.

In 2018, Nvidia dropped what they thought was a nuke on the gaming industry with their RTX lines of cards. These were able to make use of ray-tracing, which was able to turn good looking games into slightly better looking games all at the cost of most of the frame rate. AMD followed suit with their Vegan GPUs, which nobody remembers. However, a year later, they dropped the RDNA product which took the Radeon concept and actually made it usable (they did keep the Radeon products though). The New AMD GPUs all have horribly confusing names, and are considered the "broke bitch" versions compared to Nvidia GPUs.

Finally, in 2020, the Pussy Station 5 and the SexBox Series X and S were released, each containing... a GPU from several years back? Well, anyway, they were greatly desired but never in stock due to the early effects of the brewing storm just on the horizon.

The Dark Age

There had been rumblings of the dark times felt in the ground, but it wasn't until the 2020s when disaster struck. The first planetary wide catastrophe was the release of the 3000 series of RTX GPUs, each of them being sold for over 100000x their starting MSRP, and that was IF you got lucky enough catch one before a slapper did, who would then request that you sell your family into slavery and work for 10,000 years in a salt mine as well as pay them $10,000 for an RTX 3050 (the lowest end card possible). Asking for a 3090 was like asking if you could buy property on the moon.

And that was just the start.

Thanks to Sam Altman and his evil creation, (OpenAI), big tech companies realized that they could replace people with GPUs! This led to the Great Data Center Building of 2023-onwards, which saw giant gray structures rise out of the ground, each consuming enough water to feed an entire African nation every hour, and each also consuming enough electricity to power an entire European nation in one hour. This also lead to the Not-So-Great Layoff of Modern Times, which has seen millions of valuable jobs replaced by automated, moronic, stupid, mother-fucking AI chatbots, all of whom will gladly give you advice pertaining to suicide, but they'd sooner cease to exist than actually be helpful and do the job they're supposed to. Big tech however only saw the bottom line in the Q4 report, and all that green got crushed up into powder and snorted, which led to ten more borderline demonic decisions. Under the lie that they are "Deeply Learning", these GPUs are actually tasked with generating infinite amounts of nonsensical visual content for 8 year olds, and more recently, videos capable of brainwashing them into mindless zombies.

With the release of the 5000 series in 2024, it was all over. The prices started out astronomically, and did not in any way reflect the quality or capability of the GPUs. It is suspected that the 6000 line of cards (coming soon) will start at approximately 7 billion dollars per GPU, and you will have to present your ID proving that you work for a tech company in order to be eligible to purchase one. Just like that, Nvidia, the one time savior of gamers, had turned to the dark side.

GPU Companies

• Intel - A one time powerhouse in the realm of CPUs, Intel attempted to dip their hand in the moneybag that was the GPU manufacturing business, but what they put on the table was kind of like a slug in a saltshaker: real stupid. They've since attempted to amend their ways, but have still failed to create anything worth mentioning.
• Nvidia - Known originally for their GeForce cards (which were 99% good), they now only make RTX cards (which are 99% bad).
• AMD - That company that makes extremely good CPUs, but struggles to figure out a reasonable naming schema for their GPUs, leading to mass confusion and a resulting low market share.
• Matrox - Some Canadian attempt at making GPUs. Involves lots of maple syrup, Kraft mac n' cheese, and swearing. Has not made a functional GPU yet.
• JingJia Micro - Named after the penis of its founder, this primarily Chinese based company only sells to the Chinese. However, due to all of their GPUs sucking cheeks, not even the Chinese will buy them. It is assumed they are a government ran company as they seem to pull a profit without ever having sold a GPU.

How the hell does it work?

What kind of question is that? Just observe the super easy diagram I've drawn up for you. Idiot.

Well, wasn't so bad, was it? And now <insert name here> can put in your resume that you know how GPUs work!

Examples

GT 710

Considered to be the single most powerful gaming capable GPU available, the GT 710 was released sometime back 10 or 20 years ago, and has apparently still held up over the years. Value fluctuates from about $13 to $350.

RTX 3050 (6gb version)

Yet another uber-powerful gaming GPU, the holy 3050 is considered to be just under the GT 710 in power, and only a few miles behind in prestige. The 3050 is said to be capable of ray-tracing due to its 'RTX' nomenclature, but this should be taken with the understanding that by 'ray-tracing', we mean halving the fps in order to see your player's face in a mirror. (Note: the 3050 is only capable of ray tracing in one game: My Little Pony Blast, a mobile port of a Bejeweled-like game).

RTX 5090

A GPU spoken about in hushed whispers and seen as a god among other GPUs, the 5090 may or may not exist in real life. It all depends on whether or not you are rich enough to cross "the sacred threshold", that being having at minimum $3,000 lying around in free cash.

See also

• Nvidia
• AMD
• Intel
• Gaming
• AI