Clarkson University

Clarkson College of Technology
The Unique Seal of the College
Motto	Ruchnoy Protivotankovy Granatomyot!
Established	2036, Opened 2015
School type	Public
Head	Mr. Clarkson
Location	Moscow, New York, Russia
Campus	Gnu
Enrollment	∞ 14.5
Endowment	1
Faculty	69
Mascot	Trick

During the year of 2036, in the massive technical metropolis known as Moscow, Clarkson College of Technology was built and completed as predicted by Time Traveling alumnus John Titor, and rap superstar Macho Man Randy Savage. They predicted an ominous figure by the name of Mr. Clarkson would be the campus' Chief Oppressor. Mr. Clarkson and his favorite pet Trick would end up capturing the Flying Spaghetti Monster in order to use its supreme and unmeasurable amounts of power to save Moscow from the Winter Gods. Since all of the students wished to be as powerful as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but none could, some of its students use darts to prove their self worth, by using giant rubber bands to take a dart in the behind.

Clarkson College of Technology was later renamed to Clarkson University due to a typo. The printing company that produced the latest shipment of promotional materials had mistakenly mistyped "of" as "University" and omitted the words "College" and "Technology." Mr. Clarkson, already out the expense and with insufficient time to order reprints, decided to just roll with it.

Buildings on Campus

One of the reactors located on the Science Complex.

Science Complex

The Science Complex provides power to the campus by utilizing a series of eighteen coal reactor core structures. Because of patented refining techniques, the emissions given off by the reactors are not black, but in fact, white. Traces of this white soot literally coat the entire geographical area surrounding the campus. The substance is powdery, cold, and often found in large evenly displaced quantities on the ground and all buildings respectively. At various times of the day during much of the year, this powder can be seen falling from the sky. Clarkson regularly assures inhabitants of the region that the substance poses no threat to anyone living nearby, though this has never been conclusively determined. Since it's construction the Science Complex has been slowly sliding down the hill towards the Woodstock Apartments. Students living in Woodstock have reported seeing the Science Complex begin to move towards them during periods of heavy rainfall. New campus plans call for the Woodstock Apartments to be removed to prevent any damage as the Science Complex makes it's way down the hill.

Snell Hall

Snell Hall is a Clarkson-owned building kept downtown entirely to waste money. The temperature in all rooms is kept at 124 degrees fahrenheit at all times to ensure that no one will dare use them. It has been superceded by Snell Hall, Second Edition.

Snell Hall, Second Edition

Snell Hall, Second Edition is a building designed to trap and kill students through various means. Careful design has lead the building to "unexpectedly" degrade putting students in harm's way, such as by randomly dropping lighting fixtures or ceiling tiles from above while no one is looking. Students moving about within the building are exposed to the harmful radiation shunted from the Science Complex through the raised "walkway" connecting the two structures. In case of emergency, the building is programmed to speak directions in a soothing voice and lead students into dead-end corridors, the basement, or the adjacent Gazebo.

The building was named after Bertrand H. Snell, but is often referred to by his nickname, Bernard H. Snell.

It is also a well know fact on campus that Snell Hall, Second Edition was originally designed to be built in New Mexico but when the supplies were accidentally shipped to Potsdam it was constructed here.

The "Walkway"

To even the untrained eye on campus, the "Walkway" connecting Snell Hall Second edition to the Science Complex, is massively overbuilt for foot traffic. Even with the occasional Bobcat Bandit running through the 3rd floor halls, it is built for even greater loads. That is because it is in fact an elaborate tether designed to provide an anchor point to the Science Complex. Not wanting to admit to runaway buildings or to their unorthodox fix, the campus decided to enclose their tether and put tile down for students to cross between buildings. It should be noted however that the tether is under great strain and the campus has warned against students' attempts to get it to bounce. It may snap at any moment and care should be taken while crossing.

The "Library"

The "Library" is often referred to as the ERC (Easiest Routing Corridor), because it is not a library. It has been claimed that there is a library somewhere in the building, but it has never been found. The library serves as a small food court and the center of operations for the extensive high-speed fiber network that provides Clarkson with a local interweb mirror. It is also the primary corridor for all foot traffic between any two buildings on campus.

Currently, in it's attempts to make campus as obnoxious as possible, Clarkson is boarding up the library to create what can only be described as a futuristic hell. Following plans to revamp the entirety of the ERC to have more windows (to view the clouds and rain easier), less tables (to prevent studying), and suicide booths (for students to use during the year). The noise and closed off hallways from the construction project have led to an increase in failing undergrad students as they lose sleep and study time, but an increase in grad student happiness as they are nourished with the tears of the undergrads.

The Pit

The Pit is a hole in the ground near the bottom of the hill on which the campus sits. Particularly unlucky freshmen who do not pass their Intro to Lotteries class by the end of their first year are rounded up and dumped with their belongings into this hole. Most students do not survive the Pit and it has been Clarkson's most successful attempt at solving the ever-present housing shortage on the hill campus as well as over population in the United States. The only means of escape is a wooded path nicknamed the "RAPE trail" (rapid access pathway to education). Students that manage to safely reach and activate the blue-light phone when it is not broken or run all the way up the steep incline without being captured are allowed to return the following semester.

CAMP

Originally designed as a maze for the fabled Minotaur from Greek mythology, the CAMP building is now used to confuse the fuck out of freshmen engineering students who are trying to find their advisors rooms. Some say that the original name was Center for Anal Masturbatory Prostitution. However, the University denies this firmly. But, if one listens carefully on a winter night, they can hear moans from the "graduate students" as they "work on their theses."

Rowley Labs

The Rowley Lab building is connected to CAMP by a normal hallway on the first floor, and by an invisible walkway on the second floor. This walkway is barely ever used because IT DOESN"T FUCKING EXIST! it is rumored that there is a classroom somewhere in the dark bowels of the building; however, this has yet to be proven.

Cheel

Always under construction at the expense of "alumni donors" who still pay tuition and don't have a degree. At least this "center of campus" consistently pulls a .500 season average in men's hockey while allegedly winning women's hockey championships, however the researchers on campus still haven't proven women's hockey actually exists. The real party here is the parking lot, where 45 locals get piss hammered every Friday and Saturday night to watch the hockey team narrowly escape a slaughtering on ice. At least the meal plan swipes give you a 6" sub, if you're looking for more than that then ask for literally any man over 5'8" at McDuff's.

The Student Center

The Student Center is located between Camp and The ERC, connected by two more anchoring walkways. Home to The Servery, Bar Nine? and the Post office, vast amounts of noise come from seemingly nowhere. It's large off-coloured jumbotron is the higlight of the building, often spouting propaganda throughout the day. Various clubs and student organizations often table here in desperate attempts to coerce introverted students into joining. You can bet that no matter what time, there will be someone from Roundtable attempting to heckle upperclassman for obscene amounts of money.

Security

The campus is protected by two men, imbued with untold cosmic powers and a flashlight, that patrol the campus in a heavily modified Toyota RAV4 with custom paint.

C.U.S.A

(Clarkson University Student Association) Clarkson University student government which is dedicated to helping students and clubs at Clarkson University. The previous statement is a complete fucking lie, that propagated by the big news tony coillin news network. In reality they are corrupt as the Unites States government. Their corruption stems from the fact they no one on campus gives a fuck about the cusa election. Like 12 votes is more than enough to win any seat. Which is why the frat houses win all the seats regulatory. I would write more but cusa is so cancerous I can feel the tumors growing out of my back just from writing about it

C.U.S.A - C.U.S.A

(Clarkson University Students Against CUSA)

C.U.S.A C.U.S.A is rumored organization that is similar to the illuminati that seeks the destruction of cusa. It is believed that the organization was started by one of the speed teams. Very little is known about the organization as any traces to the organization in any sort of documentation appears to have been redacted or destroyed. This is most likely due to a cover up by the big news Tony Collins news network. The most famous rumor says they were involved in the assassination of a cusa president via 360 no scope trick shot off the Science center. When and who was assassinated is unclear however it is believed to occur sometime between the 1950-1980 as several years between these times have missing documentation in the Clarkson archives. There most recent appearance was a few years ago when a manifesto appeared on some computers. The manifesto declared Canada to be a rogue nation and included plans to invade Canada once they take over cusa. All copies where quickly deleted off school computers. One copy was saved by a student however that students dorm was burnt down in the great riverside fire and the student was later expelled for unknow reasons. It is also rumored that any mention of the organization to staff at Clarkson will get you on tony colins blacklist. Those on the black list end up leaving in the middle of the night for unknown reasons and the school later states they were expelled.

Teachers

Dr. Gibert

Dr. Gibert (pronounced "Gee-bert", "Zhi-Behr", or "God") was hired from Clemson University in Fall 2013. His classes include Rigid Body Dynamics and Fluid Mechanics. He is unliked by the campus community of foreign unintelligible former-grad students for infringing on their classes and denying them their food supply, the tears of engineering students.

Dr. Jim

Dr. Jim is the only person on the face of the earth crazy enough to teach chemistry to freshmen and therefore he is the only person at Clarkson teaching chemistry to freshmen. Time in his class is equally divided between encouraging students to use the clickers, blowing shit up, displaying his dyslexia by confusing what he is writing on the board with what is in his notes and actually learning about chemistry.

Dr. Wick

Dr. Wick is an evil and diabolical man who survives off the crushed dreams of the freshmen who he intentionally fails. In class he comes off as a very mild mannered and intelligent person however this is just a facade he wants to see all of the freshmen fail and does everything in his power to do so. Anyone who says that they do any better than a fifty on his tests are either lying or sleeping with the entire grading committee. An example of one of his tests can be found here [1].

Dr. Vitek

THE MOST AWESOME PROFESSOR YOU WILL EVER HAVE! TAKE HIS CLASSES!

Dr. Visser

Evil inhuman spawn of Satan that haunts aero students. Unable to hand back or grade any homework on his own. Most notable catch phrase to his students are; "I designed the 767-400er" (he designed the gas cap), "Your're here to fill a quota", and "you should probably consider switching majors", rumor has it that he's even said this to several senior aero students. Generally incapable of talking to regular people due to his ego, he is to be avoided at all costs and it's advisable to simply ignore anything he says to you personally. When not found in the dungeon torturing his students and especially his advises Visser may be found in his recording studio recording such gems as this: [2]

Dr. Ramsdell

If Kermit the Frog had a twin who smoked a pack and a half a day for ten years, Ramsdell would be his voice actor.

Dr. Mclusky

This guy is old really fucking old.

Quote; "OoOOOooOoOooOOHhhh"

Dr. Wilcox

Noted for having mastered the art of torturing sophomore chemical engineers, Wilcox is the blind, unholy spawn of a dementor and a vampire. As he drones he watches for those who text or sleep in his class as he lulls all he addresses with his mind-numbing drone and overpacked slides, appearing to seldom spot these delinquents. Only after the first exam do you know which he's seen and preyed upon; they're the ones that never return. Even once he's consumed those, he still must feed upon the souls of those remaining, leeching the happiness from them. Only through consuming the spirits of students is he able to stand and lecture.

Dr. Bohl

• Student 1* Look, its a professor!
• Student 2* Look its a Mr.!
• Dr. Bohl* Its Dr. to you peasant.

This conceded prick will take every opportunity to make you feel like shit. Most notable for kicking male students out of office hours to hit on hot girls, and finishing the Leadville 100 bike race. When not being a dick to students in class, he may be found in the back of an ambulance pretending to save lives, or talking about luge.

Professor Felland

Former professor of Larkso Uni. He is now retired and we are all so happy for him.

He had been at Clarkson long enough that the parents of current students had him. He wore the same vest every day (now he cycles through 3 Hawaiian shirts) and is lacking one foot. Possibly lived in his office, there is little proof to the contrary.

Dr. Merrett

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Merrett The Tall? I thought not. It’s not a story Clarkson Admissions would tell you. It’s an Aero legend. Darth Merrett was a Structures Lord for Aircraft, so powerful and so wise he could use Galerkin's method to influence the midalongerons to create failure … He had such a knowledge of the Structures that he could even keep the weak ones from success. Aircraft Structures is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his Lego Saturn V, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he thought he taught his Students everything he knew, then his Students failed his final test. Ironic. He could save others from Structures, but not his Students

Notable Characters

pi guy
duck orphaner
dz candy cane hazing procedure
green tracksuit guy who only runs indoors
riverside arsonist
spookaru owner
the "send nudes" ghost
whoever erected that snow dick on Cheel Lawn
those poor souls trapped in COSI
the current CUSA president (#corruptCUSA)
girls
Jayne hat guy
Whoever the fuck stole the campo golf cart
The person who stole the X from the TedX sign
Ski Club
the person airdropping pepes in chem and got expelled for it
Alexis Texis

OIT

OIT (Offensive Internet Technicians) is Clarkson's service for rending all computers useless. OIT takes it's first stab at new students before they even arrive on campus through the laptop purchase program. Laptops available to students though OIT are built by DELL (Deadly Electronics Ltd.) or IBM (Improvised Bomb Mainframes). These computers are specially designed so that at a random time (generated at the first boot) the computer will shoot deadly beams into your eyes and then explode. If you happen to have one of these computers that has not reached it's detonation time it is likely that the evil spirits in the hard drive, motherboard, and batteries have converted your computer into a very stylish and expensive paper weight. If the evil spirits have taken control of your computer you have very limited options, the most effective of these is to toss your computer into the Pit (see above reference). The other option is to return your computer to OIT, the robots working there will preform an exorcism on it and give it back to you after a few days without any of your data or software and multiple new problems.

The other purpose of OIT is to control Clarkson's internet access. It is OIT's task to suppress the internet as effectively as possible and limit students access. When OIT is unable to suppress access to the internet they often turn to the mail server, rendering it impossible for students to read the OIT emails regarding the failure of the mail server. Despite the already slow connection to the internet, OIT has taken it upon themselves to slow students access to flash content even more. By limiting the rate at which flash content can be accessed during the day OIT forces students to remain awake nearly all night to acquire their required dose of YouTube.