Psycho Killer

Psycho Killers make excellent role models for the criminally disturbed of all ages.

Psycho Killer. What is it?

• Do you not seem to be able face up to the facts?
• Are you tense and nervous and can’t relax?
• Do you have sleeping problems, feeling that your bed is on fire?
• Do you recoil when people touch you? Are you a real "live wire"?

Should you be able to answer yes to the majority of questions above chances are that you could be a potential psycho killer. Instead of running away, you should consider accepting the many benefits associated with the role, which include the respect of your peers and lasting fame. Professor David Byrne of Sermo Caput Capitis College has written a leading report on the subject.

Hurling Towards Glory

In the history of the world few things have guaranteed that your legacy and memory will live on long after your death than the act of becoming a psycho killer. Who now remembers the guy who built the first wheel, or the bloke who first thought of milking a cow, or even that geezer who invented the DVD? Simply by the simple act of murdering a selection of prostitutes or wearing the freshly skinned flesh of decaying family members you can achieve lasting fame and the admiration of lonely weirdos the world over.

Very few who have achieved fame have done so without thinking ahead, as the old saying goes "if you fail to plan, plan to fail". Before starting on your career as a Psycho Killer you should spend time considering a number of important factors.

Tools

"Yes Mother, THEY will pay for their sins..."

Murder doesn't just happen, it is a carefully thought through processes which begins with the basic need of having the right tools to perform the job at hand. Opportunity may occur at any time, just a basic level of planning will allow you to take advantage. Is your boot large enough to contain a corpse? Is it clear of other goods? This planning, or "premeditation" is what seperates the wannabe sociopath from the dyed in the wool, bloodsoaked mass-murdering nutjob. Such is the fine line between failure and success.

Useful tools may include:

• A Hammer
• Ether Doused Rag
• Machete
• Industrial Strength Chainsaw
• Boy George

Practice

Few of us are able to put in the many man hours to hone our skills as a Psycho Killer, only a few small number of people are able to practice their craft on family members and neighbours. Fanatically studying your favourite murderers is a way to pick up important "tricks of the trade", such as feigning injury and asking attractive young ladies to help you to put your shopping in the boot of your car, but it is no substitute for actual, hands on practice.

The logistics of death are impossible to contemplate without actual experience. Practising on neighbours' pets and wild animals is one way to perfect your technique with little publicity until you are ready to unleash yourself upon the world. Gaining experience of transporting bloodied corpses without detection, issues surrounding slicing up and the disposal of bodies can all be addressed in a relatively safe environment.

Popular Psycho Killers

• Jeffrey Dahmer: Despite "bromance" being his primary motivation, Jeffrey managed to achieve lasting fame as a psycho killer in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Rape, torture, dismemberment, necrophilia and cannibalism were all utilised to great effect, leaving Dahmer as the poster boy for the sociopathic community.
• Elizabeth Bathory: Although only managing to kill as many young girls as are discovered drowned each weekend in China, Elizabeth Bathory is remembered for her early work in influencing the burgeoning cosmetics industry.
• Biggles: Viewed as a war hero in his native Britain, Biggles remains as the seventh greatest source of death amongst German Nationals.

In Popular Culture

“ Photographs of Crippin, lipstick smeared... ”

A number of individuals involved in the music industry have expressed interest in the world of Psycho Killers. Dave "Crazy Legs" Mustaine in his autobiographical "Killing is my Business, and Business is Good" cites his fascination with the act of murder and killing people in horrible, nasty ways, frequently aimed towards Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich. Wizened, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne has based many of his song lyrics, as well as his stage act, upon the practices of Psycho Killers.

Many successful movies, such as "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer", "Silence of the Lambs" and Disney's "Bambi" have done much to show the more human side of psycho killers to the general public. Hollywood has long sought to stop the exploitation of mass murderers for cheap thrills and to present a more balanced view of the average life of sociopaths and psychopaths within the community.