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A common use of language, with the arrow drawn in English.

“Basic vocalizations uttered randomly and incoherently.”

~ Webster's Dictionary on Language

Language (n.) a fucking system of fucking signs of which the system is nothing but a fucking sign itself. In time primeval, before language took root in the great one mind, there was a whirling purple-grey mass that accompanied every person wherever they went. Man would sing songs to the mass and the mass in turn replied (in a somewhat gurgly and repulsive fashion). However, this is only half the story. The other half, the half yet to be mentioned, resides not outside you in the form of a guardian mass but inside you in the form of a small red book of rules with embossed gold writing that screams, as much as tiny red books that reside in brains can scream (which actually is quite loud).

Inside this book are 19 rules. These rules organize what you and the mass sing about. One day, let's say 12 twelve days after another day before this day (which is 12 days since), you and the mass sing a song. Let's call this song Song A. You sing Song A, and then, 12 days later, you think you sing Song B, but the book informs you that actually you sang a portion of Song A- so what you really have is a Song C and your false memory of what Song B was. This is how language came to be.

Since the birth of language, no one has been able to devise a more elegant two-letter combination as William Shakespeare did for the play Much Ado About Nothing where the last two letters of Act 4-Scene 2 are the auspicious OW: the abbreviation for the most orgasmic writer in the history of the modern world, Oscar Wilde.

An ImModel Example of What is Not Language[edit | edit source]

Linguists and semioticians alike have long been baffled by the possible meaning of this bizzare imagery.

Hello my accomplices! My engouement for pompousness accentuates my letabund for my pertolerated philodox.

Hopefully my redonated wonderclout will obganiate from the panurgic conglomeration, ascertaining the quaesitum in this parchment's quisquilious constultion.

Refrain from gauming during your dulcarnon, but tripudiate in this bouffage of ostentatious anpeyn.

What sayest thou?

Whither thou goest young rogue? Is there no villainy thou hast not committed, a fine gentleman's name thou hath not soiled. Faith, I know not where you wander but begone wastrel!

Interesting Fact[edit | edit source]

Language was believed to be invented in 2001 by New York City poet and hot horny lesbian Gary Language. Recent forays into this theory by established historians and sociologists have since disputed this once-solid fact. The most radical of the scientific left contend that Gary Language is in fact a hot horny hot dog vendor on Church and Avenue and is in no way connected to the lesbian party. Among the presented facts are the masculinity of this purported lesbian's name, and the fact that language was discovered on written tablets almost ten-thousand years prior.

The lesbian party contests this viciously, offering up counterexamples such as "Billy" Piper, the renowned masculinely-named lesbian, and Bob "The Lesbian" Lesbian, herself an avid supporter of, "Braving the pubic jungles" sic.

Babel[edit | edit source]

Egyptian hieroglyphs

If humanity started at a central location, say my house, then they would speak the language of my house, and therefore they would have spread the language of my house. If the people of my house found another group of humans the languages would be bound to mix. So, as trade increased between human groups their languages should have grown more similar and similar till the only differences would be like American and British. But, for some reasons there are hundreds of distinctly different languages. Language did the exact opposite of what it should have by becoming different and individual. Therefore language itself is wholly retarded and people should not speak or write but, communicate by telepathic messages like animals do.

Or if you can't accept that language is in itself retarded. There was this thing called Babel. The Babylonians decided that they were the best city in existence, so to show that they decided to build a tower that would be so high it would reach heaven. This was an easy task to do because languages had grown so similar that it was easy to communicate technologies across great distances. The Babylonians united the world in building this tower. One day they got to close to heaven and god noticed that the Babylonians were building a tower to heaven and he knocked this tower down. Then, realizing that this tower was only made because the people of earth spoke basically the same language. So, god declared babel on the Babylonians. Not being able to understand each other the Babylonians quickly separated themselves and fought with each other. Slowly each different language was forced to a different part of the globe where they established their own civilizations. Therefore humans will never actually understand what one another means when they speak. Doesn't that suck.

Be Aware[edit | edit source]

National language.jpg

When confronted with language be alarmed and aroused if possible: It can hurt you and everyone you love which can be quite arousing. Language exists in two dimensions. The first, the "VisibleD", is how we normally think of language. But in dimension "P" language is doing something far more disgusting that we cannot see because we are uniminded. People talk and you simply nod your head and look thoughtful while their language destroys your mind and pees in your peanut butter in all possible ways.

Interesting Fact[edit | edit source]

Language is also the third word in the Lithuanian language. (Lithuanians have only 4 words in their language; "Lithuanians", "four", "language", "words".) However, this is not the only language with only four words. The Russian language also has only four words; "bljadj" (which has many meanings and is used in different situations, even operating as comma and is an all purpose introduction for works of non-fiction), "hui" (short for "huinja", this word describes a tool or useful item or a sticky situation), "zakuska" (which means food and Bertrand Russell and "YOU!!").

See also[edit | edit source]

Preceded by:
Best Thing in Existence
45 million BC - 40 million BC
Succeeded by: