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Canada/People

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Canadians are semi-aquatic animals that reside in North America, Argentina, and Europe. They have a furry complexion, and their call is "Eh". They are the only members of the family Catidie, which contains a single genus, Custard. Genetic research has proven that they eat excessive amounts of oatmeal, even to the point of explosion.

Or that might be the beaver. [1]

People

Morrissey shouting at his supporters.
A large gathering of Canadians. It is quite easy to spot a canadian outside of Canada.

Located in the parallel universe, the Canadian people are examples of the advanced state of human evolution except without the "global superpower" status they loathed with jealousy (the Yanks next door).

Canadian culture is a blend of four great cultural traditions: that of the whiter parts of Europe, their adopted country (the United States), their tasty, tasty beer, and, of course, the mysterious food called "back bacon". Changes in immigration policies in the 1960's have led to Canadians that don't have relatives in Scotland, but they are, as a nation, still pretty pale.

Canadians are never happy. They are often polite, but never happy. This lack of happiness has nothing to do with poverty or lack of amusement. To hide their lack of happiness, they often say that they are "Proud to be Canadian". Canadians are proud of their country, but never happy about it; Like citizens of most nations, Canadians love their country, but loathe their government. Satisfaction with one's life is considered too American and therefore un-Canadian.

Most Canadians have a confidence problem and display it through their rabid anti-Americanism. At nearly any social event the conversation often leads to endless American bashing sessions, especially after the United States goes nuts over some jape such as abortion, gay marriage or pot.

Talented Canadians move to the United States to earn real money (the kind without the Queen on it). They become actors, anchormen, singers, etc. and earn real American money instead of the colourful but worthless play money that they use in Canada. The remainder are stuck in Canada and work for the CBC. Or strive to be dentists.

Many Canadians are named MacKenzie, even some of the brown ones who's parents were not born in Canada. Almost one third, in fact, are named MacKenzie MacKenzie.

Canadians excel in both being modest and nice. (Or that's what they say.) Indeed one of Canada's national pastimes is bragging about how nice and modest they truly are, although may this be to hide any hostility since most Canadians exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies, or perhaps to hide their evil plan for world domination through the use of flannel, and marijuana.

Another pastime is them talking about being the very best at hockey (or, as they call it, being "friggin' wicked at dat hockey"). This they prove by talking about the time they (and by they they mean all Canadians) beat Russia in 1972. Canadians call ice hockey hockey as field and grass hockey don't exist in Canada since there are no fields of grass there (the fields of grass in British Columbia are completely unrelated, man). Even the simple concept of field hockey leaves them dumbfounded because, as Lorne Greene said, "Pucks don't work on grass, eh!". Street hockey they understand, as streets are essentially ice rinks with cars. Curiously, they consider curling to be a sport, when it is clearly just fat drunk people trying to clean ice.

In other words, Americans refer to Canada like crossing into another dimension: everything is about the same, except the police dressed in red uniforms ride on horses, everyone is VERY polite (and ends their sentences with "...eh?"), the road signs are also in French and in metric units (65 kilometers? ...eh?) and the afternoon high is colder than the surface of planet Neptune.

A typical sleeping Canadian

The national food is oatmeal. This is primarily because, like Canadians, it's mostly white, bland, and as Farley Mowat said, "It helps you poop." In Quebec it is generally substituted for a mix of fries, gravy, and cheese curds. In the eastern parts of Canada, cocaine is often sprinkled on oats to add a certain "flavor" to help them get through the day. This is called poutine (pronounced pooteen) and, as Farley Mowat said, "It helps you poop."

A note to would-be travellers: wear a hat. Due to a combination of shitty weather and "bed head" all Canadians wear hats. Outsiders without hats are killed on sight by a barrage of poison-snowballs and hockey sticks. Acceptable hats include: tuques [2], toques, Royal Canadian Mounted Police hats (never referred to as a Stetson), Toronto Maple Leaf baseball caps (though not outside Toronto), "Canadian" ball caps (not canadian the people, but canadian the beer), still-live muskrats etc. Calling a tuque a hat will cause you to be subject to great derision.

A notable exception is men with combovers who, for some reason, use one really long hair to protect their scalps from the weather (known as the "Rene Levesque", after its inventor). Also, as you may have noticed, I am using "quotation" marks for "no reason", as I have just "sampled" some Canadian smack.

Population

Any attempt to accurately calculate the number of people living in Canada has been met with failure due to the innability to tell the difference between some of the more hairy members of the population (of which there are many) and the moose that live in the Country, but claim to just be visiting from zoos, where moose naturally come from. Adding to the trouble is that the vast majority of the population are lumberjacks (and they're okay: They sleep all night and work all day), and if they show up to be counted, some big guy with a huge blue Ox is just going to show up and take their jobs. In some cases, Canadians actually send the moose in their place to the various polls. This gives the voting public the ability to deny that they ever voted for whatever crook is currently in power (no one ever voted for Brian Mulroney for example, despite him getting elected twice; the second time with one of the largest majorities ever).

“After making a joke once about Canada, I received an angry letter from the entire population of that country, making for a total of 22 letters. Never again will I make fun of the Canadians.”

~ John Kerry on Canada

French Canadians

A French Canadian (left) talking to a Canadian Aboriginie (right).

Some French speaking Canadians do not consider themselves to be Canadian. They call themselves Québécois, or les separatists, while the rest of Canada refers to them as dumbasses. Strangely, their hockey team is known as the Canadiens or simply, the Habs (Habs being short for Habitant, a brand of soup). They aren't French either, since they use money with the Queen of England on it. They have also never surrendered to the Germans, the true mark of a Frenchman/woman.

When a "French" Canadian(s) approaches a true Canadian(s), many things can happen:

  1. The Anglo Canadian(s) will beat the Franco Canadian(s) with whatever comes to hand, especially if they outnumber the French Canadian;
  2. The Québécois will beat the Anglo with whatever comes to hand, especially if the Anglo outnumber the Québécois;
  3. A male Anglo will fall madly in lust with a female Franco, since Québécois women are the hottest in all of North America and well-known to be more sexually adventurous (especially if she's a catholic girl). She will happily charge him 20 bucks ($26.82 US) for it, which goes a long way towards keeping her in poutine money.

Most of the conflict between French and English Canada is a result of the unfortunate fact that a common French drinking toast translates roughly as "Up yours, me."

Aboriginal Canadians

Aboriginal Canadians, also known as First Nations or simply "Indians", inhabited Canada long before any other Canadians showed up, Anglo or Franco. A few hundred years and some time in residential schools run by sexually deviant priests later, they are now mostly found in Winnipeg and Saskatoon, usually in bars. They are the holders of a proud unbroken tradition and connection to the land, as evidenced by their love for country music and traditional activities like going off-roading in government trucks piled with 12 people guzzling Everclear on nice -40 January nights. Some cling to their aboriginal roots to this day, resulting in the not uncommon sight of trees growing over dead Indians.

Religion

Canadian religion is about as diverse as it is in the U.S.A., as virtually every faith can be found within Canada somewhere. A past census showed agnostics, four hundred different kinds of Christians (all, for some reason, with the same Jesus), Jews, Islamites (both stalagmite and stalactite sects), Hindus (and Hin-don'ts), and "none of the above".

Amazingly, 13,000 Canadians have "Jedi" as their registered religion [3]. These Jedi have faced persecution since May 25 1977 for carrying light sabers with them around school, which they claim are only for defence. An unfortunate incident with Darth McKenzie who used the sabre for other means put an end to all debate on that issue and Jedi are now asked to practice their craft in hiding, lest they be stuffed into their own lockers or nearby garbage cans.

The rest of the religions are all getting along perfectly fine, except at hockey games where they beat the hell out of each other, religion or no religion.

Canadians Of Whom You May Have Heard

Famous Canadians

Rex Murphy

Rex Murphy is a sex god in Canada.

Rex Murphy has the smoothest legs in Canada. He constantly wins awards for having such smooth legs, including the famed Pulitzer for Smooth Legged Journalism. Also he's been "Mister Nude Canada" twice and the Time Magazine "Canadian Edition" Journalist of the Year (CBC) every year that he's been entered (almost sixty times and counting).

On weeknights Rex Murphy appears on CBC news and has the country examine how smooth his legs are. Saturday and Sunday Rex hosts "CBC News Nude Weekend Edition", stunning the nation with his smoothness, and shocking and arousing women from coast to coast.


"Each day smoother than the one before"

Tattoo on Rex Murphy's lower back , a mere foot away from his creamy alabaster thighs and one and a half feet from his sexy, sexy calves.

Famous Not-Canadians

Stephen Colbert

TheColbertReport.jpg

Truthaphobia sufferer Stephen Colbert says that he was raised in Canada.

By Canadians.

It was there that he says he was contaminated with Truthaphobia by fellow Canadian Ronald Reagan.

The truth is somewhat less interesting. He actually went to Canada on a dare, once; mostly for the lower drinking age, and partly for the stronger beer.



"Ha, ha! Dangly parts!"

Phil Ken Sebben

Other Famous Not-Canadians

Pretty much everyone else who's both famous, and not-Canadian, is a famous not-Canadian.

Pretty simple really. It's surprising that you hadn't figured this out on your own.

American expatriates, we got good weed and free health care. Welcome to Canada, eh?

Famous Canadians Who Aren't Interesting Enough For A Paragraph Of Their Very Own

Terrance and Phillip, "les hommes du nord", searching for treasure.

It should be noted that Oregon and Washington were once part of Canada until They were stolen by James Pox Nolk and became part of the U.S. Whether or not those who are from those states qualify as Canadian is debatable.


See Also: Canadian Actors

Footnotes

  1. ^  Stop giggling. It's beaver the dam-building rodent, not beaver the, um, you know...bit that girls have down there.
  2. ^  Tuque comes from a Native word meaning, "a sock for your head". Tuque comes from a Native word meaning, "a sock for your head". In Canada there are over four hundred words for, "a sock for your head". This leaves the limited "hoser" vocabulary with only two words for snow (one for each official language).
  3. ^  Sadly, this is actually true. Look up the results of the 2001 Census, available at better Star Trek conventions everywhere.

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